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‘It was—’ What? Complicated. Difficult. Impossible. How could she put those months of turmoil into words Juno could understand?
‘I used to think the world of you,’ said Juno. ‘You always seemed to have the answer to everything. And you were so kind to me. To everyone. But it turns out you don’t care about anyone else at all. You’re a liar.’
‘I know. I know …’ There was nothing she could say in her own defence.
‘I wanted to make you suffer. I wanted to give you sleepless nights. But I also wanted it not to be true. Because it’s made me think everything is a lie. I don’t know what to believe about anyone or anything anymore.’
Nikki felt a wave of tiredness wash over her. It was all too much to take in. And Zak was inside waiting for Juno.
‘You’d better go back inside. Zak’s waiting.’
‘What?’
‘Go and do your rehearsal. We’ll talk about it when you’re done.’
A myriad of emotions flickered over Juno’s face. Guilt, confusion, anger. Contrition? Even, perhaps, relief that she’d been found out. It was going to take a while to untangle this situation and Nikki needed some time to think about how to handle it.
As Juno headed back to the studio, Nikki leaned her head back and shut her eyes. She didn’t blame Juno for what she’d done. It must have been a terrible shock, to find that evidence, and not to be able to tell anyone.
She remembered when Juno was born. A month after Rik’s funeral, Jess had asked her to be her birthing partner.
‘I’m going to be a terrible patient,’ Jess had told her. ‘And I know I won’t deal with the pain. I’m going to hate everyone seeing me for the big fat wuss that I am. I’ll be screaming for an epidural before the first contraction is over. I know I will.’
Surprisingly, it had been an easy birth. Nikki steeled herself for tantrums, drama and confrontation with the midwives. She brought in soothing face spray and wine gums and a tape she had compiled. A baby girl popped out in the middle of ‘Angel’ by Massive Attack, and it was all Nikki could do to stop Jess calling her that.
‘It’s kind of a lot to live up to.’
‘Juno, then,’ said Jess. ‘Juno Brandy.’
‘Brandy?’
Jess sang a few lines of the song. ‘Rik always used to sing it. He said if he ever had a daughter, that’s what he’d call her.’
‘Oh, Jess.’ Nikki squeezed her hand, remembering him singing it the day he arrived.
‘Do you think Mahoney-Chambord-North is a bit much?’
‘I think you’ve answered your own question there.’
‘Chambord-North?’
Nikki shrugged. ‘Why not just North? She’s one of us.’
‘You’re right. Juno Brandy North.’ She flexed the muscles in her right arm. ‘That’s a super cool, strong name for my baby girl. My fine girl.’
And when the nurse came back in to check on them, she found the two of them singing ‘Brandy’ and laughing and the baby gazing up at the two of them in apparent wonder at the two women who were going to be such a big part of her life.
Juno had never been short of people to care for her, but Nikki had always made a special effort to look out for her. Was it because Juno was her only flesh-and-blood connection to Rik? Of course not. It was because Jess was vulnerable, and being a single mum was tough, and Nikki was her sister so of course she would have done anything she could to help. And when she and Woody had Bill, the two cousins were as thick as thieves, almost like brother and sister, so Juno often used to come and sleep over or accompany them on days out.
They were one big messy complicated family. What other secrets were swirling around in the background? Nikki supposed everyone had stuff they didn’t want people to know. But some secrets were better out in the open. It took away their power. Otherwise, they were like unexploded bombs, and you didn’t have any control over when they might go off. By detonating them, maybe you limited the damage?
After the rehearsal, she and Juno walked Edith through the woods near Zak’s house. Dappled sunlight fell on the path in front of them, the woods silent with reverence, just allowing the merest rustle of leaves in the afternoon breeze and the occasional burst of birdsong.
‘I totally understand, why you sent them,’ Nikki told her.
‘I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t talk to Mum. I didn’t want her to know. And I was too scared to talk to you about it. I didn’t understand who you were anymore. Every time I saw you, I wanted to say something, but it didn’t seem possible, that you could be that person.’
‘It wasn’t something I was proud of, Juno. You must understand that. It was torture for both of us.’
