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“No, no, she doesn’t live with me. She lives at Riverwoods, a facility for disabled adults over on the Cumberland Plateau. She has Down Syndrome, and my folks are older now, and they can’t take care of her any longer.”
“Oh.” Immediately, some puzzle pieces clicked into place. I could picture him with a sister who needed care. I imagined he’d be good at it. “What’s her name?”
“Betsy.”
“Is she older than you or younger?”
“Younger, by six and a half years. She’s great,” he said, a smile spreading involuntarily over his lips. For an instant, I was jealous ofBetsy that he was so uncomplicatedly happy at just the thought of her.
But that jealousy faded as his smile drained away. “I helped take care of her until I left for college. I was only there a year when my dad had a stroke that left him… changed. I went back home and took care of Betsy for a long time while Mom cared for Dad, but…” He shook his head.
“It sounds like a hard situation. My friend Daniel has to take care of his younger brother and sister because his mom’s an alcoholic, and it’s rough for him too. I don’t know a lot about Down Syndrome, but it seems like maybe Betsy is, in some ways, a kind of permanent little sister?”
“She’s her own person,” Luke said a little defensively. “But, yeah, she’ll need someone to look after her to some degree for the rest of her life. In the end, as Dad’s health and mind deteriorated and took more and more of my mom’s focus, my folks decided the place for her was in Riverwoods.”
“How did you feel about it?” I sensed tension in him.
“I felt selfish.”
“Why?”
“Because part of me was glad to be able to get back to my own life, go back to being a Dom and working a real job that paid money. Being with Betsy is always fun and rewarding, but I missed having my own life.”
I scoffed. “It’s not selfish to need to be your own person. I’d go insane if I couldn’t be myself and live the way I need to live.”
Another flicker passed over Luke’s face, and I knew what he was thinking. The way I was living lately was insane enough.
Well, he had no idea how much I’d lose it if I also had to go live with my mom in the trailer, in that room where my father had asked me…
I shook the thought away.
“So, do you have a picture?” I asked, swinging my feet under the bench.
He dug his wallet out of his back pocket and unfolded a photo he kept there. He turned it toward me, showing me his sister. She was laughing with a wide mouth and broad-set eyes that were scrunched up too much to see the color, and dark, almost black hair that was cut into a messy, loose bob. “That’s Betsy.”
“She’s pretty.”
“Yeah.” He put the photo away and went quiet again. “I go to see her once a month. Riverwoods isn’t some awful institution. It’s a nice place that takes her out on field trips and gives her an appropriate amount of freedom. She’s even got a part-time job and has started dating someone. She says she’s in love.”
“That sounds good for her. See? If she’d stayed home, she wouldn’t be in love now. And being in love is great.” I took hold of his hand again. I enjoyed the way his fingers fit between mine.
Luke smiled wryly. “I hear you’re a fan of it.”
I froze, caught out and wondering what else Barry had told him about me. Obviously not enough since Luke had discovered my trauma on the fly in the middle of a scene. But if Barry had told him about my weakness for love, Luke might have the wrong idea of me.
“In the past, I’ve always loved the idea of love,” I got out, trying to phrase things carefully. “But I’m not delusional. I’ve always known I was just pretending. I knew none of them loved me back.”
Luke was quiet a moment, examining me. “You’re worth being loved back.”
“Am I?” I released his hand. “I don’t know if that’s true. But I’d like to be.” I rubbed my arms, a chill gripping me. “I don’t want to die alone.”
Another silence, and then Luke asked, “Your mother wouldn’t be there for you?”
“I won’t give her the chance.”
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“At the first sign of my T-cells tanking, or at my first real illness.” I slashed my hand across my throat. “Fin. Over. Dead. I won’t give anyone a chance to sit with me while I go. It’ll be fast, and it’ll be permanent.”
