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I’ve been bouncing back and forth between Kat’s and Ryan’s for the last two weeks. Really, it’s been the three of us going back and forth between the two of their places. I found an apartment today, though, so it will be back to us all staying on our own soon enough. Tonight, we’re at Kat’s, and as soon as Ryan and I walk in, we see that she’s decided to torment us with a charcuterie board of all things pickle. Ryan and I exchange a look that sayswe’re ordering takeout.
“I have something to tell you both.” I take a deep breath before continuing.
I see two sets of eyes boring into my soul.
“I found an apartment this afternoon.”
“Oh, my God!” Ryan screams.
“Oh, baby, I’m so happy for you!” Kat squeals. “You know we’d love to have you with us forever, but this is so important in your healing process.”
“I may need you guys to stay with me for a night or two when I get settled, but I’m really excited to do this on my own.” I smile halfheartedly.
“Babe, do you think you’re ready to talk to him?” Ryan asks as she pulls my hand into hers.
I just shake my head. I have no idea what to say to Connor right now. How am I supposed to explain to him that I disappeared from the face of the earth because I tried to kill myself?
When I woke in the hospital, the phone he had sent me was missing, and I was so far gone in my own fear and depression that they had to lock me up for a week before I was deemed safe to rejoin society. I know he’s been texting the girls, but I’ve asked that they not relay any of the specifics to him. The thought of him knowing…
I feel so ashamed. It’s something that Amy is working on with me, understanding that feeling shame is normal, but also understanding that the situation was not my fault.
I haven’t heard from Andy since the day he left me unconscious on the lush cream carpet of my bedroom. The police came to the hospital, saying that they had arrested him for assault and he was currently in jail. I didn’t ask any questions. I was just so damn thankful he wasn’t going to be able to get to me again.
It’s the first time I’ve come back to my house since that day. Kat and Ryan came with me so I could grab my things, but my demons from that night keep whispering in my ear. Knowing I’m not strong or stable enough to go through these doors on my own, I asked Amy to join the three of us. Kat and Ryan will doanything for me, but Amy can talk me off a cliff I didn’t even know I was on before I jumped. I need my full support system.
I take the lead to the front door before stopping and staring up at it, the red door mocking me. I was in a puddle of my own blood as red as the paint that covers this door the last time I was here. I nearly lost my life behind these walls. I take a deep, steadying breath and turn the knob, pushing open the wounds that have just barely begun to heal.
I take a step through the threshold, and my breath comes in shaky gasps as I grip my two best friends’ hands. I manage to make it up to the second floor, where the worst of the attacks happened.
I step into my room and see my once-beautiful cream carpet speckled in dark red dried blood. My stomach heaves when I see it, and I turn back, running into the bathroom and vomiting in the sink. Amy is behind me, holding my hair in a low ponytail to keep it from becoming an innocent bystander of the ejection my stomach is enforcing.
When I’m finally well enough to stand, I realize where I am and look at the tub. The pearl-white porcelain basin is now stained with a pink tint from my suicide attempt. I stare at the empty tub, thinking back on the last three weeks.
My two best friends never left my side, not once. I always had at least one of them with me. They’d only leave long enough to shower and then tag the other out. When my mom found out, she yelled at me and told me I was selfish for what I did. We haven’t spoken since her outburst at me. After so many sessions with Amy, I know that my actions weren’t selfish. They were actions of desperation and a need to escape a situation I was afraid to ask for help to get out of.
I wish I could say the only person to blame here is Andy, but I know I could have crawled out of the house to get help insteadof into this room. What matters, though, is that I’ve forgiven myself.
I look back at Amy and take a deep breath. “Why is it easier to see this than it was to see the other room?”
“What happened to you in this room was a decision you made. What happened out there…” She points over her shoulder toward my room, where the carpet is stained with my blood. “That is something that happenedtoyou. You’ve made amazing progress, but it’s going to take time. Give yourself grace.”
Amy and I stand in the bathroom in silence for a few more moments before we step back into the hall. I came here to do what I needed to. I don’t need to bring any of the past with me. The four of us leave, and I feel like a weight has been lifted.
We finally get everything situated around my new home, which isn’t a lot. I splurged on a bed, a couch, and some things for the kitchen. The pizza we ordered sits half-eaten on a makeshift coffee table made from a large plastic tub. Ryan, Kat, and I sit on my new couch, scrolling through online articles and ratings for local divorce lawyers. I may not have been able to file for divorce while I was still in the hospital, but it’s absolutely happening as soon as possible.
I’m ready to take back my life in every way.
Chapter Thirty
CONNOR
“How are you doing?” Liam says through the speaker.
I hear his kids chattering in the background. He’s become a good friend since the attack. I owe him my life, a debt I can never repay.
“I’m alright. I’m keeping busy,” I respond, like he doesn’t know I’m going out of my mind.
I know something happened to Hadley. I heard the police say that Andy was wanted for aggravated assault and attempted murder when they were cuffing him.
