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“I don’t, Joss. I really don’t. It’s just… I’m sorry.”
“No, you don’t need to be sorry, Ben. I’m not sure I understand the whole dynamic between you two, but what we did tonight… It was nice.”
“I… I needed it. And I feel bad, because I know he doesn’t really enjoy that. And I feel like a bit of a dick for forcing him to—””
“Hey,” I say, placing my palm on his cheek. “I was the one looking at his face tonight. And it didn’t look like he hated it.” I tighten my arms around him and press my cheek to his chest. There’s a drama exercise – several in fact – where you touch the people you’re working with to synchronise heartbeats. Usually by placing your hands alternately on top of one another or something like that. Then when you try to do some kind of physical action you have more strength. It works, no matter how out there it sounds. One time, I got flung up in the air by mistake after two fellow students barely lifted me off the ground the first time.
I take a deep breath and breathe him in, smelling the green apple shower gel I know Ben prefers.
“Is Matt sleeping?” I ask.
“I don’t think so,” Ben says. “And I should go back to him, no matter how nice this is. I need to make sure he’s okay. That he doesn’t hate me.”
“He doesn’t hate you,” I say, rubbing my hands over the muscles in his back, but he pushes me away, holding my hands still between us.
“Jocelyn, it’s important that I go back and take care of him. I don’t know if you understand what happened…” He’s frowning as if he doesn’t really understand either.
“Go, take care of him. Do whatever you need to do,” I say. “I’ll relax in the bath. All alone.”
“Joss,” he says, the warning clear in his voice and then he’s getting a cloth and rinsing it out, then he goes back into the bedroom while I get into my very bubbly bath and let myself float.
Does it bother me I’ve ended up alone? No. Not at all. I smile as I remember what it felt like earlier to see Matt give up some of his control. Not that I want him to be like that all the time. I like him just the way he is, but I’m glad he was able to be something different for Ben. My mouth curves into a smile when I hear low voices coming from the bedroom and someone’s soft gasp. My fingers slip between my legs and I pleasure myself as I listen to them. Together.
Matt
Islip from thebed when I hear the alarm go off in my room at five am. I don’t want to get up. For more reasons than I care to fully consider, but like an idiot, I chose to be a baker, which means a lifetime of early starts and a lot more late nights than I anticipated, too. And I realise now that Ben doesn’t know most of it was because of him.
I go to my own room for a shower so as not to disturb them, but I can’t resist looking in on them when I’m ready to leave. I lean against the door frame of Ben’s bedroom. He’s spooned around Jocelyn in such a way that I can see both their faces lit gently by the hall light. While she was in the bath last night, Ben took me again, face to face that time, and I definitely did not hate that. I guess it’s different with someone you love. Maybe it’s something we can keep for special occasions?
Her hand smooths the sheet beside her, and her eyes flicker open as she realises I’m no longer there beside her. She looks up at me with sleepy eyes and a lazy smile crosses her face.
“Morning,” she says, then she groans and turns her face into the pillow.
“You’re so beautiful,” I say, and she lifts her head and looks at me again.
“Then come back to bed.”
“I can’t. I need to go to work.”
“I’m going to come down later. Have words with your boss. Make sure he realises he shouldn’t be working you this hard. Or at least not this early in the morning.”
I chuckle. “I’ll be back around three.”
“Matt?”
“Yes?”
“You work too hard.”
I don’t answer her. It’s probably true, although I know it’s one of the things that my relationship with Ben pushes me to do. I grew up with wealth; he grew up with… well, not with nothing, but with a normal amount of stuff, I guess. And sometimes the things he says make me feel guilty that really, I could never work a single day in my life ever again and still not lack for any materials things — within reason. And so I work hard. I run a successful bakery, just to prove that I’m not exactly what I am. A rich kid with a trust fund and a penthouse in the capital.
And now, seeing the two of them lying naked together in bed this morning, and me wanting to do nothing more than simply just crawl back into it with them, makes me rethink my life choices. Have I proved myself worthy to Ben yet?
“Dream of me,” I whisper as I pull the door closed.
“She’s not going to be sleeping,” Ben says.
Bastard. The door clicks shut and I head down the hall, adjusting myself in my jeans before I step out the front door. I use the stairs knowing that if I have tostand and wait for the lift to turn up, then I’m going to cave and climb back into bed with them. But I have orders to fulfil. Macarons to make that I should have made last night. I grin at the memory of where that last batch of macaron batter ended up. I don’t usually bake in the flat, and had only done it because I was so behind and it was raining.
