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With a sigh, Stevie crossed the room and flopped down on the empty side of Hope’s bed. ‘Ow, what’s that?’ She shifted almost immediately and retrieved Hope’s phone, holding it out with a rueful grin.
Hope took the phone and set it on the bedside cabinet together with her Kindle and then settled down on her pillows so she and her mother were facing each other. ‘The last thing I want is to upset you, Mum, but I can’t stay cooped up here forever.’
Reaching out, her mother tucked a strand of Hope’s hair out of the way, turning the gesture into a caress of her cheek. ‘I know, my darling, and I’m the one who should be apologising because you are the one who’s been upset, and I’ve been a terrible coward about everything for far too long.’
Taking a deep breath, Hope asked the most pressing question on her mind. ‘Are all these secrets you and the others have been keeping something to do with my father?’
Her mother nodded, then rolled on her back to stare at the ceiling. ‘Turn the light out, will you? Some things are easier to share in the dark.’
With trepidation causing her stomach to clench, Hope turned out her lamp then settled back on her side, tucking her hands under her cheek. ‘I’m here, Mum, you can tell me anything.’
The room was quiet for a long time apart from the restless shuffle of her mother moving against the sheets, as though she was trying and failing to get comfortable. Hope schooled herself to keep silent, giving her mother time to settle.
‘Of the four of us, I was the one most like Daddy. I was the one who wanted to be outside all the time, building dens, climbing trees, getting the others into trouble in the process. Your grandparents didn’t believe in discipline, they claimed it was all about letting us express ourselves, but I don’t think they could be bothered, so we ran wild at first. All that changed when they packed us off to boarding school because they wanted to go travelling. It wasn’t so bad for the boys, as they all went to the same place, but I was completely alone for weeks at a time. My grandfather would sign exeat slips for Ziggy to come home at the weekends, but the rest of us had to stay in school until the holidays. I didn’t understand why at the time, I just remember hating Ziggy because he got to come home while I was cooped up in that horrible place.’
‘Oh, Mum.’ Fumbling in the dark, Hope reached out and grasped her mother’s hand.
A soft chuckle was followed by a reassuring squeeze of her fingers. ‘It wasn’t that bad. The teachers were nice enough and the house matron couldn’t be kinder to me if she tried. It wasn’t even that I wanted to be back here, I just hated seeing the other girls go off with their parents for weekends and day trips. I used to sit at the window for hours, hoping to see that bloody rainbow-striped VW van bumping along the drive.’ She went quiet again. ‘Of course, it never appeared. I always wonder why my parents had so many children when they didn’t seem to be interested in us. They didn’t neglect us. We were well looked after in a physical sense. But they’ve always been so desperately in love with each other, it’s like they just don’t have enough room in their lives for their children.’
‘No wonder you were horrified when I said I wanted to go to boarding school!’ Hope said with a sigh, thinking back to how exciting she’d thought it would be.
‘I blame those Malory Towers books you devoured when you were little,’ her mother said with another little laugh. ‘That and the fact I was probably suffocating you even back then.’
Hope sorted through the jumble of her emotions and tried to find the right words. ‘I can’t blame you for wanting to make me feel secure after the way you were treated.’
‘I suppose that was part of it, but that was never the real reason.’ Stevie fell silent again.
Hope gritted her teeth. Come on, come on. You owe me the truth.
Just when she was ready to climb the walls, her mother spoke. ‘I was terrified that if I let you out of my sight, your father would somehow find out about you and snatch you away.’
‘Snatch me away? What on earth do you mean?’ Hope sat up, reached for the light and then stopped herself. This was more than her mother had ever shared with her before. If she changed the atmosphere, then Stevie might clam up again. She forced herself to settle back down. ‘Tell me, please. Help me to understand.’
‘If I’m going to explain properly, I need to tell you it all.’ The bed dipped as her mother shifted once more. ‘I thought everything would be different when I finished school and came home, but I was just as lonely. Ziggy and Zap were off at university and Dylan was still away studying for his exams. No one was interested in me here and I had nothing to do. When I asked my mother for advice, she laughed and told me I had the whole world at my feet and I should go out and see it for myself. I took her at her word and packed a bag that night and caught a train to London the next morning. I found a cheap hotel and did all the tourist things first and then started going around the galleries and museums. I met a group of people my own age at the National Portrait Gallery and found out they were studying at the art school at St Martin’s. They seemed so cool and glamorous, and I felt like a total country bumpkin. We ended up in a pub over the road from the gallery and I drank far too much cheap wine. I was very grateful when one of the lads in the group offered to see me safely back to my hotel.’
