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I wanted so desperately to call him Daddy right then, but I didn’t know if I was allowed to anymore. “I thought he might kill me.”
“Shh. It’s okay. I’m with you.” He brushed his fingers through my hair, soothing me, and I wanted to feel soothed, but it was too chaotic in my head.
“Why? Why are you with me? I don’t understand.” My voice shook. “Don’t you get it? I didn’t tell him no. I went to him on my knees with my mouth open. I got hard. You can forgive me for that?”
Luke carefully took hold of my bruised chin, angling my face so that I was looking him in the eye. “There’s nothing to forgive.”
“I should have fought! I know Aikido. I should have—”
“Stop. There are no ‘shoulds’ when you’re surviving an attack. Remember what I’ve said about that? About your father?”
“But this wasn’t like that.” Only itwas…My gorge rose, but I swallowed it down.
“It was violence. It was an attack. You did what you did because that’s how you’ve learned to cope with sexual trauma.”
“But what if I wanted it?” I whispered. “What if some part of me wanted it?”
“Baby, shh, maybe some part of you did, the part of Mitchell who’s learned to loathe himself. But that’s notyou. You’re not defined by that. The real you, the Mitchell deep inside is powerful and strong, and he loves himself enough to do incredibly hardthings. He knows how to save himself. And he does. Every time.”
I leaned my head against his chest and breathed in and out. I wanted to believe him, and for a few minutes, I let myself.
Those few minutes stretched into hours.
Then days.
Chapter Eighteen
‡
Luke
Aweek afterthe attack, Minty was still scared of Kyle, worried that if he left his room to shower or take a piss that Kyle would be there waiting for him. I wanted him to press charges or report Kyle to the university, but he wouldn’t even consider it.
“I encouraged him to be that way with me,” he’d said, stroking fingers through my hair as I rested my head on his naked chest, listening to his heartbeat to reassure myself that it was strong. “I can’t accuse him of somethingnow. He couldn’t read my mind. He didn’t know things had changed.”
I tried to convince him that Kyle absolutely knew things had changed, that Minty had told him straight to his face that he couldn’t have sex with him anymore, that I was his Dom, and I’d forbidden it. But he wouldn’t listen. Some twisted part of him was still softhearted toward Kyle, and I couldn’t get him to budge on his opinion of the rapist piece of shit.
Eventually, I let it go, but I shared his worry that Kyle might approach him again somewhere on campus. So, I started picking him up after his last lecture of the day. I’d either bring him with me to Knox Supplies & News to hang out and study while I worked, or I’d take him back to my place to watch movies on the sofa while stuffing our faces with popcorn and pizza, or whatever trash I had around.
Until today.
When I picked him up after his last class—Biology Senior Seminar, his favorite—he said, “Let’s go to the grocery store.”
“Why?”
“I’m tired of eating crap.”
I didn’t argue with him, though I did confess that I was a lousy cook. He’d reached to cover my hand on the gear shift, squeezing it gently before he said, “Don’t worry. I’m a great cook.”
As I watched him chop onions, season pork, and prepare side dishes, he seemed so pleased and fond, like he was happy to be doing something for me, as if he took pride in it. It was a good thing my mother had forced various cooking implements on me, as well as a full set of pots and pans, when I’d moved into my own place. Minty was using what seemed like all of them.
“All right,” Minty said, putting the various dishes in the oven and setting the timer. “We have forty minutes. Do we have time for a fast visit to the basement?”
I pulled him close, nuzzling his neck and untying the apron from around his waist. “Forty minutes isn’t enough time to play,” I said. “Let’s start the movie.”
“No,” he said, pushing away from me. “You haven’t fucked me since”—he waved his hand around—“it happened.” His lips went tight. “Do you not want me anymore? Do I gross you out now? Or—”
I pulled back. “Gross me out? That’s what you think?”
