AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He shuddered, then kissed me. It was a different kiss. Slower, deeper. With no angst or regret or rush. Like he was here with me, forever. Like he wanted to be here with me, forever. And like I was enough for him. Not just his sister’s doctor. Buthis.
“It’s way too hot,” he said, taking a step back and grabbing the carton of ice cream. He went into the mudroom and put it inside the chest freezer, the only appliance that could handle the consistent blackouts. It wouldn’t last past theevening, but at least we had a little treat for later. Maybe we could sit outside and share it on the patio.
“So,” he said once he was back from the pantry, having grabbed a few other things and tucked them away without asking any questions. “I think I’ll go tomorrow, if that’s okay with you?”
I cocked my head. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
He smiled, one of those sly ones that reached his eyes but crept up on him. Slow, slow, slow. Then he took a huge step towards me and wrapped his arms around my body, tugging me up into him and nuzzling into my hair, not a single care in the world. “I don’t want you to be alone,linda.”
Swoon. Was this what I was missing? This man sweet-talking in my ear all these years? If things had been different, maybe. “That was the plan all along,” I responded nonchalantly. “Are you coming back at all?” My heart caught in my throat, dreading one of the potential answers. I would be devastated. But we were nothing, just two people who enjoyed each other's company.
“Fuck yes,” he blurted, walking me backward towards the couch. The cat meowed from somewhere around our feet, scurrying out of the way. He turned and plopped us, pressing my body on top of his. He looked into my eyes and smiled, then kissed my nose and sighed.
“What’s that about?”
“Nothing,” he said, closing his eyelids. I let it hang in the air between us, the nostalgia, maybe. The longing.
I wanted to ask him so desperately, to finally have all the answers I needed. Because right now, we were both in limbo, living in this bubble where everything was great. I took a deep breath, my heart breaking in a million pieces at even the thought of him disappearing again.
“You never came to find me,” I whispered, my eyes tightly closed, avoiding his glance at all costs. My heart was beating wildly inside me. The sound of those six words snapped him out of his cloud, whatever he must have been thinking about, with that soft smile and those long lashes resting on his cheeks. Maybe it was longing. It sure was for me. He reared, trying to get his head deeper and deeper into the couch, an impossible feat given the way our bodies lay there, joined together in all the right places.
“Lucía.” He sighed, defeat on his face. My nose tingled with sadness.
“Just tell me.” I wanted to know. No, Ineededto know. It was life-or-death at this point. Because I had already turned around and found a new path after Jazmín. I couldn’t let it happen again, let it rip me apart at the seams completely. “Tell me why.”
“We talked about it.” He winced, his hold on me going limp, allowing me to sit up and crawl to the opposite corner of the couch, putting some distance between us. He looked at me, studying my movements. My heart picked up its pace, already out of control from the adrenaline of this. What was he trying to say? I couldn’t read him—his face was stoic,almost like I was annoying him. Impatient. But we hadn’t talked about it!
“No.” I shook my head, tears now falling down my cheeks at the embarrassment. Embarrassment of not being enough for him or for my career. Having to be here in this town, being coddled like a child and almost harassed by my patients.
“Why are you even saying no?” he whispered, reaching for my hand.
“I don’t know!” I pulled my arm away from him and stood abruptly. His mouth opened and closed a few times, like he wanted to say something, but it wasn’t coming out. Or he was holding back.
“Decilo,”he said.Say it.
“You left me,” I said, words pointed directly at his heart. “And you didn’t come back for me after she died.”
“I did.” His eyes were shiny with tears, his breathing level. He ran one hand through his hair and squeezed at the nape of his neck. “I sat in my car for three hours, building up the courage to come find you, even to see you for a second. I had so many questions, and I wanted answers. And then you strolled out of those hospital doors and started wailing outside that fucking death trap of a building, and I lost it. I couldn’t do it.”
My eyes were wide with surprise. “What?” I gasped, my hand going to my mouth, trying to muffle a sob. “Why?”
“I—I’m…” he replied, the sentence dying on his tongue before coming out. There was pain on his face, all over his features, his body all stiff sitting on that couch in that huge house. “I couldn’t do it. I don’t know how to explain it.”
“No,” I whispered again, not able to stomach those words. “No, no, this can’t be happening.” Just moments ago, we were fooling around in this kitchen, laughing and kissing and being. Together. And now, the moment slipped away, leaving dread in its wake.
“Lucía,” he said, his brow furrowed and his hands closed into fists on his lap. “It was an awful time for me. I just couldn’t deal with it all, with my sister’s death and what it meant for my family, and what it meant for us.” He lifted a hand in the air and gestured around both of us, ping-ponging from my body to his.
“It was too much,” he added, the last word dying on his lips.
My insecurities surfaced immediately at that sentence.
Too much, yet again. But not enough, once more. Not enough doctor to save her, not enough ambition to keep going, not enough woman to make him stay. Just like it had happened before, where my career was too demanding and too much, but at the same time I wasn’t giving enough. I couldn’t win.
“I’ve been moving aimlessly for years, thinking I wasn’t enough.” A sob wracked my throat, and I turned around, wiping furiously at my tears. I heard him moving behind me, one of the springs of the sofa screeching under his weight. There were steps, and then I felt his warm bodybehind me. A hand on my bicep. A squeeze. “I left my career after that. Quit.”
“Lucía.” He sounded resigned, but I didn’t dare turn to look at him. I was a weak woman; I knew that. Desperate to help everyone and save everyone. But no one saved me, ever. Nobody ever consideredme.
“Do you know what it felt like? Do you?” I was yelling, my voice hoarse with the volume.
