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“A panic attack? I don’t have a panic problem.” It came out sounding more defensive than I intended. I really just meant I don’t have anything like that wrong with me.
“Sometimes shit like that just happens. It was probably a one-and-done thing. Maybe you’re just nervous about being away from your family. It’s the first time, right?” Nick asked.
I nodded my head yes. This is the first time out of state for Callie and Me. Max and Nick both lived in different states before moving to Connecticut.
This trip is the first college spring break for most of us, and we are meeting up with a few more classmates in Nashville, where we rented a huge house and are room-sharing to save money. The plan is to explore the music scene because most of us are music nerds in some way or another. Callie is a piano major, Nick majors in musical theater, and I plan to major in songwriting and voice. I want to be a singer-songwriter one day. Writing songs has always been my passion, but I could definitely improve my voice a little.
Max is a few years older than all of us and is on a hockey scholarship. He has hopes of getting drafted to play professionally. He supports my music obsession for the most part, but lately it feels like it has only been half-heartedly. Max finally got his face out of his phone and came over.
“Baby, I'm glad you are okay.” He wrapped his arms around me. “I'm glad Cal knew how to do that weird breathing thing. I was clueless on how to help.”
I rolled my eyes and pushed him off me.
“Let's just go; the others are probably waiting for us,” I seethed. “I’m fine now.”
As much as I was trying to be okay, I wasn’t.
I took my phone out and started Googling panic attacks. I'm known for having no chill or patience; some might even call me neurotic. Some of these answers are just outrageous. I'm getting more and more uncomfortable as I read the search results.
Callie reached back and grabbed my phone. “No Googling.”
I tried to protest, but she turned back toward the front of the car. She turned my favorite song on the radio just loud enough so she couldn’t hear me protest. As much as I wanted to grab it from her, I knew it was the right thing. I'm just praying it won't happen again and I can move past this.
I was so anxious and stuck in my head the first few days that I could not bring myself to leave the house. I was rude to everyone whenever they tried to entice me to go with them. I’m surprised no one tried to off me with how irritable I’ve been. I haven’t been able to get out of my head long enough to enjoy doing anything with my friends, so I keep making them go out without me.
Max and I have been doing exactly what we do at home: staying in, watching movies, and having mediocre sex. He doesn’t ever plan anything outside of our dorms. He never wants to do anything new. Technically, he is on his phone when we’re watching the movies. I always catch him smiling when he's talking to his friends, but when I ask who he is talking to he always tells me not to worry about it. He’s been so busy lately. Max has canceled our last three date nights because of schoolwork and hockey practices. He told me he would be spending his time helping prepare his new teammates for upcoming games. He told me I couldn't attend his practice games anymore since looking at me was so distracting. I thought it was sweet, I guess.
I honestly didn’t care much since I knew we were going on this trip together. I thought we would spend some quality time together and connect on this trip, and he might give the phone a rest, but I guess I was wrong.
Logically, I knew not going out and seeing Nashville was ridiculous. Finally this morning, I was able to muster up enough courage and go out. It's been a long day of music, fun, and food. We also took Callie to the airport before returning to the rental house. She is flying home to spend time with her boyfriend, Jake, for the remainder of the break. Tomorrow is our last day here, but Nick, Max, and I have a few stops planned for the way home.
The Next Day
We were driving to our next stop today, and Nick said it was a surprise as to where. We had the windows down, and I heard some fantastic music that instantly drew me in. I looked around to find the source, and then I spotted it.
“Nick, stop!” I shouted as I reached out and grabbed his arm. “Look at that coffee shop, it’s music-themed. It's so stinking cute.” I gave my best attempt at puppy dog eyes. I know I’m acting pathetic, but they love me and won’t judge. “Can we go?”
“Aubs, everything here is music-themed,” he said with a chuckle.
“Nick, please. There is something about it that’s calling me.”
Nick looked at Max, and he shrugged. I felt discouragingly sad that his response was so nonchalant, but I'm learning I shouldn't be surprised by his lack of enthusiasm.. His interest in anything related to spending time with me has been going downhill for months.
As we walked up to the shop, the music stopped, and one of the men who had been playing welcomed us.
“Welcome to Brew Beats.”
“Thank you!” I said in an excited voice. “This is such a cute shop; I just had to stop. Is it yours?”
“Oh no, no. Just one of the many places we meet up when we're all free.” He gestured to the three other men who were sitting with him. They were eccentric-looking, and I loved it.
We all grabbed a coffee and got settled at one of the tables outside to continue talking to the band. They were all so welcoming and sweet. The one who had greeted us initially was a hippy-dippy type who talked about auras, fate, and the planets aligning. I ignored most of that stuff because I don’t believe in it, but I would never stop someone from talking about what they love.
We started telling them about ourselves. Nick was chatting with one of the guys sitting a little farther away from the door while I chatted with our hippy friend.
“I love playing guitar and—” He cut me off and tried handing me his guitar.
“Here, play me something.” He tilted it toward me.
