AllFreeNovel
Share Us
"This is a good one to start with. Just make sure you don't put too much power behind it," Bain says as he steps back.
I eye him and then the whip. When I put my attention back on him, I say, "I don't understand…"
One side of his mouth tilts. "I know you saw me last night, Ryan."
I swallow hard and look away, too embarrassed to look him in the eye. It just so happens that I'm looking at the same spot where he was kneeling. A mirror hangs on the wall right in front of where he was facing as he whipped himself. I close my eyes and curse. I never even noticed it last night, but he saw me—watching.
"Hey, look at me," he says softly and gently.
When I do, there is no anger or anything negative in the way he's staring at me. "I'm sorry. I came up last night to get my container. I shouldn't have watched once I saw that it was you, but…"
He waits for me to continue my sentence, and when I don't, he urges me to finish. "But what, Ryan?"
"I was intrigued with what you were doing," I say, my voice barely above a whisper.
Silence ensues, and I'm unsure what to do, so I decide to leave. Bain's hand wraps itself around my wrist when I walk past, stopping me. I keep my eyes on the door, but I can see him in my peripheral, and as he looks to the opposite side of the room, he leans in just a little.
"I'm not ashamed of what I do, and you shouldn't be ashamed for being intrigued by it." He doesn't let go, and I don't try to break free.
"Why do you do it?" I ask softly, but I think I may already know.
"Why did you used to take drugs…or cut yourself?"
My breathing hitches upon hearing him mention that part of my life. How does he know? I find it hard to believe that Beau would have said anything to him. My brows knit together momentarily until it dawns on me—Brock.
"Ryan, we all deal with our demons in our own way. Some of us are a walking medicine cabinet, and some take a darker approach. We use pain to help relieve the worst of it."
Slowly, I turn my head slightly and side-eye my stepfather, asking, "What are your demons?"
He scoffs, "I have many, but my recent ones, I share with you."
"Mom…" I breathe, and he nods. "You said it in a plural sense."
"My son. I don't know how to get through to him." Bain sighs. "Hell, I can't even get in touch with him. I have no idea where he's at or if he's even okay. I've failed as a husband and now as a parent."
"Bain…no," I tell him, trying to soothe him.
He finally turns his head and meets my eyes, but his face screws up in disgust. "My first wife was tortured and killed because of me, and no matter how much I paid in doctor fees, I couldn't keep my second wife from dying. Now my son hates me and is gone, and hell, I've even failed in keeping you safe."
I don't argue with the last two, but that doesn't mean there isn't time to make up for it. I know people make mistakes, and they can think they are doing right by someone else, only to make it worse. I may not forget what Bain did, but I will forgive him if he is genuinely sorry.
"Well..." I turn my body and flatten my hand on his bare back as he continues to hold my wrist. "I'm still here, and I need to heal, too. What do you say we heal together?"
He gives me a small smile. "I'd like that."
I notice his suspiciously glossy eyes, but then he takes a deep breath and exhales, letting go of my wrist. I immediately feel cold and unconnected. Just those few minutes when he held fast to my wrist, I didn't feel so alone, but now it's back even though he's standing right in front of me.
"Ryan, have you ever had an implement used on you?" Bain asks.
"No."
"Have you had anything used on you?" he asks surprisedly.
"Do vibrators and butt plugs count?" My face is heating just talking about this stuff with my stepfather.
"Jesus…give me that!" He takes the whip from me. "You can't use the whip until you feel what the less severe implements feel like first."
"But I need this…" I choke on my words as I look at the floor.
