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What do you think about meeting up? I’m terrified, of course, but it might be nice. No need to answer now. Think about it. R
And then, five seconds later, x.
29
Nikki was woken at two o’clock in the morning by someone banging on her front door. She leapt out of bed and rushed to the window of the front bedroom to see who it was, not wanting to answer the door in her pyjamas to a random stranger.
It was Jess. Still in her uniform. She felt a rush of fear. Had her poison pen postcard writer let out her secret? Had Jess come to confront her? Her mouth went dry and her palms felt clammy. She couldn’t pretend not to be here. She had to face up to her sister, and what she had done. And Jess was banging the knocker again. She had to let her in, or Adam would start wondering what the racket was.
She ran down the stairs, her heart pounding, wondering what to say if Jess had come to have it out with her. She opened the door to find her sister distraught, tears streaming down her face.
‘He didn’t make it.’ Jess stumbled inside and fell against Nikki, throwing her arms around her neck. ‘He didn’t make it, Nik.’
‘Who?’ Who was she talking about? Rik? Their father? Horrible flashbacks came into her mind.
‘It’s so unfair. I can’t bear it. We tried and tried.’ Jess was crying so hard she could barely hear her words through the sobs.
‘Calm down. Tell me what happened.’ Nikki tightened her arms around her sister.
‘He was only seventeen. There’s a bunch of them here on holiday. He took some ecstasy in Tawcombe.’
‘Oh God.’ An overdose. It happened, from time to time. Kids coming down to celebrate the end of their exams and overdoing it. There was temptation and they couldn’t resist.
‘I can handle it most of the time. And I don’t know why it got to me. Maybe because he reminded me of Bill.’ Jess put her face in her hands. ‘I can’t face going home. I don’t want Juno to see me like this.’
Nikki realised the place was a mess and there was nowhere comfy to sit, only her dining chairs.
‘Why don’t you go upstairs and lie on my bed? I’ll bring you up a cup of tea.’
Jess nodded, wiping the tears from her face. She was a little calmer. ‘OK.’
Five minutes later, Nikki came into her bedroom to find Jess curled up into a little ball, staring blankly into the middle of the room. Nikki handed her a cup of tea, then sat on the edge of the bed.
‘I’m exhausted, Nik,’ Jess said in a small voice. ‘And I’m so sick and tired of pretending I’m all right. When I’m not. Not at all.’
Nikki was alarmed. This wasn’t like Jess. She was usually so bouncy and upbeat. ‘What do you mean?’
There was no spark in Jess’s eye when she answered.
‘Do you know how much I get paid for what I do? Bugger all, really, considering every day I save somebody’s life. Or sometimes, I don’t, but I give it a bloody good try. And I don’t know how much longer I can do it. But I can’t afford not to, because I’ve got a mortgage and a car loan and a credit card, and none of them are going anywhere. And that’s all I know how to do. Save lives.’
She blew on her tea. It was too hot to drink just yet.
‘All I want is a holiday. I don’t mean a week in Lanzarote that’s almost over before you get there. I mean a month, or six weeks, so I can actually unwind and think about what I want to do with my life without the drama of someone going into cardiac arrest or organ failure on my watch. I want to feel the sun on my skin and swim naked in the sea and drink cocktails out of coconut shells and meet someone gorgeous and have fabulous, uncomplicated no-strings sex and then find out that actually, they are the love of my life and be swept off my feet. And then be looked after. Not in a sexist kind of a way. Just in a can I make you a gin and tonic while you cook supper sort of a way.’ She was choking on her words now. ‘Like Dad did for Mum.’
‘Oh, Jess.’
‘I want to jack in my job for a bit and go somewhere hot. And then come back and be an agency nurse or something with no responsibility. Because I can’t do it anymore. I’m tired, tired, tired right down to my bones.’
‘I’m so sorry.’ Nikki reached down and swept Jess’s hair out of her eyes. ‘You should have just asked me for a loan.’
‘I didn’t want a bloody loan.’ Jess sat up, indignant. ‘I’ve got enough loans.’
Despite herself, Nikki laughed.
‘What’s so funny?’ demanded Jess.
She couldn’t tell her it was relief. But it was. The terrible fear that she’d been found out had receded, and selfishly, totally selfishly, the burden of guilt was lifted. For the time being, anyway. Nevertheless, she was concerned about her sister.
