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I spend a few more minutes sitting at my desk, trying to regain the slightest bit of composure. But the longer I stare at the dark wood, the more I become flooded with memories of her—my Baby. Of the time I pinned her against the wall by the door, all the times she stormed in and out of this room after chewing me a new asshole, of the night I finally gave in and let myself have her right here on this desk. My eyes begin to sting, and in the safety of my solitude, I let a lone tear roll down my cheek over the memories of her. That can’t be all there is. I have room for so many more memories to be had with her, my brothers, and the life we could build together.
I let out a deep yell, reach my arm out, and swipe the contents of my desk onto the floor for what I’m sure is the tenth time in the last two weeks.
Luca barges into the room, not bothering to knock, to find me heaving in my desk chair. He sits in the chair on the other side of my desk, resting his elbows on his knees while boring holes into my head with his eyes, waiting for me to speak.
He and I are alike in more ways than I care to admit. Which is how I know he is currently reading every thought rattling around in my head. So, instead of sitting in stifling silence, I lift my head to meet his stare head-on. I don’t know how he does it, but every bit of armor I have falls to pieces around me, and I let out a sob. “I can’t fucking do this, Luca. Every day that passes, every dead end, every moment without her, every time I look into Mac and Finn’s eyes, knowing we’re no closer than we were yesterday feels like it’s killing me.” More tears roll down my cheeks, but I don’t bother hiding them. Because, like me, Luca knows how rare it is for me to be this transparent with my emotions. And, like me, he knows I wouldn’t want anyone to see me like this. Fragile. Weak.
He doesn’t placate me. He doesn’t tell me that “everything will be okay.” Because he and I know better than most that there’s a very real possibility it might not be. I will do everything I can until my dying breath brings her back to me, but sometimes, in this life, even your dying breath isn’t enough. So, Luca says nothing. He just sits there and lets me fall apart.
Once the tears finally stop falling, I wipe my face with the backs of my hands. I’m about to stand up when his voice stops me. “You’re wrong, you know.”
I pinch my brows in confusion. “Wrong about what?”
“Being no closer than we were yesterday.”
“And how exactly is that? Because from where I’m fucking sitting, we still have no idea where the hell she is or if she’s still even alive.” My voice cracks over my last words, physically paining me even to say.
“No. We don’t.” I throw my hands up in the air, resisting the urge to reach over the desk and punch him in the face. How is this helpful? “But what we do know is where she isn’t. Every lead we come up with empty-handed is just another we can check off the list. We’re getting closer, Ronan. We just have to keep looking. Never stop looking.”
I sit up straighter, taking slight comfort in his words. Nodding in agreement, I take a deep breath. “I’ll never stop looking for her. Until I’m dead, I’ll never stop looking for her.”
The corners of his lips turn up slightly. “That’s what I like to hear.” Luca stands up from the chair and looks around the room. “Now, let’s clean this shit up and eat some food before we call Patrick.”
Luca and I move about the room, silently picking up everything I knocked onto the floor and putting it back in its rightful place on my desk. Before we walk out of the office, I grab his arm. His eyes meet mine, and we exchange a silent conversation.
Will they be able to tell?
He dips his chin slightly, letting me know that any trace of my meltdown is long gone. I stand up straight, and we go to the dining room table, where the rest of the guys are already digging into the takeout.
My eyes find Finn’s, who’s giving me an apologetic look. I’m momentarily confused until I look at the food spread out on the table that Enzo ordered. Then, I recognize the takeout containers from the Thai restaurant down the street.
Fuck me.
* * *
After we all ate dinner, actually after Luca and his guys ate while Mac, Finn, and I pushed our damn Thai food around our plates while giving one another somber glances, we gathered in the den, glasses of whiskey in hand for some and red wine for others. Everyone except for Enzo, that is, he always opts for sparkling water, and I know enough about personal demons not to ask him why. If he wanted to tell us, he would.
My phone sits on the coffee table as we all anxiously stare at it, willing it to ring. I shot a message to Patrick a few minutes ago, letting him know we urgently needed to speak with him. With any luck, he was able to sneak away and will call us back any minute now.
“You think he lied to you when you first spoke to him?” Enzo asks.
“No,” Finn and I both answer in unison.
“He has no reason to harm Harper,” Finn explains, “All he wants is Declan gone so he can take over and fix everything Declan has fucked up. He seems to take pride in their organization and wants to restore it to what it once was.”
“But . . .” Sebastian cuts in warily. I’ve studied him enough over the last two weeks to recognize that he’s not overly confident when he isn’t behind his computers. He tends to keep to himself and only speaks when he’s spoken to. Sebastian shakes his head, cutting himself off before he can finish.
I know what it’s like to constantly be filled with self-doubt, so I urge him to continue. “Please, what were you going to say?”
Sebastian’s eyes meet Luca’s for reassurance, and I don’t miss the way Luca’s light up for a moment at the gesture before giving Sebastian a nod to continue. “You probably already thought of this, but wouldn’t Patrick want Harper out of the picture, too? I mean, if she’s the only other living Whelan, she could take over, right?”
“You’re right,” I answer, watching Sebastian sit up a little straighter in confidence. “But we thought of that already and we discussed it with Harper and with Patrick. He offered to step down if she wanted to take over. Patrick truly just wants what’s best for his people. Harper wholeheartedly declined the invitation. She wanted to stay here . . . with us.” I look over at my brothers, likely feeling the sting of my words just as much as I am. “He agreed to help us take down both Liam and Declan. All four of us believed him to be a hundred percent genuine.”
Sebastian looks down at his lap. “Oh, okay. Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, man. It was a valid thought.” Sebastian gives me a soft smile.
My phone suddenly rings from its spot on the table. Luca reaches down to answer it, putting it on speakerphone.
