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“Dad became obsessed with making sure Alessia would be forever protected. He couldn’t bear to see any harm come to her. It would’ve killed him. He always told me how a man should protect the women in his life.
Unfortunately, in trying to protect Alessia, we ended up hurting her. At first, it was simply to protect her from dying, like mom had, but then it extended to things like protecting her from the men we thought would hurt her even in romantic relationships.”
I frowned. Alessia had told us about how the men in her life continuously disappeared, avoiding her even after professing their love. She had begun to feel unwanted before she realized it was her brother and father who were responsible for her terrible romantic life.
It had been so easy to dislike Enzo for it, but now, knowing the reason behind it — as I watch his face steeped in deep emotional turmoil — I suddenly understand why he acts the way he does. He was just a child who had been hurt and didn’t know how to process hurt. In turn, he ended up hurting others.
“From protecting my sister, it ended up wanting to protect my girlfriend, telling her what she could and couldn’t do, the things she could wear, and when she should go out. Soon, I began controlling every aspect of the lives of the women I dated, without even realizing what I was doing. I had become a monster without recognizing I was one.”
28
Enzo
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do since I started therapy was coming to terms with the feelings inside of me, ever since I found out I was a father. I had taken the time to get over the feelings of betrayal or, at the very least, work around it.
It had been extremely difficult to deal with the pain of being lied to. Missing out on my child’s life wasn’t something I ever thought would ever happen to me. I had planned to be there in every stage of his life, making sure I protected him from any harm.
In the week I spent away from Kelly, I had run the risk of spiraling and losing the progress I had made so far if it hadn’t been for the perfect little boy who clung to Kelly for life. He regarded me with suspicion and her with love.
Spiraling was out of the question. She had kept him away from me because she thought I couldn’t be trusted around him, and understandably so. The last thing I want is for her to have a reason to believe she needs to continue doing so. I hadn’t even held him in my arms yet. It would be terrible if I let him get snatched from me again. I called my therapist immediately after I had returned home and quickly scheduled a meeting for the next day when she could fit me in.
Considering I told her about my visit to Kelly, she knew exactly why I needed to see her and hadn’t asked any questions. The look of shock on her face as I told her about the son I never knew I had told me everything even before she spoke. Kelly had messed up. I had come to accept my high level of toxicity toward her; however, lying about having a miscarriage just so she could get away from me was high on the toxicity scale.
Dr, Wilburn’s words echo in my head.
“Your feelings about it are valid, Mr. Lombardi,” Dr. Wilburn says. “It’s okay for you to be sad and angry at her for hiding something like this from you. He’s your son, and she knew you wanted to be a part of his life.”
I nod. “Thank you. I did not know if I was overreacting by feeling the way I did when I found out I had a son. Instead, I tried to focus on the positive, like the fact I hadn’t lost him after all."
Dr. Wilburn offers a small smile. “That's a very positive way to look at it. However, I need you to address the negative emotions you feel so they don’t pile up and become something bigger that might ruin what you’re trying to build."
"While it was a huge deal for her to lie to you, what exactly led her to? From all you’ve told me about yourself, I’m sure you know a woman would do anything to protect her child if she thinks the person in her life may have a negative influence."
She levels me with a look that always makes me want to be honest, with myself and with her. “Do you think you would have been a good father if she hadn’t done what she did, and you were a part of his life from the very beginning?"
"If Camillo had been a girl, wouldn't you have treated him the same way you did your sister? And what would you have taught her?"
Dr. Wilburn is correct. Kelly was right to take Camillo away from me. She was right to want what was best for our child; and although she had not known it at the time, her action had turned out to be the catalyst I needed to work on myself.
“I understand what you mean.”
“Good,” Dr. Wilburn says. “Does it change the way you feel about Kelly and wanting the relationship?”
Without missing a beat, I respond. “No, it doesn’t. If anything, it makes me want to make sure things will work.”
“I believe you know what to do, then.”
Talking about Mom was something I never wanted to do, but Dr. Wilburn's got a point. If it's what needs to happen so things can finally start going right, then I guess I've got to do it. Starting fresh without any lies or secrets has got to be better than the mess we've been dealing with all this time.
*********
The situation with Mom hurts. I don’t like talking about it, but it’s easier than the first time I had to speak about it with my therapist. Alessia still didn’t know what all happened because I couldn’t bring myself to say the words; however, it felt liberating to tell Kelly. She reaches across the table and settles her hand on mine, and I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I’m relieved one thing that held back our relationship in the past is finally out of the way, and we can now move on and make progress. Her hand on mine lifts, and I look up at her. Her face holds a horrified expression. I can see the pain for a younger me.
“It wasn’t your fault, Enzo,” she croaks, unable to hold back her tears. I retrieve a handkerchief and hand it over to her to wipe her tears.
‘I’m sorry,” she apologizes.
