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Lara
“Ithought that you were going to showcase my design with my name?” I tried to hide the disappointment washing over me.
My boss Crystal just smiled and waved me off. “They are paying for my name. They don’t want a no-name on their clothes. You didn’t really think that I was going to do that, did you? I thought that you were saying it as a joke.”
I wanted to hit her, those wide, fake innocent eyes that were looking back at me. Crystal knew that I wasn’t joking. She had stopped me from getting into it. I was so frustrated at this point. Crystal had been working off the backs of her employees for a long time. I thought that I would be able to use her connections to get somewhere in Paris’ fashion world, but it was becoming clear that nothing I did was going to help. When I came to Paris after high school, I had a plan. It had been almost ten years since that arrival, and I was nowhere close to where I imagined I would be. I had a few designs out, but no one would ever know they were mine. I just wanted people to know they were my clothes, with my name on them. It wasn’t going to happen though by the looks of it.
“I am sure you know that I did not expect you to lie and do the exact opposite of what you said. Though, after how many years with you, I should have known not to expect much more from you. That was my bad.” I was so mad. She was slow and didn’t even realize what I’d said. It was all coming out in a burst, and I needed to let it run out. I needed to say what came next, because I think this was the last straw. Crystal putting her name on my design was the very last straw and my back was broke.
“You know what, Crystal. I think you are going to have to find someone else to copy. I can’t let you do it to me anymore. It just does something to my soul, and the pennies you pay me isn’t worth it.”
Crystal scoffed and then shrugged. “You weren’t that good anyway. Your head was always too big for your talent.”
I pressed my lips together and tried desperately to not say a word to her. She obviously didn’t know how hard it was going to be to do anything without someone there to copy off of. She had done it so long; I wondered if she knew that it was going to be a while before she found another me. I didn’t say anything else as I grabbed the few things at my desk that were mine. I didn’t like personal effects at the office and now I was glad for that. It made leaving easier.
Leaving was scary, but not because of why I thought. I had wanted to do this for so long and saying it, getting to say piss off to my boss, someone I had despised for years was liberating. I couldn’t stand her and though there was a part of me that was afraid of what came next, I knew that I wasn’t going to be battling it out in Paris any longer. I didn’t belong here, and I was ready to leave. It was liberating, not scary. I had to just keep reminding myself of that fact until I believed it.
There were a few people that I gave a quick wave, and we said something in passing about how we would stay in touch. Was I friends with these women, or was it all just circumstantial? I had too much to think about. The whole time I was relieved and rivalries in the situation, the other side of me was freaking out. I just quit my job, and I think also I knew that Paris was no longer going to be my home. That thought was the scariest of all. Was I ready to go back to Bogalusa, the epitome of small-town USA?
I had spent every moment until I graduated high school working odd jobs to make and save money. I wanted to leave my hometown and I wanted to travel. Paris was always the end destination, the fashion capital of the world. Could I really leave this place?
The wind was halfway through my sails by the time I got to the small flat that I rented in the city. I loved it here, well, sometimes. It was hard to say how I felt about this place honestly. I knew that there was something there that made me think that I would be better off back home. Quitting my job was the end of me trying to pretend like I was ever going to be a designer. I was just going to make people like Crystal a little bit wealthier and that didn’t sound like a good idea to me at all.
I looked around the small apartment and I sighed. This was really going to be it. I wasn’t ready to start packing just yet, so I called a few friends and invited them out for dinner. Little did they know, it was going to be our last dinner together. I wanted to say goodbye to not only my friends that had been here for me the whole time I was here, but also the city itself. It’s hard to say goodbye to a place that was once my dream. I thought that everything was going to come together here in Paris. I had spent years saving up the money to get to Paris and live. It was all to get me in the right school, which I had gone to and then stayed here until it paid off. That was the part that never happened. It never was worth it.
Going out was just what I needed and though I didn’t tell anyone goodbye with those words, I felt at peace when I walked back to my apartment at two in the morning. After doing some semi-drunk time zone math, I decided to call my sister and see what she thought about me coming home. I already knew what she was going to say, but I had to hear it out loud for some reason. I needed to know that I would be welcomed back, even though I’d been gone for years and hadn’t kept in touch like I should have.
After I had fleshed it all out to her, slurring and all, she told me what I wanted to hear. “Just come home, Lara. You can stay with me if you want, or you can stay at mom and dad’s. I think mom has been waiting for you to come back this whole time.”
I sighed inwardly and I thanked her. She didn’t know why, but I did. She had put my mind to rest and if she knew how badly I’d needed that, it wouldn’t have been any surprise I was genuinely thankful. So thankful.
When I got off the phone with Ashley, I started to pack. Living in a small flat had some real advantages and one of them was that I didn’t have very far to go in the way of getting ready to go. Everything fit in a couple of bags and since the flat was furnished and I was month to month, I could walk away easily.
I could have stayed. My rent was paid up for a couple more weeks, but there was just something about getting away that had to happen. I didn’t want to go look for another Crystal to work for, hoping that they would see my designs and make me someone. That wasn’t going to do me any good. I was done chasing the dream I’d come here for. It just wasn’t going to happen, and I was going to have to be okay with that. I didn’t know if I was just yet, but I was going to have to be.
In less than a few hours, I had a plane ticket home. I had a couple of layovers, and it was a long flight, but I was on my way home and though I didn’t know how I was going to take it, I knew that it didn’t matter. I would be home soon. Bogalusa was just where I needed to be, somewhere familiar and warm.
I was able to sleep much of the trip, finding myself exhausted living the lie that I had perpetrated the whole time. I didn’t know why there was something so wrong with the life I had been living. I had wanted something so bad, that I thought I deserved it. Maybe I didn’t. Maybe my designs weren’t as great as I thought.
This was what I told myself, but then something happened to make me question everything as I was getting off the plane. I saw one of my designs on another passenger. Now even though my name wasn’t on the tag, I knew that it was mine and I really liked the feeling of that.
I told myself that I could just as easily become a designer from the small town of Louisiana. I didn’t believe it, but my decision was made. I was back home. I couldn’t go back now.
I saw Ashton and I waved to him. My brother had answered instead of my sister when I called. They rented a house together to stay close to each other. The family had all been close at one time. I was the one that went away and ruined it all from what I was told. Truth was that I just wanted some space. It was hard growing up with Ashton and Ashley. The two twins were a couple years older than me and perfect. It was hard to focus when they were around. They were blonder, prettier, and somehow skinnier. My brown hair felt drab around them and though we were similar in DNA, it didn’t feel like it. Something that no one understood was that it was easy to leave, because I never felt like I belonged there.
Ashton gave me a big hug and told me that it was good to see me. I couldn’t believe that he was still so positive. His body exuded it, and I could feel my pessimistic irritation going into the extreme. I pushed him back and he let me go.
“Sorry, Sis, I haven’t seen you in forever.”
I agreed that it had been a while, but I wasn’t going to let him free on his man handling of me.
“Are you happy to be home?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I will get back to you on that.”
He chuckled. “Come on, you will like it. It’s been a while, but soon the gang will be all back together.”
