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He was only suggesting it so that they would have a chance to talk. “Well, let’s check out the other room.”
She nodded slowly. “Sure.”
Together, they made their way back to the back room. They sat down at a table together, the same one in the corner where they’d sat earlier. Decker wondered about that. Why did people tend to do that, to want to sit in the same chairs? He remembered, in high school, even when there wasn’t a seating chart, everyone always seemed to sit in the same seats in every class anyway.
He sat down and toyed with the chain on the cuffs for a little bit, glad they were still stuck together. “Look, I’ve been asking you this question, but I feel like it keeps coming off as an accusation, when I’m really, actually curious.”
“What question?”
“Why do you like it?” He reached across the table and touched her neck.
“Oh.” She touched her neck, too. Their fingers touched. They slid their fingers against each other and then linked them.
He let out a noisy breath. “I just figured that women didn’t like it.”
“Well, I don’t… it’s not about the, um…” Her voice lowered and she blushed. “The choking,” she said softly. “It’s about, I don’t know, something else. The way you seemed so out of control, I guess.”
“But that’s not good,” he said. But he did remember that she started getting all into the idea of sex with him after he’d said he was feeling out of control, hadn’t she? “Essence, I don’t want to be out of control.”
“Well, I don’t want you to be out of control either, I guess,” she said. “But it’s sort of flattering if you lose control, you know, because of me.” She blushed again, ducking down her chin against her chest, and she was as cute as the tangles of time itself.
He pulled their entwined fingers to his mouth and kissed them.
Her eyelids fluttered closed.
He sighed. “I’m still confused, though.”
“Me too.” She slowly opened her eyes. She was smiling at him. “It was so confusing. I felt so safe with you, able to open up and give in to desires that I usually keep inside. I trusted you. And then it seemed like we weren’t even on the same page afterwards. But it felt like we were on the same page.”
“Wait, what? How could it seem like we weren’t and also feel like we weren’t?”
“Oh, I mean, while it was happening, it felt like we were really connected,” she said. “That was good sex.”
“Yeah,” he said, and his voice had gone guttural. “That was maybe the best sex I’ve ever had.”
She let out a little gasp. “Really? But you acted so upset about it.”
“I am upset,” he said.
“Why? You want to have good sex with me?”
“No, I… I don’t want to be out of control with you.”
“Right, but it was fine,” she said. “I trust you, Decker.”
“That’s the thing. If I’m out of control, you shouldn’t trust me. Briars, if I’m out of control, I don’t trust myself.”
She chewed on her lower lip.
“I don’t think you really want me to be out of control,” he said.
“Well, you would never do anything really awful,” she said.
“Not if I was in control of myself.”
“Decker, the deep down core of you, it’s good,” she said. “You couldn’t do a really awful thing. Just couldn’t.”
He shook his head at her. “I don’t get you, Essence.”
