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As I drove to town to officially move in with Anna, a new life plan formed in my head. I was going to work at this daycare. I was going to pick up as many odd jobs as I could and basically kill myself with work so I could save up as much money as possible. I didn’t see my life really starting until I was opening my own daycare. Then, I’d focus on meeting a man, falling in love, and building a life. That dream didn’t last long after meeting Lincoln. At first, I thought it was just going to be a one night stand, but then he turned out to be my neighbor. I thought he hated me but he didn’t, he was just worried for his daughter. Once we decided to give one another a chance, that was all it took. We both fell hard. Even though neither of us have uttered those three little words that will change everything, somehow, I think we both know how the other feels.
After getting close to Lincoln, a new plan formed in the back of my head. I’d stay with him. I’d help him raise his daughter. I’d work at the daycare and eventually open my own, but somehow that was no longer my top priority. He was, and Ava. I never really thought about having children of my own with Lincoln. We have Ava and she may as well be mine at this point. Plus, I deal with kids all day at work. Having a child of my own just isn’t a priority anymore. But once again, everything is changing as I sit on the toilet frozen, looking at the plastic stick in my hands that now has a second pink line on it.
I’m pregnant.
It’s been about six weeks since our trip to Florida so I’m guessing that’s about how far along I am. The thing is, I don’t have to wonder how something like this happened. I've been on the birth control shot since high school. I never missed one or got one late, until now. I was due for my shot the day we left for Florida but we were only gone a weekend and I figured a few days couldn’t make that big of a difference. I went to the doctor and got the shot the day after we got back from our trip but it looks like it was too late.
I toss the stick into the trash, flush the toilet, and wash my hands while looking at myself in the mirror. I’m not angry or upset about the pregnancy but I am a little worried about what this could mean for Lincoln and I. We’ve only been together for two and a half months now, and we still haven’t talked about what the future holds for us. It’s still early in our relationship and we agreed to take it slow. Sure, we didn’t take anything slow when it came to spending time together or sleeping together, but we weren’t putting any pressure on one another to label what we are. Now I’m pregnant and I have no idea if we’re even exclusive. I mean, I think we are but then again, we haven’t said the words to confirm those thoughts.
I decide to keep the news to myself for now. I need time to figure things out, figure myself out. Plus, there’s always a chance that the home test is wrong. I really should get this confirmed by a doctor before freaking him out. Finally, the day rolls around and I take the day off to go to the doctor’s office. I’m a nervous wreck but I manage to keep myself calm enough through the visit.
The first thing they have me do is pee into a cup, then they show me to a room where they leave me sitting alone for several long minutes. There’s a clock on the wall and its tick, tick, ticking is driving me insane. It’s only a reminder of how fast my life is changing. The nurse comes in and takes my temperature, blood pressure, and asks me a series of questions. Then she leaves me alone again.
That damn clock.
I’m lost in thought when there’s another knock at the door. I jump, watching it open. The doctor walks in with his white coat. He offers a smile. “Good morning, Emery. I’m Dr. Klein. How are you doing today?” He moves to the sink to wash his hands.
I take a deep breath and nod my head. “I’m anxious but I’m here.”
He lets out a deep chuckle. “There’s no need to be anxious. I understand you’re looking for a pregnancy confirmation. Is that correct?”
“Yes.”
He shuts off the water and grabs some paper towels to dry his hands. “Well, I’ll tell you this: There’s only two ways this can go. You’re either pregnant or you’re not. If you’re not then nothing changes. If you are…well, there will be changes but there’s nothing to be anxious about because what’s done is done. You can’t go back and change it, right?”
I want to roll my eyes but instead, I press my lips together and nod.
“Good. Now, take a deep breath.”
I inhale deeply and slowly let it out.
“Feel a little better?”
I offer a smile and nod. Actually, I do.
He picks up the file. “Let’s see here…”
I watch his eyes move over the paperwork in that file. They move fast from left to right, slowly descending the page. “We have your results back, Emery, and they show that you are, in fact, pregnant.”
I feel a long breath leave me as my shoulders fall inward. My head hangs as my eyes move to the floor. Truth is, I already knew I was pregnant. I don’t know why I bothered hoping I wasn’t. I had missed my period. The home test was positive. This was a last, ditch effort, but even then I knew what the result would be. The room gets so quiet, I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. I feel breathless, a little dizzy.
It doesn’t occur to me how long the room has been quiet until the doctor speaks up again. “I take it you were hoping for a negative result?”
I almost jump from his voice pulling me out of my thoughts. I shake my head clear as I train my eyes on his. “I was hoping but I already knew the truth.”
He nods and sits on his rolling stool in front of the computer. “I see.” His fingers start tapping off the keys. “I’m giving you a prescription for prenatal vitamins that I want you to start right away. The nurse will come in and draw some blood just so we can test your levels to see if we need to start you on any other vitamins or supplements. We need to make sure your iron, vitamin D, and B-12 are where we’d like them to be.” He logs out of the computer and then turns to face me.
“I understand you have a lot of thinking to do and you may not have made your decision yet, but please, take your vitamins until the decision has been made. As far as your options go, we have pamphlets out in the lobby.” He stands, putting his hand on my shoulder. “I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but everything will be okay.”
I look up at him. “How do you know that?”
He offers a friendly smile. “Everything always is.” He pats my shoulder. “Stay put, the nurse will be back in a moment.” He walks out the door, leaving me alone.
Just like he said, the nurse walks in moments later with a caddy. She wraps a rubber band around my arm and then draws several vials of blood from inside my right elbow. When she’s finished, she puts a cotton ball and a band aid across the site, and shows me back to the counter. I check out and I’m given a date for my next appointment. My vitamins have already been electronically sent to the pharmacy I’ll use in town. I walk back into the lobby and my eyes find the pamphlets the doctor was talking about.
I stop in front of the rack, reading over the big words on the front of the pamphlets. You Can Do This! Adoption, is it for you? How To Know When You’re Making The Right Choice. Planned Parenthood.
I walk out without any pamphlets. It feels like I’m running but I can’t control my feet. By the time I get to my car, my heart is pounding and I’m breathless. I know I need to think about my options, I also know what they are, but I don’t need to think about them until after I tell Lincoln the news. This isn’t just my decision. It’s his too.
