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She turned to look at him. “I do think that.”
“No, you agonize over things a lot,” said Decker.
“Well, but I shouldn’t is the thing,” said Essence. “I tell myself this because I get stuck agonizing over things. I should just do whatever. It doesn’t matter what I do.”
Decker furrowed his brow.
“So, you’re saying that I’ll either have kids or not, and I’ll still be the same amount of miserable in the end?” said Niles.
“Exactly,” she said. “I mean, think about it. Most people are not happy.”
“I don’t know if I would say that,” said Decker.
“People do seem negative a lot,” said Niles. “But, you know, I’m happy. I’m a happy person.”
“Sure,” said Essence. “Most people think they’re happy. But if you talk to them, almost every conversation I have with every single person in my life involves them complaining about something. So, I think happy people are just deluded. The reality is that life is hard and painful and full of difficulty. And happiness is just about how well you can lie to yourself about this and convince yourself that it isn’t true.”
“You don’t think that,” protested Decker.
“Who knows me better?” said Essence. “Me or you?”
“I’m just saying, Essence, if you really thought that, you wouldn’t keep trying,” said Decker. “If a person really thought that, that everything was hopeless, that person would give up and die. The fact that you’re up and moving means that you don’t believe it.”
She shrugged. “I guess so. I’m not awful at believing the lies I tell myself, that’s all. But I know, deep down, they’re lies.”
Decker narrowed his eyes at her, as if he was seeing her for the first time.
She shied away from that gaze, turning back to Niles.
“So, if that’s true,” said Niles, “and she wants babies, I should just do it for her. I mean, what’s the big deal? It’s obviously going to be a bigger deal for her than it is for me. And in the end—”
“No,” said Decker. “You should not have kids if you don’t want kids.”
“And if I was sure that I didn’t want kids, then I wouldn’t do it,” said Niles.
“But if you aren’t sure, it’s the same thing,” said Decker. “Children should have parents who want them.”
“Yeah,” said Niles, nodding. “See? This is what I’m thinking. What if I fuck these kids up by not being fully on board? What if I’m a terrible father?”
“Everyone is a terrible father,” said Essence. “All people doubt whether they want to have children. If everyone second-guessed themselves forever, we’d all die out.”
“Everyone is not a terrible father,” said Decker.
“I guess you’d be a great dad,” said Niles. “Have you thought about it?”
Decker shrugged. “I mean, I’d do my best at it. I’ve definitely thought about it. I don’t want to be one of those dads who just is there for all the fun stuff. I want to experience all of it. I want the night feedings and the diapers and the tantrums and everything. Because, if you don’t go through all those hard parts with the kid, the kid never quite trusts you, you know what I mean?”
“I think so,” said Essence.
“No?” said Niles.
“Like, when I was a kid,” said Decker, “my dad was a good dad or whatever, but whenever my mother would leave me and my sister home with him, we’d all feel this low level of panic, all of us. Because we did not trust my dad to know how to take care of us, because all my dad did was the easy stuff. He’d roughhouse with us or read us bedtime stories or throw a ball around with us, but he never cooked or bandaged our knees or comforted us when we were crying. He was there, you know. He loved us. And I’m not blaming him or anything. I’m just saying, I want to be a really real parent, a full co-parent with the mother of my kids. I want my kids to trust that I can handle all the things, just like their mother can. And it’s because, like, when I was really sad or really hurt, and my dad was there, it was good, but I wanted my mom.”
“That’s normal, though,” said Niles. “You always want your mom when you’re really sad.”
“But why?” said Decker. “Wouldn’t you want your dad if you knew he could comfort you?”
Niles let out a breath, blinking and thinking about it. “I mean, maybe you’re onto something, dude.”
