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“I have so many I’m not sure where to start,” I murmur, cutting another massive triangle of pancake. “Why are you living in the middle of the woods? Do you have any friends? Who shot you that night in the hospital?” I pause, contemplating the most burning of them all. “Who even are you?”
Kain blinks, then cocks his head. “That is quite a lot.”
Andddd we’re back to square one. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fi—”
“I live here because it’s safer than the city. I have one friend—a best friend, a brother—and his name is Wesley. I was shot by a man named Carl Myers, though that wasn’t always his name. He used to go by Hellfyre when I was growing up, when I still considered him my father.”
I balk, my heart freezing in my chest. He… he killed his father. His own father…
“I know that look, Lillith. If you knew what he did…” He stops with an angry shake of the head. “He was a monster, Lillith. And not the kind you view me as. He had to be dealt with, so I did.”
“As for who I am…” He leans closer, close enough that his earthy scent assaults my senses. “I am a bad man, Lillith. That’s all you need to know.”
My heart stutters at that wild look in his eye, and for a second, I think I’ll let him kiss me. But I can’t stop from thinking of my own father, the slow drip, drip, drip of his blood on the asphalt. Those terrible, cruel silver eyes cutting through the darkness.
Eyes like Kain’s.
I spring up from my seat, deaf to the splintering of porcelain as my plate crashes to the porch. He killed his father. What is he going to do to me? Is he going to kill me, too? When the novelty of this whole fucked-up situation becomes boring, will he dispose of me like he did with Drew? Am I going to end up as fish food, too?
The look on my face must be something feral because Kain’s brow knits with worry.
“I would never hurt you, flower. Not like that.” His voice is tender, so tender, and I’m afraid if he says anything else, my mind will break.
“I think… I think I’m going to be sick,” I whisper, refusing to look at that worried twist of his mouth as I sprint inside. I slam the bathroom door behind me and fold my body around the toilet, just in time for my favorite breakfast to reappear.
I’ve let myself be swallowed whole by the calculating beast on the porch, and now I’m afraid there’s no way out.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
KAIN
The next few days pass without anything of substance happening. Lillith still walks around on eggshells in my presence, but her silence worries me the most. Ever since I told her about my father, she’s barely spoken two words to me. It’s like she’s too far underwater for me to reach her, lost in thoughts she can’t pull herself out of.
She’ll sometimes slip into that rare effervescent expression, the one I saw at the lake. It’s mostly when we’re sitting out on the porch in the morning, when the silence between us feels comfortable, and the scent of freshly brewed coffee mingles with the tang of eucalyptus. It’s those moments I wish would go on forever, those seconds I long to curl up, to live and die in.
They never last long, and as soon as she hears the caw of a bird, the chirp of a squirrel, she always resorts to that sad, hollow shell of hers. Why won’t you speak to me like you did that afternoon at the lake? I want to ask. If that fails, why won’t you yell at me, scream about how sick I am? I’ll take anything over this… this catastrophic silence.
Every time I see a flash of that fire, it snuffs as soon as she gazes at the mask hiding my face. I know why. It’s a reminder of what I am and who I will always be. She can’t unsee the monster in me, and I don’t want her to. Selfishly, I want her to look at it and tell me it’s okay anyway. That she can handle it, that she wants to.
I know she won’t, but I can’t let her go. Every time I think about it, it’s like my mind breaks. I won’t. I can’t. I won’t, I won’t, I won’t.
But I should.
It’s what she deserves, yet it’s the only thing I’m incapable of giving her.
I storm outside, smashing the mask into place as I take the stairs. Not even the sharp tang of eucalyptus can clear my mind as I stalk over to my bike. I slam my fist on the handlebars, rage coursing through my veins, heating my skin despite the chill of the night air. I hate how I lose all control when she’s around. With the state of my body, my mind is the one thing I’ve come to count on through the years. But as soon as I see her, smell her… I just can’t help myself.
She’s all I can think about, all I want to think about. If I could, I’d crawl in her fucking skin and live there.
“I need to get some sleep,” I groan, rubbing a hand over my face. There’s something I need to do before I can, though. Something important. Kicking off, I speed down the road into the mouth of the forest.
It takes a good half an hour before I make it to the city limits and just as long to wind down the side streets to Lillith’s apartment building. I park in the alleyway and climb the steps, a disgusted huff passing my lips as I step inside the foyer. I’m so fucking thankful I don’t have to worry about her living here anymore.
The day I took Lillith, I had Ghost pay the rent for the rest of the year from my bank account. Not for her to live in—as long as I have any say, she’ll never step foot in this hellhole again—but so I can continue to feed the little pigeon she cares about so much. I researched them, desperate to understand what she saw in the ugly little feathered thing. Now that I realize how helpless they are, it makes more sense why she had been so dedicated to feeding it.
I make my way to her door, pulling a silver key from my jacket and shoving it in the lock. It turns with ease, and I step inside, cringing as the ancient boards creak beneath my weight. This place is so run down that I half expect the floor to give way.
“Fucking pigeon,” I grumble, carefully stepping into the bedroom. A blast of chill night air billows in from the open window, causing goose bumps to rise along my forearms. The little bird is nestled on top of one of Lillith’s pillows, a bounty of feathers, sticks, and zip ties strewn around him. The bag of worms is exactly where I left it, though it’s considerably less hefty than yesterday.
