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“Why’d you take off? I thought we were coming together?” Evan popped the cap off the bottle and took a long drag. “JoJo?”
I sighed, but words just wouldn’t come to me. There was no way I could do this. I couldn’t even look at him. The couple across from us got up, holding hands as they walked toward the house. Other than the small group at the second fire pit, we were alone.
He put his hand over mine, and it burned more than touching that fire would have. I wanted it to mean more than just a friendly touch. No, I needed it to mean more, and it never would. This was a mistake. I yanked my hand out from under his and pushed my body back into the chair, trying to put some distance between us and failing.
“What’s going on? I thought you’d be happy tonight. You’re always happy when we win.” I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye to see his face twisted in confusion. Guilt weighed on my chest. “What did I do?”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed, long and harsh. It was cold and heartless, and it was only to protect myself. Once I told him, this would all be over.
“I don’t get it.” Evan leaned away to get a better look at me, staring at me like he didn’t even know who I was. Maybe he didn’t. Maybe we didn’t know each other at all. God, how could I ruin this perfect thing between us by telling him the truth?
“I can’t do this.” I pushed to my feet, accidentally kicking the empty bottle I’d set on the ground. There really wasn’t anywhere to go. If I went inside, the happy couples and hook ups would just bring me further down, but staying outside meant confronting my feelings. I walked to a dark corner of the yard. That seemed safer. At least he wouldn’t see me cry.
“Can’t do what?” Evan said, coming up behind me. “What’s going on, JoJo? Talk to me. You always talk to me.”
“I know,” I whispered as the tears started flowing like Minnehaha Falls. We’d gone there together when he had a game in the Twin Cities. It was one of the few away games I could get to for him.
I swear I could feel my heart as it shattered into a million pieces at the thought of losing him. I had to tell him. I didn’t turn around, keeping my gaze locked onto the untreated wooden fence that was easier to look at than Evan. “I just can’t, Evan.”
His arms wrapped around me from behind, cocooning me in the safety net I’d relied on for so long. That only made things worse. Evan hugged me whenever I needed it, but I didn’t realize how much I wanted it too. I pulled away, unable to bear his body pressed against mine. “Stop.”
His arms fell away, but he hovered behind me in a tense silence. He didn’t try to touch me again.
I finally turned toward him, and Evan shoved his hands in his pockets. His eyebrows were curled down in concern, and all I wanted to do was smooth them out like I had done so many times before. He’d put his head in my lap and I’d massaged his temples, taking away his stress.
“I… can’t.” The words slipped from my lips, barely a whisper.
“Please tell me what’s going on? Did I do something?” He stepped toward me, but he still kept some space between us. “I haven’t seen you since yesterday, Josie. Tell me what I did because I have no idea.”
“Why did you have to kiss her?” I asked, bluntly. He wasn’t going to let this go, and since he wanted to press it then I guess I was done holding it in. If you love someone, set them free, and all that bullshit. “You don’t even know her.”
“What are you talking about?” More confusion flickered across his face. He really had no clue. God, he didn’t even remember making out with that blonde in the parking lot.
“You always jump into… never mind. It’s none of my business. I’m sorry I even brought it up.” I waved him off as another tsunami of doubt crashed into me, my hands trembling.
“Whoa, you don’t get to go there and pull back.” He shook his head and tugged his hands free. Evan talked better with his hands flying around. “We agreed we’d always talk to each other. Even if we don’t like what the other person has to say. Obviously, I’m not going to like this, so just tell me and get it over with, Jocelyn.”
“Don’t call me that,” I bit out in frustration. He knew how much I hated my full name. I hated Josie too, but he usually called me JoJo, and I loved that. He was the only person to ever give me a nickname, and he snapped at anyone who called me JoJo. That was his name for me.
“Then talk.” He crossed his arms and quickly went from bewildered to pissed.
“Fine.” I matched his stance. How else could I do this? It was almost like a showdown, except I knew I’d lose. “You want to know. I’ll tell you. I’m so tired of sitting back and watching you fuck every girl who puts her tits on your chest. Did you screw that blonde already? It wouldn’t have taken long for you to sneak her back inside the arena. How was it, Evan? Just another notch in your belt.”
His expression didn’t change as he stared at me for several seconds, totally dumbfounded. Then it dawned on him who the blonde was that I was referring to. When he finally responded, his voice was low and far too calm. “No, I didn’t, and I don’t sleep with every girl that comes on to me. Why does this one piss you off so much?”
“Just… never mind.” I tried to walk around him, but he put his hand out to stop me.
“No, this isn’t over.” He dropped his hand as soon as I stopped, still not touching me. Evan was always respectful of other people’s space. He never pushed it with anyone, especially me. “Spell it out for me, JoJo. Help me understand.”
“Did I ever tell you why Ryan broke up with me before Christmas break?” I stared down at the dead grass. Some of it had started coming back to life in spots. It was almost a metaphor for my life. I felt dead inside unless I had those spare moments with Evan.
“He wasn’t ready for a commitment.” Evan paused, and I waited while he thought it over. His eyes widened when he realized what exactly I said. “Wait. You said you broke it off with him.”
I shook my head slowly, knowing what I was about to clear up for him. Kicking the grass that didn’t deserve my punishment, I prepared to tell him what really happened. “Ryan broke up with me because I wasn’t fully committed to him. He said there was someone else in my life who meant more to me.” I lifted my gaze and met Evan’s gray eyes. “He meant you.”
“He hated me so much that he blamed me?” Evan’s hands fell to his sides.
“He hated that I spent more time with you than with him. He hated that I went to you whenever you needed me. He hated that I called you first when I needed someone to talk to.” I blinked the slow tears that hadn’t stopped leaking from my eyes. “He didn’t hate you. He hated that you meant more to me than he did.”
