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Like the blue of the sea
That took him away
Before I could say
Hello …’
She was so assured, so unselfconscious, pouring out her heart in words that held meaning for nearly all the people in the room, for they had all lived in the shadow of what happened. And although Juno hadn’t been born at the time, it had a huge effect on her life too, and somehow she’d managed to capture that longing and that sadness in her song.
Nikki watched, spellbound, her heart filling with pride. And then she turned her head and saw Jess standing in the doorway, tears streaming down her face. As the song ended, Jess flew over to her daughter and the two of them held each other. And then Juno disentangled herself from her mother and turned to her audience, smiling through her tears.
‘You reckon it’s OK, then?’ she asked, and everyone cheered and clapped.
Jess wiped away her smudged mascara and for a split second, Nikki saw the grief on her face, as raw as it had been on that terrible day. How on earth could she tell her the truth, even if it was to stop someone else from telling her?
She turned to leave the room. She needed some air, to breathe in the sea, to clear her head. Adam was standing in the doorway. He was gazing at Jess, the shimmer of tears in his eyes and sorrow etched on his face, for he understood her pain. Nikki sidestepped him. In that moment, she wanted to run away, far away, to a place where nobody knew who she was, or what she had done.
In the garden, Nikki sat on the bench, her fingers curled round a glass of neat tequila. The night air was chilly and damp, and she could feel the mist creep its way around her and settle on her skin. The sky was moonless, starless, a blanket of grey. The waves pounded the beach like an ominous metronome.
There was no one she could talk to. No one she could tell her secret, and ask for advice. Woody, bless him, was so staunchly loyal, so determined that doing the right thing would make it all OK, but he didn’t understand how terrified she was of losing everything, everyone she loved.
Why hadn’t she walked away earlier? She could pinpoint the moment. You could often home in on that split second where the wrong choice was made, and your future was like a runaway train headed for certain disaster. It was the time they’d met in the caves at the secret beach, after they’d kissed in the kitchen at Mariners, for that was when it had become an assignation, deliberate and calculated rather than a moment of recklessness. The memories were so vivid, only instead of the thrill of it all, the shame made her skin crawl, and all she felt was remorse.
She finished her drink. She couldn’t stay here all night, alone with her thoughts. All her guests were inside and she was the hostess and soon someone or other would notice she had gone and would wonder what was wrong with her.
Inside, the music was up and the living room was filled with bodies dancing away to Basement Jaxx, everyone’s heartrate rising in time with the beat. The atmosphere was just what she hoped it would be. A wonderful christening for the house she hoped would bring her peace and happiness. Nikki downed another tequila shot to keep her anxiety at bay. It was always there, needling at her. Drink wouldn’t help in the long run, she reminded herself. It made her vulnerable. She wouldn’t have any more.
‘Darling, I think it’s time for me and the girls to slip away quietly.’ Her mum slid up to her. ‘It’s been a wonderful evening, but I can feel my bed calling. If I’m not tucked up by midnight, I’m done for.’
‘Thanks for coming, Mum. I’ll round up the girls for you.’
Nikki moved around the room, extricating the M and Ms who were in their element, showing off their moves. There were protests but Nikki was firm.
‘Come on, girls. You knew the deal. And it’s not fair on Granny.’
Outside, they all hugged her goodbye as they got into Helen’s Mini. Nikki smiled at her mum’s generosity in allowing Graham and Suzanne a night off and a lie-in. She’d been worth her weight in gold when Nikki was bringing up Bill. After she and Woody had split, he’d always been a brilliant dad, but there were times when back-up was needed. Helen could always be relied upon, to do a school pick-up, to drop off a lunchbox, or step in when there was an illness. Neither Nikki nor Jess would have survived single parenthood without her.
She wandered back inside. She could hear Amy Winehouse singing ‘Back to Black’ and froze slightly. It was Jess’s anthem. When it came out, a few years after Rik died, Jess played it on repeat, for the darkness of the words spoke to her.
In the living room, she saw that Jess had taken the floor and everyone had moved back to watch as she shimmied and twirled to the music, her arms in the air, her hips swaying, her dress moving with her. And then she saw that Jess had a partner, their eyes fixed on each other as they moved to the music. They were mesmerising, taking their cues from each other in perfect synchronicity, as if they had been rehearsing for weeks.
Which they couldn’t have, for the partner was Adam. He was a natural dancer, his feet moving in perfect time to the beat, his body sinuous as he bent and swayed with her, entirely confident about performing with a woman he didn’t know. Their performance had a wantonness that was mesmerising, and the chemistry between them was palpable as Jess dipped and swayed and twirled, building to a finale where she leaned back and put one toned, tanned leg in the air, her dress riding up, her hair falling onto the floor behind her. The crowd whooped and stamped their approval, and she stood up, fell against Adam’s chest, laughing, then turned and kissed him full on the mouth. And he looked more than happy about it, one arm around her shoulder, wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand, his chest rising and falling as he tried to get his breath back. They looked like stars. They looked so right together.
For a moment, Nikki remembered the karaoke night. Jess and Rik on the stage, everyone transfixed, everyone recognising that this was the start of something that was meant to be.
Adam and Jess, thought Nikki. What did they call it? Divine retribution? An eye for an eye, maybe? Of course that was her punishment.
44
It was half past one. The house looked like an abandoned movie set – half-drunk glasses and half-burned candles everywhere, and the fairy lights still valiantly blinking to an empty room, as if the cast had gone off for lunch, and would reappear any minute and take their places to talk and laugh and drink and dance until dawn. But everyone had drifted off not long after midnight, and the party was definitely over.
Nikki was determined to get all the clearing-up done before she went to bed. The last thing she wanted was to come down to a bombsite in the morning. Besides, she was used to military clean-up operations. She wandered around with a bin bag, chucking in paper plates and napkins and collecting glasses. Her head was throbbing and she felt slightly sick with a cocktail of tequila and tension as her resolution not to drink any more had been forgotten. Jess and Adam had disappeared not long after their extravagant performance, and were presumably getting it on next door. She couldn’t bear to think about it. She wasn’t sure if she could carry on living here, if the two of them were going to embark upon some steamy romance. The thought of seeing Jess tumble out of Adam’s house tomorrow morning all dewy-eyed and glowing filled her with dread.
She reminded herself she had no claim on Adam. They’d had a few drinks, a few chats, a few swims. Jess had hardly broken up a meaningful relationship. But Nikki had to admit to herself that she had really liked him. He was smart and kind and interesting and confident and creative; successful but not a show-off – the ideal mix. The first man to have captured her interest for a very long time.
Oh well. She found a broom and began to sweep the floorboards in the living room. Cinderella to the end. And she couldn’t even cast Jess as an ugly sister. She was the beautiful one. The one no man could resist.
She looked up as she heard a tap at the front door. Should she open it? It was very late. Who would be wandering around here at this time of night. Maybe someone had left something behind? A phone or house keys? She went to the window and looked out into the darkness. She could just make out a shadowy figure on the doorstep.
