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I got up on impulse, and now I’m standing here, every eye in the room on me, Rachel’s anxious frown making my gut twist, Ethan hovering at the end of the row, ready to jump up and intercept me.
Clearing my throat again, I shift my eyes to the coffin. To that photo I can’t see anymore because I’m at the wrong angle. Dad is smiling like a man who could take on the world. Smiling like he loved life.
And he did.
My mind fires back to a memory I’d totally forgotten about.
“Uh…” I sniff, begging my voice not to shake. “So, it’s no secret that my dad and I weren’t too close these past few years.”
My mother sucks in a breath, her look of pure desperation making me feel kind of bad. Fuck. She has so little faith in me right now. Probably because I turned my back on a dying man who wanted to apologize.
Closing my eyes, I pull in a breath and conjure up that memory again.
“But I remember this time… when I was seven.” My chin starts to tremble, so I pinch it. “Dad was home on leave. It was the summer and hot as hell. I can’t remember where Mama was, but Dad was in charge, and we were bored and restless. I think Maria and I were fighting or something.” I glance at my sister. Her eyes are glimmering, and I wonder if she remembers this story too. She nods, and it gives me the strength to keep going. “So, he… he made us go outside. And I remember being so mad that he was banishing us out in that killer heat, but then… he came out too.” My lips twitch as I hear our giggles and screams. “And he turned on the hose, and he chased us with that thing.” This watery laugh punches out of me, my eyes starting to burn as I picture the scene. Two kids running around the lawn like crazies while this bear of a man chased them with a hose, growling and laughing. “We ended up having a massive water fight, and… and it was the best.” I swallow, trying to control my voice. “Then we walked down the road together, soaking wet, and he bought us popsicles.” My voice cracks as tears start to blur my vision. “And it was so hot, they were melting all over us, and Dad just sat there laughing. Like, it wasn’t just the best day for us but for him, too, you know?” I sniff and rub my eyes, trying to clear my vision. “He loved us. He couldn’t always show it, but he did. He loved us.”
Mama’s breath catches again. I gaze at her through my tears as she covers her mouth and dips her head. She’s weeping as Sofia jumps up from her place and wraps an arm around her, resting her head on her shoulder. Tears slip from her eyes, gliding down her rounded cheeks… and I’m done now.
Stepping away from the mic, I stop by Dad’s coffin and lay my fingers on the edge. Looking at his photo, I summon what I can from deep within and softly whisper, “I forgive you.” I don’t feel like I truly mean it yet, but I say it for Mama. I say it because maybe one day I will feel it. Maybe one day the only memories I’ll have left are water fights in the sun and melting popsicles.
Rachel’s waiting for me when I return to my seat, her fingers threading between mine as soon as I sit down. I soak in her tearful smile and feel her love and pride all the way to my core.
As I lean back against the pew, this weight I didn’t even realize I was carrying seems to lift off my shoulders, and I let out a long sigh. Ethan squeezes my shoulder, and I get a few pats on the back from my teammates. I’m grateful for my family. My brothers who are here to support me on my darkest days.
Just like I’ll be there for them.
Family.
I gaze at my dad’s coffin and know I can’t keep denying that he was mine. There were moments when he was a good dad. I guess I just have to focus on those and let the rest go. He can’t hurt us anymore… unless I choose to hold on to the crap. I need to let that shit go and move on with my life.
And remember the good times.
Only the good times.
CHAPTER 41
RACHEL
By the time we get home from the funeral, I’m exhausted.
The guys have a game in two hours, and they’ll be heading off to warm up soon. The fact that they had two weeks of home games in a row was like this little miracle. It means, of course, they’ll be away the following two weekends, but thank God they’re home now.
I’m not sure how Liam will focus on his game tonight. There’s no way I could give my all on the ice after such a draining day, but he kisses my lips and heads off. I can tell he’s itching to get on the ice, and he plays like a demon.
The Cougars annihilate the visiting team, and it’s a heady triumph for them all. The celebrations in Hockey House tonight are loud and raucous. It’s like the guys are all trying to burn off the sadness from the funeral. They need to party and let loose. The house is bursting with people I don’t know. The entire team is here along with a plethora of puck bunnies, friends, and college fans. Music is pumping, liquor is flowing, random people are making out with each other, there’s a dangerous-looking game of darts happening in the pool room, and I’m standing against the wall, trying to turn myself into an invisible ornament.
Sure, I laugh at some of the antics going on around me and can’t help grinning as Liam—the only guy not drinking—monitors the room, diverting disasters in the nick of time. He’s a good man. I should be out there helping him, but I’m too tired to move. I just want to go to bed. I’m seriously exhausted. It makes me feel like an old nana, but I don’t care.
Eventually I give in and slip out of the room, heading upstairs to hide myself away on Liam’s bed.
I call my mom and update her on how the funeral went today.
Seeing her face on my screen brings tears to my eyes. She smiles at me, and we talk about Dad, remembering the good times. The ache in my chest pulses away, matching the beat of the music downstairs.
“Sounds like it was a tough day, sweetie.”
“It was,” I murmur, curling my knees to my chest. “But I’m grateful I was there for him.”
“You seem to really love this guy.” She tips her head, studying me carefully.
