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I smirked, “Keep it up, and I’ll start calling you Sexy Spence again to refresh your memories on our first night of fucking and answering cell phones.”
He rolled his eyes. “Well, I find it very nice to hear you refer to us as being in a relationship instead of the days when something like that was furthest from my mind.”
“That’s not the first time I’ve acknowledged we were more than a fake couple, married or not. You’ve heard me say our relationship was real to Shane—”
“But that was an explanation for Shane’s benefit,” he said, reaching forward and setting his hand on the curve of my waist again. “This is purely between us, which makes it even better, and more official. Unless we’re broken up?”
“We’re only broken up if you understandably don’t want me back in your life in that manner.”
“If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be in my bed, gorgeous,” he teased. “Okay, go on. I keep interrupting you.”
“Yes, you do,” I responded. “If this takes me two hours to spit out, I’m prepared to blame it on you.”
“I’ll take that blame,” he said, grinning at me. Then, leaning forward, he pressed a kiss to my collarbone. The moment his full lips touched the smooth skin of my neck, it took all my concentration not to let my eyes roll up into the back of my skull.
“How do you expect me to focus if you keep doing that?”
“Mmm.” The moan turned into a veritable grunt of defeat, and his forehead slumped against my shoulder. “Here, let’s do this.”
He sat up, pulling me up with him and sitting with his legs crossed in front of him so we could look directly at each other. He wove the fingers of our hands together so they lay on our knees, which touched as we sat in front of each other, finally disconnected enough that I could think through what to say to him.
“Anyway,” I said to him sharply, but it was quickly tempered by a smile and my laughing tone, not to mention how I brought our hands up as I held them palm-to-palm. “When we landed in LA, all I could think about was how I needed to get Shane in a safe place, and when I looked at you, all I saw was a distraction.”
I felt like shit, not just for saying that out loud, but for saying it to Spencer, of all people.
I could see the words forming on his tongue, knowing he was itching to interrupt, but he bit the inside of his cheek, looking annoyed at my words. Still, he held back and gestured for me to go on.
I brought his hand to my lips, letting my mouth linger over the strong knuckles in a grateful kiss. “Thank you for letting me get this out.” When I looked back at him, annoyance faded from his face, and a hint of sadness replaced it. He nodded at me to continue.
“Shane’s reaction was pretty much what I expected it to be. He was furious that I told him he needed to stay with me and I would have all his stuff sent to my place so he wouldn’t miss any work.”
“And he didn’t appreciate you going out of your way for him?” Spencer asked with a frown and a warranted look of disgust.
“No. He said if I did that, he’d take off, and then I wouldn’t be able to control what he did. His parting words were that I’d have to get over my controlling ways if I wanted to keep you around because no man wants to be with a controlling, meddling witch.” I shook my head at the memory of my brother’s words, trying to get over the pain that had lingered in my chest ever since I heard them. “When he said that, it took everything I had not to fall apart in front of him. It got messy for a good minute, and I had to get fully angry at him to avoid an outright panic attack. It was—” I bit my lip hard before looking at Spencer with a watery smile. “Well, it’s just a good thing you weren’t there because I think you would’ve likely kicked his ass after the fight we had, and that would’ve served no one.”
“No,” Spencer said, pulling his hand into his lap and running his thumb up and down my wrist. “I don’t think that that would’ve served anyone. All around, it would’ve been a shitty situation.”
I could see the lines hardening on his face, an obvious sign of his anger that I’d gotten to know well in Italy due to his mother’s issues.
“One of the reasons I’ve been shutting you out for the last few weeks is that I—” I swallowed hard, thinking about how to phrase my words. “I don’t know what you want from me. You said you love me, and I believe you, but I don’t know how to meet the expectations you have of me. It’s so hard for me to understand how to be true to myself while in service to another person.”
“Nat.”
I stopped at the force in Spencer’s voice, looking up into his eyes and surprised by the depth of feeling I saw. There was a wealth of warmth and pain that I knew was on my behalf as well as his.
“Nat, I never wanted or expected you to be in service to me. I know why you might think that; I mean, what else would you expect, given everything your father said and did to you after your mom passed away? But being in a relationship with me has never been about that.”
I swallowed, doing my best to maintain contact with his steady brown eyes. “Then what is it about for you?”
I felt foolish, trying to figure out what a real relationship was for the first time in my life. I didn’t like feeling ignorant, but that’s the best word for what was happening inside.
“I want to be with you for who and what you are. I know you have the shit you deal with and the stuff you’ve carried every day since you were a kid. I’m not asking you to put aside any of your pain or burdens. That’s not what this is. I’m asking you to share them with me the way that I was able to share mine when I took you to Stephen’s wedding. You were there for me every moment I needed you; it was more than I could’ve wished for. Watching you go head-to-head with my mother and take on her shit was one of the things that made me fall in love with you in the first place.”
I felt a lump swell in my throat as his words began to register.
“When I said I love you, I didn’t mean that I would force you to tell me everything. It’s not about that. It’s not about me imposing my will onto you, making you do anything you don’t want to do,” Spencer said with a sympathetic look. “It’s about you, feeling safe enough to tell me things, and for you to be able to share the dirty details of life without being afraid that I’ll run away. I want you to trust that I’m strong enough to carry those things with you, if not entirely for you, baby.”
My eyes watered, and I reached up to wipe the dampness away so none of it would betray me and my stupid, softening heart.
