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I shook my head. “I was supposed to have a child, but my lover ran away.”
She stares at me in shock, her lips parting and closing before she speaks. “What have you done?”
Her words are just like Alessia’s, stabbing me in the gut.
“I know what you used to do to Alessia, your sister. I always prayed you’d never have a daughter; she’d face the same treatment, and the poor girl wouldn’t know what she’d done wrong to deserve it.”
Her words dry the tears in my eyes as I look at her in shock.
So, I am as bad as they say, possibly worse.
I make my decision right there, knowing it’s my only hope for a chance to change.
21
Kelly
Two months later…
“So… how are you doing? How are you coping with things?” Jenna asks, her voice soft and warm through the phone.
“I’m fine,” I say, smiling as I rub my growing belly. “Therapy has been going well. It’s been helping quite a lot.
I adjust my flowy dress over my body. My pregnancy is beginning to show. It’s been so exciting to watch the changes that have been taking place so far. I’m excited about what’s coming.
Two months have passed since I moved back to Paris to escape Enzo. It’d been difficult at first. I was constantly looking over my shoulder in fear he would turn up one day and try to drag me back when he realized I still carried his child.
He never did, though. Alessia said he was broken after everything had happened and finally started going to therapy. My body has gone through changes, first slowly, but it was happening faster. It’s been stressful having to handle everything all by myself. I understand why pregnant women need support because doing it myself has been a lot.
Some days, I sit and cry my eyes out as the stress and the hormones rage through me. But no matter how very terrible I feel, I remind myself it’s better than having to stay with a toxic partner.
“I’ll be honest, guys. Being alone has been so much harder because I’d grown so accustomed to distractions. The only times I’ve ever been alone were because I had to be on the move for one reason or the other, and it was never for long. Now, everything is just so different."
"I have no distractions whatsoever, and I’m not moving anywhere. It’s like my fear of staying grounded in one spot is being actualized, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, even though I can see it coming. ”
“Oh baby, how are you managing it?” Louisa asks with concern.
“I’m getting used to it. It’s the only thing I can do right now. Some days, it’s not so bad. I’m able to stay back home without feeling bored.” I look down at my stomach and sigh.
“Even if I did go in search of something to do, it would have been difficult, anyway.”
“You’re doing a good job, honey. We know how difficult it is for you. I only wish we could be of help,” Alyssia says, sighing.
“Thank you. I spoke with my therapist about it. She thinks it’d be best if I tried to find a hobby. Something fascinates me and will keep me occupied, so I won’t have to think about it.”
I’d considered the idea of a hobby immediately after moving back to Paris, although none of the things I was interested in seemed to be safe enough, and others did not appeal to me. Things would’ve been so much easier if I still had the men in my life. I’ve never had to stay this long without a man, considering I usually had so many ready to be with me when I called. Now, things were different.
My former lovers continue to check up on me; however, even it isn’t enough. We’d always established boundaries in our relationships, which meant they didn’t check up on me enough to fill the void a present partner would. We were now more like friends as opposed to lovers, which meant they could no longer provide the distractions they often used to.
None of them ever bring up the idea of getting back together or meeting up, even for a chat; ’s made it easy for me to be reminded just how truly lonely I am.
“Do you wish you still had your lovers?” Rachel asks, her eyes boring in mine through the screen.
I get up from the sofa and walk to the bedroom. I gently lie on the bed. It took so much time to get used to being back after my stay in New York. I set the laptop down and lie on my side, adjusting my dress over my belly.
I think about the question. “I can’t say I haven’t thought about it in my moments of weakness, but things are different now. Our relationship has been altered, and there’s no way to get back to it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fully return to how things were with them, or anyone else for that matter.”
Miles has been the friendliest of all the guys. He checks up on me the most, always wanting to know if I’m okay. I smile as I think about our last conversation and how excited he was when he told me about his girlfriend and how serious they were. I was genuinely happy for him. I still am, but as I think about it now, a sense of loss hits me. He’s always been an amazing guy, and it was great to have him for the time I did.
