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“Since the day I learned how to talk, now get eating.”
“Of course.” She huffed a laugh before launching into a coughing fit, her face turning bright red as she struggled for air.
I combed through her dresser in search of the smelling salts, located them under a pile of papers, and then held one under her nose.
Within seconds, her shoulders relaxed, and she took a full breath.
“You need to quit moving these.” I set them on her bedside table, next to the nightly medicine she allegedly took. “Why do you insist on letting yourself suffer for no reason?”
“Please. I wish someone would put an arrow through my?—”
“Mother!”
“You’re eighteen years old, Elowyn. You should be out enjoying your life, not sitting around here worrying about an old hag.” She dipped the spoon into her bowl, only half filling it, and slurped it into her mouth. “See, I’m better already.”
I grabbed my soup and sank onto the bed by her feet, warming my hands on the bowl. I hated how flippant she was, how she didn’t care about her health—or how it affected me. What was I supposed to do without her? I’d never been alone. Who’d answer my endless questions and help me navigate this harsh realm? I wasn’t ready to do that by myself.
Defeat weighed heavy on my chest. I wasn’t ready to be alone.
“I’m only trying to help, Mother. Your quality of life would improve if you tried. You can’t just roll over and die.”
She shook her head. “Forever hopeful, just like your father. May the stars bless his soul.”
What an impossibly stubborn woman.
I finished eating the rest of my soup in silence until my belly felt warm and full, then laid on my side, waiting for Mother to finish hers so I could clear the dishes.
Her knobby fingers shook from the weight of the spoon, sending liquid splattering out of the bowl. I didn’t realize until then how much grayer her hair had become. There was still a slight auburn tint to it, but it was dull and coarse and nothing like the deep, rich color we once shared. I picked at the skin around my nails. It was hard watching her age—watching her illness eat her away. No one prepares you for that. She’d say it was inevitable and ‘proof of a well-lived life,’ but it was still gut-wrenching.
“Why don’t you ever talk about him? My father?” I asked after a while. It was a conversation I broached lightly. And one I never seemed to get answers from. Still, curiosity always got the best of me.
She smiled absently, her spoon clinking against the glass. “It was years ago, child. He was the most charming, handsome man I’d ever met.” My mother slurped her soup with a brightness to her eyes now. The memories served as a distraction from the task she disdained. “But we had a secret love affair—and the stars weren’t in our favor. It’s been for your own good to know as little as possible.”
Realization smacked me in the face, making my jaw go slack. “Mother, did you—you had an affair with a married man!?”
“What do you take me for?” She chuckled, placing her bowl on the nightstand. Her face glowed with sentiment as she shook her head. “A married man. No, your father and I were simply worlds apart. I knew it. He knew it. But I wouldn’t change a minute for anything in the stars. I’d relive that sorrow a hundred times over if it meant I could see him again.”
She curled into herself, draping a throw blanket around her shoulders to warm her thinned skin. My mother’s longing expression wasn’t one of sadness but of joy, and I couldn’t help but relish her nostalgia. A past I wish she could share with me.
“That must’ve been some epic love.”
My mother’s eyes twinkled as she stroked my face. “An epic love I can only hope you experience one day.”
I wrinkled my nose in response and collected our dishes. While it was something I longed for, after the day I had, love remained the furthest thing from my mind.
Two
The weeks following Lilian’s death slipped away like sand through fingers. A hazy blur of discomfort and a realm lacking color.
I found solace in the early mornings, when the dew had yet to settle, and the house was still asleep. Taking a sip of coffee, I savored the bold, rich aroma and settled into the chair by the bay window, draping a blanket over my legs.
There was nothing I loved more than witnessing the sun and moon’s forbidden kiss as he cast away her shadows and briefly warmed her heart. These moments were becoming fewer and farther in between, however, as Mother’s health was deteriorating faster than usual lately. I didn’t know what day of the week it was half the time, but I forced myself to get through the motions. Keep moving.
Thanking my lucky stars for Nurse Betrys, who came a few hours every day to relieve me of some of the stress. And with my mother’s stubborn attitude, I didn’t think I could manage it alone.
I enjoyed another hour of uninterrupted birdwatching before my mother’s deep, rattling cough echoed throughout the house. Her fit started earlier than usual, I noted, setting my now empty coffee mug on the glass table before padding into her room.
“I told you to leave your smelling salts on your bedside table. Are they there?” I pulled her curtains open, let the sun in, and stretched, my joints popping awake. “Hold them up to your?—”
