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“Good on you. But Colin, what about you? Don’t you want to be more than a machine who works around the clock to satisfy shareholders and pay people’s salaries?”
“I never used to. It used to be enough. More than enough, actually.” He looks sheepish, brushing a lock of hair out of his eyes. Then he reaches and tucks a stray strand of my own hair behind my ear.
“And now?” I get the feeling he’s holding something back. Maybe it’s wishful thinking.
He inhales a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Then he nods. “Now that I see what I’ve been missing, I want more. With you. I want it all.”
My heart hammers in my chest. They’re the words I’ve been waiting to hear, and I can’t believe he’s saying them.
“I want that too.”
“Let’s try to make this work. I don’t know what it looks like to try to see each other. I mean, we’re a two-hour drive from each other, and I work around the clock.”
“There are weekends.”
“I work weekends. But there’s a helicopter. And I don’t work every night.”
A part of me wants to protest that a few nights aren’t going to be enough for me. I already feel like I miss him, and he hasn’t even left yet. But I understand how busy he is and how much rides on his space exploration—literally billions of dollars. I can’t be selfish, even if I want to be.
Another better part of me wants to take whatever he’s offering because I can’t bear the thought of letting him walk away. The past two weeks with him have been better than any time I’ve ever spent with a man, and I want more of him.
And yet…there’s my self-respect. I know I deserve better than someone’s odds and ends of time after he’s done satisfying himself and everyone else. Being the youngest in the family has taught me that I need to look out for myself because sometimes I’m the only one who will.
“Okay, let’s try,” I tell him, loving the way his eyes light up at the promise.
My gut tells me I’m making a mistake, that it won’t be enough and I’m short-changing myself out of what I know I want.
But I do it anyway.
If he wants to have it all, I want to be the one to give it to him.
Chapter
Twenty-Five
Colin
I don’t think either one of us could have anticipated the shitstorm that followed my impromptu makeout session in front of PJ’s former flame, followed by the paparazzi outside our coffee run in St. Helena. But as a scientist, I feel especially bad for not factoring in the risk factors, the world’s propensity toward chaos, and the ability for normalcy to change at the speed of light.
In other words, I was willfully oblivious to how a few photographers could fuck everything up. That’s the problem with letting my heart make decisions for me instead of reason and facts.
“Let’s grab you a couple cases of wine to take back with you,” PJ says, leading me toward the brown barn.
“Why don’t you bring them yourself when you come to spend the weekend with me?”
“We can do both.” She smiles at me and looks down at the screen of her phone, but then something stops her in her tracks. I don’t immediately see why she’s stopped until I catch up.Standing in the middle of the lobby, where several winery guests wander around, taking in the memorabilia on the shelves and waiting for tours, PJ looks like she’s seen a ghost.
“Everything okay?” I whisper, out of earshot of the guests.
PJ shakes her head and indicates that I should follow her up the stairs. Moving silently, PJ stares at her phone, scrolling through screen after screen, her face pulled down into a scowl. “Shit. Shit!”
I don’t interrupt as she continues scrolling, instead taking out my own phone which is vibrating in my pocket. What appears on my home screen doesn’t make me feel any better.
“Is this what you’re?—”
“Don’t,” she reprimands. I don’t see anyone anywhere near us, so I don’t understand why she’s lowered a cone of silence, but I obey and follow her into her office. She shuts the door behind me and balls up her fists, pressing them into her eye sockets. “Oh, we’re so fucked.”
“The pictures from earlier?” I want to make sure we’re worrying about the same thing, though I’m more worried about her reaction than any harm to myself. Then again, that sort of oblivion to the impact of social media is what got me into my current mess.
