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I sneered at myself. Could I sound more pathetic and pitiful?
Eventually, the intensity of my pain died down and a cold, numbness settled in behind it. Ready to face Mitchell finally, I left the bathroom and walked on rubbery legs down to the kitchen.
As I entered, Mitchell switched off the oven and the timer. He dropped to his knees, still naked, head down and tears running off the end of his nose, dripping to the linoleum floor.
“Sir, I’m sorry.” He glanced up at my face, and then dropped his eyes again, his chin against his chest. “I only said it to hurt you. I didn’t mean it.”
A sob wrangled its way out of his throat. “I was angry. I didn’t mean it.”
“Don’t lie to me.” I was shocked at the iron in my quiet voice.
Sadness flowed in me, like the cold, still waters at the bottom of the river. I didn’t have the emotional intelligence for this. I’d always known I was in over my head with him, but this…this breakdown on my part proved it. I had no business playing with him. I had no business loving him. He didn’t even want that from me.
I remembered what Betsy said to me about rules. No matter what Mitchell had said when we talked, I was violating the boundaries he’d made clear from the start. He was allowed to loveme, whatever that meant to him, but I wasn’t supposed to lovehim. He didn’t want it. Not the way I wanted to give it now. He wanted…
Shut up.I stopped my escalating thoughts.
That wasn’t true. Hedidwant my love. He’d wanted it from the beginning. I knew that now. He’d eagerly agreed to dating me. He told me he wanted the things I wanted too. The problem was I kept insisting on having my way. Wanting him to let me love him thewayI wanted it, not the way he needed it.
Fuck. What am I doing? I’m all turned around.
“Sir,” he whispered, keeping his head down. “I’m sorry I lied. I just wanted to hurt you, Sir, and I knew if I said I’d go to Kyle, it would hurt you because—” He dared a glance up again, and this time whatever he saw on my face, he didn’t look away. “Because I know you love me. I know you haven’t told me that you do, but I just know it. And I abused that love. I’m sorry.”
I blinked at him, taking an involuntary step back.
I love him.
I did and he knew, and I knew, and it was horrible. Love was fucking things up between us more than it was helping him or me. This new feeling kept me from being what I wasgoodat being. It was making me a terrible Dom.
“Sir?”
I swallowed. “Yes?”
“I love you too. I can’t promise that I’ll never say something like that again, Sir. When I panic, I get vicious. Like with my dad and Kyle. Earlier, what you were doing to me, Sir? Loving me like that? It did something to me, something to my insides, and it was torture. Just like you said it would be. I hated it.”
“You have a safe word,” I reminded him. “You remembered you could use it, right?”
“Yes.” Mitchell walked on his knees to me, reaching out with his hands to grip the outer seams of my jeans. “I remembered. But I didn’t want to use it. I hated how I felt, but…” He closed his eyes and swallowed, like he didn’t want to admit to the truth and felt sickened by it. “But I knew I needed it. Sir, Ineedto be okay with being loved like that. I want to find a way tolike itbefore I die. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to die before I can feel in my heart—” He touched his chest, looking up at me so earnestly that I felt my throat tighten again. “Until I canfeelsafe being loved and enjoy it.”
I took hold of his chin, keeping his gaze. “I think you may haveto learn to love yourself first.”
He closed his eyes, remaining silent.
“Think you can do that?”
He shook his head, reconsidered, and then shrugged. “I don’t know, Sir. Can you teach me?”
I let out a self-deprecating laugh. “I don’t know. I’m starting to wonder if I really love myself either. I think we both have a lot to learn.”
“And not a lot of time to learn it in.” He buried his head against my legs, his shoulders shaking. “I love you so much, Sir. I know you don’t believe me—no one ever does—but I do. So, please don’t give up on me.”
I bent over, rubbing my hands up and down his naked back. “Don’t give up on me either.”
I didn’t think it was right to demand that, not when we were still technically in a scene, and maybe not ever. But I wanted him with me, safe by my side, for me to love and hurt and protect. Even if I was a mess and swinging from emotion to emotion, thought to thought, fear to fear.
“Never. I promise.” Mitchell rubbed his face against my jeans, his tears starting to soak through, and I suspected he was rubbing snot on me too. I didn’t mind. I hauled him up to standing and hugged him close, still careful of his lingering bruise. “The scene’s over.”
“Okay.” He choked on another sob. “I’m sorry. I fucked it up.”
