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Turning, I let my body slide down the wall as sobs wrack my body. Suddenly, it's like my whole life is running through my head. My dad, the days of Beau bullying me, Brock, and then Beau again, only it's the honest Beau. The one who helped me overcome my anger and feeling sorry for myself. He was my rock during those times, and now, I'm back to being by myself.
I want so badly to stay strong, to show everyone that I've grown from that girl who was continuously hopped up on X. I now have people depending on me, so I need to figure my shit out. My fingers trace the scars on my thighs, and I close my eyes, remembering the way it made me feel. It was just enough to take the edge off.
Cursing, I pull my hands away and finish my shower. After drying off, I pull a t-shirt and a pair of leggings on before brushing out my hair and throwing it in a messy bun. I need to go to my old room where some items were left.
The house is quiet as I go to the door leading up to the room I occupied briefly. I skip the two steps that creak, so nobody hears me coming up here. It's not that I'm trying to be sneaky, but I'm trying to be sneaky. Bain doesn't need to know what I need from the cupboard under the bathroom sink. That's if it's still there. My mom may have found it after I left and tossed it out for all I know.
When I reach the top of the stairs, I open the door and slip inside, hurrying across the padded carpet. I go straight to the vanity and open the door beneath it, finding precisely what I sought. Grabbing the small plastic container, I start to leave when a faint noise reaches my ears.
It sounds like some muffled snapping noise. Looking around the darkened room, the only light is from the hallway. That is until I see a sliver of a pale glow coming from the direction of the door that was always locked. Gripping the container, I inch over to the door and peer through the crack.
I cover my mouth instantly so as not to give away my presence. My eyes are glued on the scene before me, almost like they were the night I found my mother and Bain being intimate. This time, Bain is by himself as he kneels on the floor, shirtless. He has something in his hand, but it's hard to determine exactly what it is. I'm frozen in place as I take in his form. Wearing nothing but a pair of black jeans, his feet are bare like his upper body as he kneels, sitting back on the heels of his feet.
Suddenly, he moves his arm quickly and the sound I heard a moment ago echoes through the room. Now I know what it is—a whip. He wields a whip back, letting it slap against his back. I didn't notice the red marks on his back, but now I do; they're more like welts. Bain is whipping himself!
More than anything, I want to rush inside and take the weapon away, but as he continues to do it, something in me becomes intrigued, and I remain where I am. Beautiful marks now mar his back, and with each hit, Bain hisses, telling me it's painful.I bet it's an exquisite pain.I suck in my bottom lip as I watch. He increases his strikes and hits hard continuously until he can't take it anymore, and then, he throws the whip down.
He leans forward, holding himself up by his fists on the floor as he pants heavily. An urge comes over me, and I crave to go to him and run my fingers over every mark on his back. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't shake it. I almost push the door open, but then Bain jumps to his feet, and I jerk back.
Not wanting him to see me here, I rush out of the room, careful not to make any noise, heading straight for my room. I never look back, but I think if he had seen me, he would call out to me, and he didn't, so I'm in the clear. I'm panting myself, by the time I close my bedroom door. Holding my plastic case to my chest, I close my eyes and remember what I just witnessed.I wonder what it would feel like to have the kiss of the whip across my back.
I wake up drenched in sweat once again from the nightmares plaguing my dreams. They aren't only about me. I dream of walking into the basement at Julien's and seeing all those people cramped in cages or chained to the walls. The stench of urine and blood is forever burned into me.
The clock says ten after five in the morning, so I get up and go turn the shower on. Pulling the container out from under the sink, I place it on the vanity and open it up. Picking up a new box, I open it and stare at the shiny new razor blades. My heart races as I pull out the first one, pressing the sharp edge against the pad of my finger until a drop of blood appears.Oh, that's nice and sharp.
When I turn toward the shower, I catch my reflection and become hypnotized by the woman staring back at me. She no longer resembles the girl back then, the girl who thought her world was ending. I know better now. The world doesn't end just because you're having a bad day or have hit rough times.
"You've got this, Ry," a familiar voice whispers in my ear.
I whip around, thinking he's standing right behind me, but the space is empty. Beau's voice, deep and raspy, sounded so real. Regardless of whether he's here or not, he's right. I'm stronger than I was all those years ago. I don't need to self-mutilate to deal with my pain, but there is one thing I can try to see if it will help.
Taking a quick shower to rinse the aftermath of my nightmares away. I don't bother dressing, but I throw on my silk robe and quietly make my way to the third floor. I try the handle to the door that was always locked when I was using the room, expecting it to be locked again, but the handle moves, and the door opens easily.Bain must have thought I would never have need to come up here again, so he didn't bother locking it.
Flipping the light switch, a soft glow illuminates the room with its black walls and red accent colors. A bed in the room is pushed against the back wall, with red leather on the headboard and footboard. Black diamond studs create a design in the head and footboards, causing the leather between each stud to puff out.
Padded tables and benches with restraints attached to them fill the space on one side of the room while a massive wooden cross, painted black, looms on the other. Cabinets line the wall on the side with the cross, and as I open doors and drawers, I chuckle at the array of vibrators, plugs, and other toys stored away. A wardrobe opens to implements ranging from ticklers to floggers, paddles, and canes. There are a variety to choose from, but none are what I'm looking for.
When my eyes land on a wall with hooks, my eyes light up as they fall upon the different whips displayed. I run my hands over all of them, feeling the thickness of each one and what they are made with. I don't know much about this stuff, but I'm not innocent, either. I used to watch a lot of porn with Brock back in the day, and even though I never tried any of it with him, the concept had always intrigued me. I think the pleasurable pain that it promises has a lot to do with it.
I reach up and pull a skinny black whip from one of the hooks. Flicking my wrist, I hear the hiss of it as the leather flies through the air. It's long…too long, so I reach for another.
"What are you doing in here, Ryan."
"AGH!" I scream and jump back, finding my stepfather leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed, staring curiously at me.
Fifty-One
"You scared me!" I tell him as I hold my hand against my racing heart.
Eyeing the whip in my other hand, Bain strolls into the room. "You didn't answer me, Ryan."
My stepfather is still a very handsome man. Being in his mid-forties, he's barely got gray hair or fine lines. He and Beau have the same chiseled jawline and masculine nose. There is no questioning Beau's paternity because he's the spitting image of his father. The only difference is their eye color. Bain is very fit and has the lean muscular form to prove it.
I'm just now noticing that he's wearing only flannel pajama pants, his feet bare, just like last night. The same goes for his upper body, where I notice a light sprinkle of dark hair on his chest and a thin trail leading into the bottoms that hang lower on his hip, showing off the deep V cut. When I meet his eyes, I swear I could see amusement in them right before he covers it up.
"I-I came up here to see if I had left a container of mine in the bathroom, but then I saw this door open," I lie through my teeth, "I just wanted a quick peek."
I turn and replace the whip back in its spot, but then, I feel his heat at my back, and the scent of his aftershave or body wash attacks my nose as he reaches over me and pulls down another whip. I don't dare move, too scared he will sense my nervousness, but then he hands me the whip.
