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“It’s just in high school I was so jealous that you got to be with him. He’s so hot. That’s why, when I saw you in the library earlier, I decided to corner you. I just had to get the scoop.”
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone from Kingsley about this.”
“Peter, I kept my mouth shut all year about the two of you. Now that it’s over, why would I say anything?”
“Maybe you’d feel safer saying something now that high schoolisover? Because you’d think maybe no one could get hurt? But the thing is he’s still with Leslie, andshe’dget hurt. Now that we’re broken up, she doesn’t even need to know. He does love her, and I don’t want her to feel…” I waved my hands around to indicate the mess of emotions she’d endure if she knew. “You know? I just want her to be happy.”
“Got it. But don’t you think he’ll do the same thing again? Isn’t it just a matter of time?”
“I don’t know.” I looked away from him, unable to meet his eyes as I admitted, “Call me an idiot, but I kind of think I was special to him. I’d like to think he wouldn’t just start seeing someone else. I think he does love Leslie, and maybe without me in the picture he can find a way to be happy with her.” I took a deep breath and met Millar’s eyes. “Iwanthim to be happy with her.”
“That’s generous of you.”
“I loved him. I want the best for him.”
“Andyou’regoing to be happy? With this new guy?”
I never liked the weird juxtaposition of thinking of Adam and Daniel in the same few breaths, but the reminder of the fact that Daniel existed at all lifted my heart. “Yeah. I am.” If I could convince him to give me another chance at being more than his friend, I knew we could be good together.
“All right, good for you. Who is this guy?”
“You don’t know him. His name’s Daniel McPeak.”
“Oh, the heir to the McPeak construction company?” He went on before I even confirmed, “Gay, wealthy, no girlfriend.” He lifted his cup and toasted me. “Another jackpot. Congrats.”
“Thanks?”
I was grateful when he changed the subject to classes and college life in general. He’d gotten a job working on the university paper—“Don’t worry! Not the gossip column!”—and was taking journalism classes because he’d tested out of most of his core requirements.
“What about you?”
“Photography is the only thing I could take extra right now,” I said. “Otherwise, it’s all required stuff.”
“I’m glad to hear you haven’t let that go. Your shots were always amazing. If you want a position on our team, just let me know, but, honestly, journalistic photography isn’t for you. You’re an artist. You’ve got a gift.”
I smiled and thanked him.
“Where’s your camera?” he asked.
“In my backpack.”
“You used to have it out all the time. You took pictures of everything. Anything. Almost like a nervous tic.”
It was as I said the words that I realized why I was holding back from getting the Leica out now. “I want photography to be a tool I use when I want to use it, not a compulsive way to process my life. I used it as a coping mechanism.”
“Ah. You don’t want to be behind the lens all the time.”
“Right.”
I’d used photography in the past to not only process my emotions, but to contain them, make them smaller and easier. Too often, I’d put my hardest feelings into the pictures, letting the camera separate me from the worst of it and keep me safe. As much as I loved photography, I wanted to confront my feelings head on. I didn’t want to be the guy who used his art to hide from pain. Expose it, sure, but hiding from it had already made me complicit in too many bad things.
Millar’s head tilted in thought, and he studied my face. “That’s something I need to figure out how to do, too. Just live life. Not always be on the lookout for a story. My boyfriend says I need to learn to let down my guard, but I’m not sure how to do that yet. I spent a lot of years with my guard up, you know? Ihadto keep my eye on everyone around me, so I’d see immediately if they’d found me out. I guess that’s made me distrustful, but it’s also given me powerful insight into other people’s behaviors and motivations. It gives me an edge in life.”
“Then why does your boyfriend think you should change?”
“Because I’m lonely. EvenwithBilly, I’m lonely. I can’t seem to let him in, you know?”
“Yeah.” I did get it. The camera was my true love, but it was also a crutch. I needed to get out from behind it sometimes to truly live. “Your boyfriend sounds like a smart guy.”
