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And I hope like hell that he’s right. I wish with all my goddamn might.
The next few days drag on. Alec has continued to try and reach out, but I’ve been busy with work and not quite able to deal with the reality of everything. I never was very good at dealing withtruths. Look at me and being gay. It took my dick in another man’s ass to get me to confirm it.
“Come on, Jude. It’s been a few days and you’re sulking. Let’s go to the club.”
I peer over at Ollie and shake my head. “That’s a bad idea. I don’t think I’d have any fun.”
“Well, it won’t be to suck a dick, but to dance, to get out. You’ve been wallowing.”
“But I do it so well,” I say, and Ollie chuckles, fiddling with my fingers.
“Come on. Just for an hour. We can have a drink, dance, and just forget about Alec for a little while. Can we do that? I don’t want to force you to do something you don’t wanna do, but…”
It sounds like a terrible idea, but here I go, getting showered and dressed and ambling into the club very reluctantly. Ollie is bouncing on his toes and holding my hand, trying to pull me through the crowd toward the bar.
I promised him an hour. An hour of dancing and a few drinks and then we are going to get a ride home and fall asleep.
That’s all I really want to do. Sleep. Sleep everything away. All the bad things I did in the past, the hurt I feel inside at what Alec did to me. I just want to go into a coma and wake up once it’s all over.
That’s the only way I’ll be able to survive it.
“Here,” Ollie says, handing me a shot, and I stare at it.
“No pink drink?” I ask, and Ollie grins at me.
“No pink drink. Just take this and then let’s dance. Get you out of your funk.”
I don’t think it’s that easy, but I swallow it back and watch as Ollie does the same and then he drags me onto the dance floor. The flashing lights are too bright and the throb of the music surrounding us is almost painful to my cracked and bruisedheart. I halfheartedly move near Ollie, who is waving his arms around slowly, looking once more like a silly Kermit the Frog.
“I think I’m gonna go sit down and wait,” I say after a few minutes. I am trying, but I really don’t feel like doing any of this. I just want to go back home.
Ollie frowns and hugs me. “Okay, we can go sit.”
“No, no you dance for a bit longer. We drove all the way here.”
He looks unsure but then nods, swatting my butt when I make my way back to the bar.
I take a seat, happy to have found an empty one with this crowd, and place my face in my hands.
Miserable, that’s what I am. Just a miserable sack. Perhaps I should turn on my phone and look at the messages Alec sent. Maybe I should listen to those voicemails? But I just can’t handle it right now.
A hand settles on my shoulder, and I turn my gaze to a man I don’t recognize. He has dark brown hair cut into a mullet and piercing brown eyes, his smile slightly lopsided as he takes me in.
“You okay, man?” he asks, his accent slightly Southern.
I shrug, not really wanting to make conversation with this man, but he doesn’t get the hint and leans down closer to me.
“You look really sad.”
I shrug again, feeling my eyes start to water. I am sad. I am very, very fucking depressed, and here I am, several towns over with my friend, trying to be happy and it’s not working.
Nothing is working anymore.
“I’m not interested in fucking you or sucking your dick.”
The man looks slightly taken aback. “Nah, I’m not here for that either. I’m here with some friends. A bachelor party. I’m straight.”
“Yeah, me too,” I say and then sigh once more. “Not really though. I’m gay as fuck.”
