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„But what about—”
He interrupts, „Can I trust you? Can I trust you not to tell anyone about this, not even your closest friends?”
I look at him, feeling slightly indignant. „Of course! Why would I tell anybody about this?”
He lowers his gaze and shifts on his seat before his eyes find mine again.
„I’m going to tell you something that may change how you look at me,” he says eventually. „It’s not something I like to talk about, and it’s not something I planned on ever sharing with you. But right now, I feel like I should.”
There’s sorrow in his eyes when he looks at me now, and I’m beginning to worry.
„Did you…kill someone?” I ask—and his jaw drops.
„What? God, no!” he exclaims. „Why the hell would you think that?”
He starts laughing, violently shaking his head, as he almost falls off of the high chair. „Jesus, Claire, you’re dark.”
I can’t help but join in his laughter as I reach for another sip of coffee. He’s a lot more relaxed when he speaks up again.
„I didn’t kill anyone, but I did have…well, something happened in my past that I’m not proud of,” he goes on. „A few years ago, when I was still teaching at a different university, there was…there was a girl.”
My heart tightens at the thought of him with someone else, even though I know how silly that is. He’s so much older than me, of course a man like him has had girlfriends before.
„Okay?” I implore. „What happened?”
„She was a student, too,” he says. „She wasn’t in any of my classes, but she was in the same department. When we first met, I had no idea who she was. But she knew who I was, and never cared to tell me.”
He pauses and lets out an exasperated sigh.
„I liked her, a lot. We hit it off from the start, and I won’t deny, she was very flirty and I was very responsive to it,” he goes on. „But then I found out that she was a student in my department, where I had just gotten a very competitive postdoc teaching position. When I told her that nothing could ever happen between us, she didn’t accept it. She kept flirting with me, and aggressively so—and as hard as it was, I stayed strong, because I knew of the risks, for both of us. She didn’t seem to care. And that’s when things turned sour.”
He adds another pause, regarding me with an observant look, as if he was afraid I would burst into flames at any moment.
But I just tilt my head to the side and suggest a nod. „Go on.”
„She spread rumors about us, saying that I had slept with her, even though we never had sex. We kissed when we first met, but that was it. I never pursued her, after finding out who she was. But she wouldn’t let it go, and eventually, I was close to losing my job because the rumors made it all the way to the dean.”
„Oh shit…” I blurt out, and he nods.
„Yes, it was horrible. I felt betrayed, to say the least,” he says. „She was…she was the first person who managed to evoke strong feelings within just a few hours of meeting. She was special, or so I thought. And then, she did this to me.”
„How did it end? Did you lose your job?” I want to know.
„No, I was very lucky. One of Anya’s friends—who was actually a student in one of my classes—came forward, and revealed the truth. Anya had been bragging to her about destroying my career for rejecting her, and the friend could no longer bear the guilt of knowing. I guess she enjoyed my class and didn’t want me to lose my job.”
He chuckles, but there’s a sadness in his expression that breaks my heart. It’s no wonder that he has been trying to prevent anything from happening between us for so long, after that experience.
But then I think about what he just told me, and I can’t help but feel angry.
„I’m sorry that this happened to you,” I say. „But…you don’t really think that I would act like that, do you? Do you not trust me?”
„I trust you,” he insists. „I want to trust you.”
„You can,” I maintain. „I’m not like that Anya girl. I actually care about my academic career, you know? She didn’t seem to care at all. I’m sure she got expelled for what she did?”
„She didn’t,” he says. „She was very good at playing victim through all of this, and they let her stay and continue her studies.”
„Still, I worked too hard to risk my scholarship like that,” I say. „Besides, I have no interest in hurting you, even if…”
