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He watches me as I pace, his mouth folding into a thin line. “I can get on a plane, Zoe. There are no current warrants for my arrest, just a bunch of shit that nobody can prove I did.”
I toss my hands up in the air before sinking back down on the bed. “Don’t you think that’s part of the fucking problem? What if someone finds out about the things that you’ve done? Then my husband gets locked away, and I have to figure out where to go from there. I have to visit you behind bars because we both know that if you go in, you’re never coming out. Not with the things that you’ve done.”
The corner of his mouth turns up in a smirk. “You would come visit me in prison?”
“Hell, Christian, stop being amused by this. I’m trying to talk to you about all the things that have been going through my head, and you’re acting like an ass. I need you here with me to actually talk about what’s going on. I don’t need the person you have to pretend to be for the cartel.”
“And how do you know who I really am?” He scoffs and leans back in his chair. “You keep talking about the two sides of me as if they’re that easy to differentiate. You don’t know the things that I’ve had to do to survive.”
He runs his hand through his hair and shakes his head. “It’s a tough world, Zoe, and you have to decide whether you can deal with it or not. There is no government money to protect you anymore. What you give into the cartel, you get back. I’m a monster, Zoe, because that’s what the cartel needs. There is no changing that, even if you think you can.”
“I don’t want to change you. I just want to figure out how I’m supposed to continue on with both sides of you.”
Christian crosses his arms, the movement of his muscles making his tattoos pop. “That’s on you to figure out, Zoe. I don’t hide things from you. Not about my life. I don’t know what you think I can do to make this easier for you.”
“And yet, you call yourself a monster.”
“I know what I am. You know what I am. I don’t see a point in hiding that from you.”
I sigh and run my hand through my hair. “I don’t think you’re a monster. Not anymore. The more I think about it, the more I think that you’re just trying to make everyone think you’re a monster. You’re not a bad man, even if you aren’t about to win an award for sainthood.”
The corner of his mouth twitches. “Then why do we keep going around in circles like this?”
My chest constricts, the answer on the tip of my tongue.
Taking time to think has made things clear for me.
I might not be at peace with both sides of Christian yet, but I know what I want. “I need to know that you’re worth it.”
“If you don’t have that figured out yet, then that’s your fucking problem.” He stands up and puts the chair back before heading for the door. “I’m not going to keep playing these games while you try to figure out what the fuck you want, Zoe. You know what you need to do. If you want me outside of that, figure it the fuck out.”
“I worded that wrong.” I hug myself, my cheeks flaming as the lump in my throat threatens to choke me. “I know you’re worth the relationship. What I don’t know is worth it is the heartache I’m going to go through when this blows up my face.”
“Why do you think that this is going to blow up?” His tone is sharp as he walks back across the room and looms over me. “Why is it that your only constant thought about this marriage is that it’s going to fail?”
“We want different things out of life. We have very different lifestyles. I don’t know if I can be the person you think I need to be to fit into the cartel.”
He sighs and stretches, locking his hands behind his head.
I pick at the loose thread in the duvet again, needing something to do with the nervous energy rolling through my body.
“We’ll figure out a way to make this work,” he says, his voice softer than before. “You’re going to be able to be a musician without having to worry about how the cartel is going to affect your career.”
“You can’t be sure that we can figure it out.” I drop the thread and look up at him. “Would you ever consider walking away from the cartel? I know that Camila is the heir. You can’t tell me that this is what you want to do with the rest of your life.”
Christian glares at me, and I know I’ve overstepped.
Guilt claws at me.
I’ve done the same thing to him that everybody has done to me my entire life. I told him that he should walk away from his job because it doesn’t fit into the plan I have for life.
The hypocrisy isn’t lost on me as Christian drops his hands and crosses his arms.
He stands in the middle of the room, taking up more space than any person should.
It feels like the room is getting smaller and the air is getting hotter.
“You really just said that to me? After everything that I’ve been told your family put you through over a job? Do I want to spend the rest of my life doing this shit? No. I hate the things I have to do, but you would know that if you had asked. I will not be stepping away from the cartel when Camila is not ready to take over. That is a burden that I would never place on her.”
