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Her dark twists and braids are pulled up in a high ponytail on the top of her head, the ends whipping over her bare shoulder as she crosses to my dresser, refolding the clothes Bonnie tore out.
“Fine, I just-”
“Don’t wanna see them,” she finishes casually with a shrug, her back still to me.
Belly twisting, I drop my gaze, studying the tops of my feet, knotting my fingers, the bones popping. The familiar rush of dread and anxiety swirls in my gut, and I squeeze my eyes closed. I just need something to take the edge off.
“Right?” she asks, her shuffling hands on my clothing stopping.
I don’t look up, hearing Bonnie’s steps in the hall, stopping just outside the open door.
“I miss them,” the confession drags out with a trembling lip and I think of the pills on my desk.
The little clear bag of them tucked just inside a notebook. How badly I want to swallow them, drift into semi-consciousness with a smile. To make me more fun. Sociable.Normal.
Neither of them say anything and I don’t look up, but my mouth doesn’t stop either.
“I think I’m broken,” it squeezes out of me, my lungs choking me. “They felt like my family.”
A tear drips down my cheek with my huffed laughter, and I rush to wipe it free, keeping my head down, eyes squeezed shut.
“They hurt you,” Emma says plainly, no judgment in her tone, just a statement.
“They did,” I nod, and then, “I think I probably deserved it,” I say the words with a shudder, mixed feelings about everything I know now, someone has to take responsibility for what my father did to theirs.
“You definitely did not deserve it,” Emma says coldly, bluntly, and I feel my heart squeeze.
“I fucked Bennett,” I shove the heels of my hands into my eyes, shaking my head, sucking in my sob. “I betrayed them with that.”
“They were already messing with you by then, sweetie, that’s got nothing to do with why, at all. You know that,” Emma says, and I hear Bonnie step closer, one step, into the room, the door still open, and I can’t stop my mouth.
“I had sex with Flynn on Friday,” I shove my hands into my hair, tugging on the roots, it’s easier to confess without looking at them, seeing their reactions. “I fucked him and then I left him in a fucking bathroom stall.” I laugh at myself caustically, spinning around so my back’s to them.
Opening my eyes, shaky fingers rushing through the pages of my notebook, I pop open the bag of pills with blurry eyes, throw two into my mouth, drop my head back and dry swallow them down, staring up at the ceiling.
“Pops, you’re allowed to fuck whoever you want,” Emma says quietly as I exhale heavily.
“They'll never want me back now,” I sob, my shoulders shaking violently. It’s what I’ve been thinking about for the last four days. “They’ll never fucking want me now.” My knees tremble, and they hit the floor before I can stop myself falling, my face buried in my hands as I have my breakdown.
“Is that what you want?” Bonnie asks, “You want them back, babe, all of them?”
It’s all I want.
“It doesn’t matter,” I breathe out, sucking in air, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. “It doesn’t matter.”
It’s like a chant to myself, as I relax into the fact the Ecstasy will start to work soon, too fast probably, and I’ll have to take more to get through the night, but we’re going to be drinking andmixing it with alcohol will make my high feel like it lasts longer. Either that or it’ll knock me out for the night and I’ll finally sleep properly. I’ve not taken anything since I saw Flynn, my nerves frayed and I’ve been fucking miserable. But I’ll start to feel better now.
“It doesn’t matter, I’m better now,” I smile even though no one can see me, showing my teeth, resting back on my heels, I breathe deep, wiping my eyes. “I’m better now.”
The door slams at my back and I whip around, glancing between the two girls.
Bonnie’s mouth works soundlessly for a moment and then she smiles, shrugging one shoulder, her other hand going to her hip, “Wind.”
This party is fucking wild.
I suck on some fruity vape shit that some kid in pressed beige chinos told me tastes like mangos. I said no, because I hate smoking, I cough more than I smoke, but then he told me it was flavoured cannabis oil and I snatched it right up.
I dunno if I wanna take more pills than the three I already swallowed today and the one I crushed to snort in the bathroom when we first got here and I saw how many people were crammed inside this huge mansion. I didn’t think it was possible for this many people to be wall to wall when the square footage of the place is at least in the five figure range.
