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“There’s nothing to apologize for. I’m sorry for trauma dumping on you,” I say instead.
She shakes her head. “No, the only one who should be apologizing is the person responsible for the pain you’ve carried all these years. Whoever it was broke in your home and did to your mother was sick and made my blood boil.”
The handkerchief in her hand scrunches up as it tightens in fists. “Your mom did what she was supposed to do. She protected her child. You and your dad couldn’t have done anything to stop it. He wasn’t there, and you were just a kid. It wasn’t your place to have to bear the burden of fighting an adult to protect your mom.”
Her eyes hold fire making it clear to me she believes exactly what she says. Her words are the same ones my therapist had told me, yet hearing them from her feels so much better.
Why didn’t I tell you sooner?
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. We could’ve worked through all this together,” she cries, dabbing at her eyes to stop the flow of tears.
Her words fill my heart with warmth. She’s done so much for me in the few minutes since I told her the truth.
“It’s not your fault, Kelly. You could have done anything. Before you left, I wasn’t ready to work through it with you, which was why no matter how hard you tried to find out what was wrong, I always shut down.”
I look away from her for a moment as I think about what I’m about to say. There’s a possibility she could shut me down and yet, it’s a risk I’m willing to take.
“All through this time, fixing myself, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you because I love you,” I laugh at the absurdity of it as I try thinking back on our previous relationship. “I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this before since I was so caught by irrelevant things, but I do love you. I had thought what I was feeling was a toxic need to control you, but that’s not it. I love you truly.”
Her breath catches, and she looks at me with electric blue eyes sending a jolt through my nervous system. “Before I can respond to it, I’d also like to apologize.”
I hadn’t been expecting this.
“I told you from the very beginning, I didn’t want a relationship. The truth is, I wasn’t truly polyamorous. I just had commitment issues. I’ve already talked to the other guys and apologized for stringing them along and being a bad girlfriend who couldn’t give them any certainty in their relationship… and for forcing them to take only what I could offer without another option. It was cruel on my part. You deserve an apology too because the way I loved you was not apparent, as though I could love many people at the same time. The reason I could keep many boyfriends was because I didn’t love them."
"When I fell in love with you, I stopped seeing them. Before I even got the test, I already knew Camillo was yours because I hadn’t been with them since I was with you. ”
I’m in shock. All the time, I’d gone ballistic, thinking I hadn’t been able to make her love me so she could get rid of the others when she already loved me.
Maybe if I wasn’t such an ass and so controlling, she might have eventually given them up on her own.
“I had to go through therapy as well,” she confesses, smiling wryly. “My parents used to be such a fun and lively couple, after 2008 hit, they lost almost everything, their investment properties went into foreclosure, and business suffered as the Global Financial Crisis deepened, even after they nursed business back to health growth, their marriage strained, they almost didn't make it. So, I rebelled against the norm of a relationship and marriage because I was afraid to be like them. "
"The old selfish me, if I found out I was pregnant, I might have thought about not keeping the baby. But honestly, whether it was early enough to think about that or not, I knew I'd keep Camillo. I just couldn't imagine not having him. Making that choice showed me I'm ready to settle down and start a real family."
I nod, relieved by her words. I had felt guilty I had forced her to get pregnant and keep the baby, only for her to lose it.
“So, Camillo changed you,” I whisper.
"She gives a soft smile, shaking her head. "No, it wasn't just about Camillo. It was about us. I realized I was ready to build a life with you, and that's why I wanted to keep Camillo. But he's just a baby, and I couldn't bear the thought of raising him in that environment. That's why I couldn't stay. Even realizing I was ready for a family, I knew we'd end up hurting Camillo. And if I was going to be a mom, I had to do it right. I couldn't just pass on trauma instead of love. So, I had to make that tough call."
She starts to reach for my hand but then pulls back, hesitating. "You know, it wasn't all on you, all the bad stuff that happened. I had my part in it too, and I'm trying to own that. And I couldn't get you out of my head. I was really in love with you and had been for a long time. But things were just... off, and it wasn't the right time to say anything. I kept feeling like there was this hole in Camillo's life, in mine too. I kept hoping, maybe foolishly, that one day you'd come back and we could be the family we were supposed to be."
My heart blooms with joy at her words. I’m unable to stop the grin. “I’d like to spend more time with you if that’s okay.”
She returns my smile. “Yes, I would like that.”
As the night unfolds, we indulge in delectable dishes and engage in effortless banter. As our date winds down, we find ourselves in the parking lot, stepping into a world bathed in moonlight.
"Guess we should've checked the weather," I murmur, just as the first drops of rainfall. I glance upwards, the clouds gathering ominously, and instinctively, I reach out, sheltering her head with my hand, trying to shield her from the sudden downpour.
When I lower my gaze, I find her looking up at me, raindrops dancing on her lashes. There's a beauty about her that's both familiar and utterly new. I can't resist the magnetic pull drawing me closer to her. Time has touched us, but her essence remains unchanged. Yet, it's in her eyes that I see the transformation—a serenity and fulfillment that were once missing. It's in this moment, under the veil of rain, that I realize I yearn to be part of this newfound peace that surrounds her.
“May I kiss you?” I ask, overwhelmed by her sudden closeness and the fact we’re together again after being apart for so long.
“Yes please,” she leaned in me, her eyes glowing.
They are close now as I lean in to press my lips to hers. A soft moan escapes her lips as I part them with mine. It is a feeling I fully understand. Kissing her is like a breath of fresh air like I’m finally able to come up for air and breathe again after holding my breath in the deep sea.