There was a crack in her mother’s voice and Hope gripped her hand tight. ‘You don’t have to tell me, Mum,’ she whispered, not knowing if she could bear to hear the next bit.
Her mother returned the pressure. ‘Yes, well, I’m sure you’ve worked out what happened next. I woke up the next morning with a terrible pain in my head and a crumpled receipt on my pillow with a phone number scribbled on it, so I suppose he thought the evening was better than I did. I stared at that number for ages, feeling more and more disgusted with myself because I couldn’t even remember his name. Eventually, I scrunched it up and threw it in the bin and ran for the bathroom to be sick.
‘Afterwards, I scrubbed myself in the shower until my skin turned red, but it didn’t help. I just had to get out of that room. I didn’t know where I was going, only outside where I could breathe. I walked for hours and even when it started to rain, I couldn’t make myself head back. I thought I’d sit on the tube for a while where at least I’d be dry, but I got halfway down the stairs and then I remembered the night before when I’d been lolling all over the place while that lad held me up. I stopped dead and someone behind banged into me, almost knocking me down the stairs. I remember staring up into a pair of dark eyes under even darker brows that were drawn down into a deep scowl. He told me off for acting so foolishly, even as he steadied me on my feet. When he let go, my legs wouldn’t hold me up and then I was crying.’
Hope felt wetness on her own cheeks. ‘Oh, Mum,’ she whispered.
Her mother made a half-laugh, half-sob. ‘I don’t know who was more embarrassed at the time, your father or me. He marched me up the stairs and into a nearby McDonald’s where he bought me the most disgusting cup of coffee I’ve ever had in my life. It was hot, though, and I was so cold inside that I drank every drop while he just sat there quietly. It was only when I’d finished that he asked me what he could do to help me and the whole tale spilled out. When I told him I couldn’t face going back into that hotel room, he walked me back through the rain and made me wait in the lobby while he went upstairs and packed my things for me. I was in such a daze, I didn’t realise until afterwards that he’d settled my room bill as well.
‘He recommended another hotel which he used for clients and got me a preferential rate on his account. It was much nicer than where I’d been staying and although he wouldn’t accept money for the bill he’d paid off, he didn’t argue when I said I wanted to check in for myself. I only planned to be there for a couple of nights, just to get my head on straight and then I’d decided I was going to go home. He called me the next day and asked to take me out for lunch, and then for dinner and then…’
‘You didn’t come home,’ Hope said, filling in the gaps.
‘No. He was a bit older than me – more than a bit, but he was so calm and capable and honestly it was just so nice to have someone looking after me. Six weeks later, we were married at the register office.’
‘You married him?’ Hope couldn’t stifle a gasp. She’d always assumed she’d been the result of a fling gone wrong, but this was something completely different. Her parents had been married, and yet Hope didn’t even know her father’s name…
‘Your uncles were furious when I told them, but my parents just laughed and said it was like history repeating itself because they’d fallen in love almost at first sight.’ Her mother’s laugh was bitter. ‘It wouldn’t have mattered if they had protested because I was convinced I’d met the perfect man. It didn’t take long before the honeymoon was over. What had started out feeling like I was being taken care of morphed into something much darker and controlling. Your father was a successful businessman and we had to go to lots of dinners. I wanted to look my best for him and tried so hard to entertain his clients and colleagues. At first, he thought it was sweet when I asked him to brief me beforehand so I knew what to talk about, but then we’d be in the taxi on the way home and he’d start grilling me about what had been said, why’d I’d been laughing, or telling me off for spending too long speaking to one person. It was always the men he quizzed me about.
‘I couldn’t understand it because he was the only man I was interested in, and I was only doing it to try and help him in his career. When I tried to explain that, he laughed in my face. He told me I was an embarrassment, a hindrance rather than of any use, so then of course I didn’t want to go out any more because I believed it must be true. So I stayed at home and did everything I could to keep him happy that way, but somehow that was all wrong as well. He was so cruel, and it wasn’t just words. I…’
Her mother gulped loudly then let out a final rush of words. ‘I lost a baby when he pushed me down the stairs, so when I found out I was pregnant again, I knew I had to get away and keep you safe from him.’ The rest of her words were lost under a series of convulsive gasps.
