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I asked him what he was talking about, and he reminded me of one of his old friends that was always around when I was younger. “Nicholas is going to be back in town in a couple of days. I bet that the two of you have some catching up to do.”
I felt my face go red and I ignored my brother, going to the bags coming off the plane to grab mine. Ashton asked if I had more that needed to get, but I said there wasn’t. “Damn, I thought that a big designer would have more clothes.”
I scoffed and I wasn’t sure if I was sensitive because I wasn’t what he thought or what. I didn’t like that he thought that I was a big designer. I was nothing. I left Paris a complete nobody.
“I am running back home with my tail between my legs Ashton. I didn’t design much of anything and nothing has my name on it. I am here in defeat.”
Ashton chuckled and told me that I was going to be fine. He said it with so much conviction that I hoped that he was right. I knew that it was going to be difficult to deal with his positivity. Ashley was the same. She was always trying to find the silver lining, even if I just wanted to commiserate.
“Well, you are a designer, you just haven’t convinced others yet. I believe you are good though, Lara. I have always said that. I am not sorry you are home, but you weren’t defeated. You can’t look at it like that. You had the courage to try and that is more than most people can say.”
I smiled his way, and I have to say that he made me feel better. It didn’t last long, of course. I was far too much in my head to let that go long, but for a moment, he made me believe that maybe he was right and maybe this really could get better.
2
Nicholas
Iwaited for the doctor to get back into the room. I tried not to worry; I knew what he was going to say. I guess it was that small, sliver of hope that made me wonder if there was really nothing wrong with me. Why couldn’t it just all be a fluke? I wanted there to be a reason. I wanted to know what was wrong with me but feared that it would be more than I could handle. What if I couldn’t continue to do what I loved?
Dr. Spinelli came back in, and he was looking ahead at the file in his hands. There were several papers that hadn’t been put in yet and those papers felt like they were important.
“It’s not good news.”
I nodded my head. My hips and knees had been killing me for years. I knew that it wasn’t good, I just didn’t think that they would mind. Maybe if I hadn’t fallen behind and lost a suspect that we were chasing after, I wouldn’t have been here getting checked out. From the look on the old man’s face, I wasn’t going to like the answer. “Just give it to me straight, doc. I am the last person that you have to worry about having feelings. Uncle Sam got rid of any of that we had a long time ago.”
The older gentleman chuckled and pushed his glasses back up toward his eyes. The black spectacles had been hanging precariously on the edge of his nose. He was a guy that I’d seen several times since I started ten years before in the military. He had done my first check-up and it felt like there was going to be something circular about him doing the last one as well. He hadn’t said it yet, but I knew it was coming. It had to be. I came in fresh out of high school and the military broke me, literally.
“I think that it is time for you to find something else to do, Nicholas. Civilian life can be a lot better, less rules.”
I sighed outwardly, and I was relieved to finally hear what I already knew. I was going to be honorably discharged because of all the damage that my body had sustained. It was too much for it and considering that I hurt most days, there was a part of me that knew it was for the best.
“What am I going to do?” I asked him, not sure why it came out, just that it did. I couldn’t believe that there were all these years in my life to worry about now. I thought that I would fully retire in twenty years. It was the dream, and now I had to find another one. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, and civilian life didn’t sound all that great either.
“You will figure it out, Nicholas, don’t worry about it.”
I agreed and said that it would be fine. The doctor looked at me with pity and I didn’t like the look of that at all. I didn’t want him to pity me. I was unhappy, and there was nothing that was going to give me the same thrill that I felt when I was serving my country. It hurt though. Serving my country was painful and I had paid a price for it. Now, could I really go to the sidelines and pretend that it wasn’t my whole life? I worried about what would be left.
I left the doctor’s office on base and went to go see a few friends. It was strange to think that I wouldn’t live here anymore. I didn’t have to leave Killian, but I had to get out of the housing. Another soldier would use my home, and I was once again on my own.
The first person that popped in mind was going to be my best friend, Ashton. He had tried to talk me into coming back for years, but I had always refused. I told him that I liked my life as a soldier and that had been the truth. What wasn’t the truth though, was the fact that it was as glamourous as he thought it was. Now, it wasn’t glamorous at all with a broken body to show for it. What was I supposed to do now? I still didn’t have an answer.
Calling Ashton when I got back from going out, I told him that I was going the civilian route and he seemed excited. I told him that I would be that way in a few days or a week, and he said that there was a spare bedroom that I could stay in. I was glad to hear that because I didn’t have a backup plan. Ashton had always been my backup plan, even though I hadn’t talked to him in years beyond a few phone calls. It was a bond that I couldn’t explain, but I knew that he always had my back, and I his.
“My sister will be back by then, so this should be fun.”
I was confused for a moment. I had visited a few times and I got along with Ashley just fine. “Ashley doesn’t like me or something, does she?” I wanted to know.
Ashton disagreed. “No, but it’s not Ashley I am talking about. It’s Lara.”
“Oh.” I didn’t have a smart retort for that. “She is back in Bogalusa?” Why hadn’t I heard about that?
He agreed and told me that she would be there before I was. “It’s fate or something, man. You guys haven’t seen each other in a grip, have you?”
I sighed and didn’t comment any further. I was on my way home, and it was a lot to process. Lara being there too after all these years was even harder. What was she like? Would she still be mad at me? Was I still mad at her? I still missed her and thought about her all the time…
Bogalusa was just like I remembered. I didn’t know what I thought was going to change. It hadn’t changed in all the eighteen years that I’d lived there. I wanted nothing more than to come back to something that showed me that time had in fact passed, but there was nothing. Everything was the same and I looked around as I made my way to Ashton’s house, wondering what in the world I was going to do here. I had split as soon as I could get myself in the military. They wanted a high school diploma, so the next day I left.
As I pulled into the address that Ashton had given me, I took a deep breath and felt the heat stick to my clothes as I turned the car off. It was quickly taking over my skin, covering it in a sheen. I didn’t miss that part of the southern Louisiana city, the humidity and the heat. It was oppressive, but it wasn’t like I was going to stop anything. This is where I was living now. What the hell was I doing back here?
