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He shrugs. “I’m not sure. The one thing I’ve known is that I’m not supposed to touch you.”
“Well, there was touching,” I tease.
“I know and the worst part of it is, Aud, I feel like an asshole for it. It was so easy for me to touch you that first time. It was so easy for me to take you to bed. It should have been harder than that after all Aiden and your parents have done for me. What are your parents going to say about this?”
“Honestly, I think Aiden is the only one with the caveman bullshit about not touching me. My parents won’t care as long as you’re respectful to me and you don’t make me cry.”
“I think I may have ruined that one already. Pretty sure I made you cry.” He bumps my shoulder with his and I shrug. “You are way too easy on me and way too forgiving. Why?”
I shrug again. “I don’t know. I think because I see a different side of you. You don’t give yourself enough credit, Derek. You don’t see what an amazing person you are. But I always have. And that amazing body and dick you have don’t hurt either.”
“Did Audrey Zaks really just say the word dick?” He says with a laugh.
“You act like you’ve never heard me say anything crass.” I shake my head and turn toward him.
“It’s been a while.” He pulls my body into his. “Let’s go get some rest. It’s already the next day, and yesterday was a hell of a day.”
I let him lead me into the house, and then we fall asleep in my bed, wrapped around each other. I’m so exhausted that I let sleep take me immediately. I can worry about all our problems in the morning. There always seems to be time for that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
I wake up to Derek staring at me.
“Good morning, baby,” he says. He looks at peace. Settled. I’m hoping that’s a good sign.
“Good morning,” I say back to him. My voice is less certain than his, but that’s because I’m not sure if he’s flipped on me again. The last few times we’ve talked, I feel like I gain him but then lose him all over again. Not like a breakup, but like we’re dancing through this relationship, and he keeps making moves that are backward and forward. I want to go forward and stop with the back and forth.
“You okay?” he asks.
I smile. “I was going to ask you the same question, actually.” I stretch my tired muscles. “Is this a happy wake up, Derek? Or is there something we have to talk about?”
He shakes his head, and I fear we have a lot to talk about.
Again.
“I think”—he moves closer to me and hauls me onto my side—“this is a good wake up. I’m not going to go back and forth with you anymore. There’s a lot of risk here and I know that. But I want this. I want you and I don’t care what anyone else says. I’ve been lying here thinking about all of this for quite some time now, and I think I’ve decided…fuck it.”
I laugh. “Fuck it, huh?”
“Let people have their opinions and say what we should and shouldn’t do, but I’m done listening to them. All that matters is that I’m in love with you and I want you. Damn the rest of them. We’re two consenting adults, and this isn’t really their business.”
My brain is still tripping over the fact that he just said that he loves me. “Derek…”
“Yes,” he says, the low timbre of his voice vibrating against my chest.
“Did you just say that you love me?”
He leans down and lightly kisses me on the lips. “Yeah, I did. I love you, Audrey.”
My voice catches in my throat, and I can barely get the words out. “I love you, too, Derek,” I whisper.
“You don’t have to say it just because I did.”
I hold my hand up to silence him. “I do love you. I think I have since we were kids.”
He laughs. “Oh man, I wasn’t the easiest kid to love back then.” He looks up at the ceiling.
“I’ve always found you lovable.” I run a hand along his shoulder, down his arm, and squeeze his hand. “You dealt with a lot when we were kids. I think you forget that you were owed some grace with all of that.”
