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“There’s more I need to say. I’ve never wanted to—” he shuddered, a vulnerability passing over him like a storm cloud over the sun. “I’ve never wanted to fall in love. With Betsy and my parents, I always knew I’d have a lot of responsibility for the rest of my life. Adding a romantic partner into the mix seemed messy. What if they didn’t like Betsy? What if—”
I whispered, “I’d like her.”
He smiled and kissed my forehead. “Rumor has it, you like most everyone.”
I shrugged. “Not that it’s served me well, but yeah.”
“Okay, so you’d like Betsy,” Luke said, slowly. “But say Betsy didn’t likeyou—”
“You think Betsy wouldn’t like me?” Offense straightened my back and dulled the shot of pain in my side from the rapid movement. “Why?”
“Betsy would love you,” Luke said, his lips twisting in a fond, amused smile. “Let me finish.”
I let out a sharp sigh, but covered my mouth with my hand to keep myself from interrupting again.
“All I’m saying is that Betsy is non-negotiable, and if she didn’tlike the person I loved, then I’d have to reconsider having them in my life. One day, she may need to come live with me and whoever I’m with. And, so in the past, that’d never been something I wanted to deal with.”
I released my mouth as he paused to take in a breath and said, “I don’t think that’s true. You can’t blame Betsy for you thinking life is easier without romantic love.”
Luke blinked at me a moment. “No, no, you’re right. I can’t. Not entirely. I used to see romantic attachments as a problem. Being a professional Dom meant I couldn’t get involved in situations where jealousy might come into play, or expectations of monogamy could be formed, or—”
“But now things have changed?” I hoped it was because of me, but I knew it was more likely because of his diagnosis. And when Luke spoke, I was disappointed to find I was right.
“Now, with the risks of being HIV positive, I don’t know how long I have before…” He cleared his throat. “I can’t in good conscious Dom the way I did in the past, moreover I don’t want to. I want to Dom selfishly, and not necessarily for money. I want to do it because it makes me happy, because the sub in question arouses me, fits my life, and…” He paused, clearly struggling to admit whatever needed to say next. “And I only want to Dom someone I like, maybe more than like.”
He touched my hair gently. “Someone I want to be with outside of my basement. I guess it comes down to one, very selfish thing: I don’t want to be alone. I want to be loved by someone before I die.”
Leaning in, Luke nuzzled my neck, breathing in my scent, and I let him. “Minty, I want to experience whatever it is that we could be together—friendship, love, Dom/sub scenes, all of it. Because you’re right, fair or not, we don’t have a lot of time, and I’m not going to waste whatever amount I do have on self-imposed rules about who I’m allowed to be with and when or how. But Irecognize that goes against everything we agreed to at the start. It’s important that you’re honest with me now. Do you want what I want?”
I touched his lips with mine, gently since my lip was so busted and sore. “I do. I want all that too.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
“To do that, though, to have that, we have to trust each other.”
My stomach churned. Anxious sweat broke over me. “In that case, I need to tell you something.”
He tensed. “I’m ready to hear it.”
“About Kyle. I didn’t invite him in. I didn’twanthim.”
“I believe you.”
“But…” I started shaking, the memory of what happened still scary and bright in my mind, and the fear that Luke would stand up and leave me here after hearing the whole truth made me feel nauseous. He held me tighter, trying to steady me. “When Kyle shoved his way into my room, I reacted all wrong.”
Luke pushed my hair off my forehead, his eyes going soft and worried. “Whatever you did to still be alive is right.”
“Wait.” I sucked in a shuddery breath. “I was coming back to my room, opening my door, just like last time.” I shivered again, fear slipping through my veins. “Kyle pushed me from behind. I fell inside. I was on the floor. He came in. Locked the door. Got his dick out and I—” Shaking my head, I fought shallow breaths I couldn’t quite control, making me shake and hyperventilate. “It was just instinct, I swear.”
“I know,” he murmured, though he didn’t know. Not yet.
“I got hard. And I went to him on my knees. I opened my mouth. But…” I shook my head, my mind going to that moment, those seconds when everything had changed, like I was living it again. My voice went low and quiet, and my words came out in present tense. “I don’t want it. I’ve changed my mind. But he forces me. And I let him. I let him throat-fuck me.” I winced. “And he hits me so hard across the face… And then he’s on me, pushing in me, and I just…bite him. I bite him so hard.”
“Baby, that’s good. That was so good.”
I was back with Luke now, shaking and scared as hell. The memory had me almost gagging in terror again. “I’m scared, Luke.”
