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“Fine. Text me in an hour, and if it’s not any better, I’m getting in the car.”
My relief at hearing that she’s not speeding away is tempered by the tortured look on her face when she hangs up. She looks…defeated. And that’s not something I ever thought I’d see in Ruby. She doesn’t get defeated. She fights.
As soon as she hangs up, she starts scrolling through her phone. “Oh my god, she called me four times last night, and I didn’t hear the phone.”
I remember her phone buzzing a few times while I was going down on her, and there was no way she was answering.
I can’t let her feel guilty about it without offering my support, so I reach for her, gently putting my hand on her bare shoulder to remind her I’m here and see if she’ll let me in. She responds by folding her entire body into my chest, and I’m relieved.
It’s not rational, but I feel like if I can hold her like this, she’ll realize everything is okay.
“What happened?”
She turns so I can see her face. Her eyes are dry, but bloodshot. She needs sleep.
Arms still encircling her body, I tilt her to the side to lay her on the bed. She doesn’t fight me, and without loosening my hold on her, I face her. If she drifts off to sleep like Fiona does every night while protesting her exhaustion, I’ll consider it a victory.
She stares into my eyes, blinking against fatigue but unwilling to yield to it. I admire her toughness, even when it means I can’t do anything for her.
“Talk to me, sweetheart.”
“She was feeling pain, and she had a little bleeding, so her boyfriend took her to the doctor yesterday.” The words sound choked.
“And? What happened?”
Ruby shakes her head. “She’s going to be fine. The doctor said it was smart that she came in and did some scans to make sure everything’s okay. She doesn’t need surgery.”
“That’s a good thing.”
Ruby slumps against my shoulder like a rag doll. I smooth her hair and wrap an arm around her. “I should’ve been there for her. I should have been the one to take her to the doctor.”
I want to be supportive, and I know I’m straddling a fine line between doing that and saying the wrong thing, but I can’t keep my mouth shut when I can see how she’s torturing herself needlessly.
“Youwerethere for her. Right now, when she called, you were there. That’s what she was asking you for. She didn’t ask you to go with her to the doctor.”
I feel her stiffen, but I keep holding her tight. Maybe a part of me thinks she’ll bolt if I don’t prevent it. It’s an irrational fear, but I can feel how unsettled she is.
“It’s like I took my eye off the ball to be selfish for one second, and everything fell apart.”
“You know that’s not true, though, right? Even if it feels like that, you are always there for her. She knows that. You don’t have to save everyone all the time.”
I don’t mean for it to sound insensitive, but I can tell from the way she pulls away from me that she doesn’t like it. “She’s my only family. I’m all she has.” Her voice cracks at the end, and I feel guilty about my extended family and all the times I’ve groused about them, even if it’s all in good fun. We’re tightly knit, and I can’t imagine how it would feel to have only one blood relative who has my back.
“I know, sweetie. And I can’t imagine anyone luckier than her.”
Her wan smile doesn’t make me feel like she agrees. Neither does her monotone. “Thanks.”
I feel like I’m losing her.
With each inhale and exhale, she’s pulling away, curling into herself and retreating.
“And you’re an amazing sister to her, but maybe she’s telling you she wants to stand on her own two feet. She just proved she’s capable of it.”
Ruby nods and moves farther away from me. I want to give her the space she needs, but this isn’t what I need. Another relationship where I’m chasing a woman down and begging her to stay when she doesn’t want to be here.
I know I’m overreacting, picturing the last days with Annabelle and unfairly projecting them onto Ruby, but it’s hard to be rational when it feels exactly the same way.
All the memories I’ve pushed away for two years come barreling back, and I’m powerless against them. I feel suddenly hopeless. Now, I’m the one backing away from her.
