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“Minty…” he breathed, his brows dropping low.
“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. You’ve got the diagnosis too. You know where this ends up.” Fuck, I’d gone down the worst possible path now. The one that acknowledged all the horrible shit he and I both wanted to forget tonight. But it was too late. It was out there.
“I’ve…” He cleared his throat, his head dropping slightly. “I’ve thought about it. Of course, I have. But—”
“We could make a pact, then. When it’s time for either of us, we’ll have a final scene together, and then we’ll let the other go do what they need to do.”
“Do what, exactly?”
“End our lives and be out of everyone else’s hair.”
He stared at me, and I could see the beginning of silver mixed into the blond near his ears. He was young to be graying, but it seemed saddest that he’d never live long enough to see it through.
“For God’s sake,” he gritted out. “You can’t say shit like that and smile through it. You can’t…”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s…I…I’m not ready to give up on my life yet.”
“Of course not,” I huffed. “But when the time comes? I’m out of here. It’s not like I’ll be missing anything. I can’t haveforever. You know that, and I know that.”
“Christ…”
I tore at the napkin on the table between us. “Sorry. I’m ruining it.” I stood, straightening the silver skirt I’d been so eager to put onfor the kind of date I’d longed for my entire life. “I don’t need a date. I’ve never really had one before, and this one hasn’t ended on the best note, but that’s my fault, I know.”
I wasn’t eager to go back to my dorm room to be confronted by the flowers Luke had brought me, but it was better than being confronted by his wrecked eyes.
“We should go. I should…” I stopped before I said “study,” because there was no way in hell I was going to do that.
If this evening was going to end like this, then maybe the stuff we did in the basement wasn’t enough for me after all. Maybe I simply didn’t deserve the attention of someone like Luke, someone good and loving who adored his sister and would never beat me up and fuck me without prior consent. But I knew someone who would.
“Sit down,” Luke said, usingthatvoice. It made my body obey like I was an automaton. Once I was back on the bench, he turned to me. “Okay, I’ll agree to your pact. You’ll come to me when you’re going to do it, and I’ll give you what you need. If that’s a scene, okay. If that’s for me to hold you, make love to you, then that’s what I’ll do too. If it’s just to pretend you’re not about to off yourself, all right. All I ask is that however you do it, no one else gets hurt.”
I shuddered. I hadn’t expected that. “And you? What will I give you if you come to me first?”
He shook his head. “I won’t. I have Betsy, and I’ve gotta do everything I can to stick around for her. I owe my mom that. She needs me.”
“No one needs me, so…” I shrugged. “It won’t hurt many people when I’m gone. They’ll keep going just fine.”
Luke shook his head, took hold of my hand, and kissed the back again. “I don’t believe that, but I also don’t think it’s right to pretend that a day won’t come when I might share your thoughts.It’s true that eventually I’ll be better off leaving my family in a hurry instead of draining their bank accounts and hearts with a prolonged sickness.”
“See? I knew you were smart and would come around,” I murmured, though my heart ached to see him give up like that. I wanted him to be more optimistic for both our sakes, but I could see he knew the truth. We were doomed. It was only a matter of time and how we chose to go out.
“Sorry. I made this date kind of suck,” I said. “I think I was channeling my friend Daniel for a minute.”
“Yeah? What’s he like?”
“A party-pooper.”
He laughed. “Oh, yeah?”
“Always. But he’s still one of the best guys in the world.” I stood up. “Come on. Was this it? You were just going to take me out to ice cream and be done with it?”
“No, I had more planned.”
“Onward then.”
He glanced around before sliding his arm around me, tugging me close, and hugging me tight. I sank into his arms. “You’re a terrifying surprise,” Luke whispered. “I want to use a whip to get to the heart of you.”
