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I complied, undoing my belt that I’d tied around my side and unsticking the T-shirt from the blood.
Lily hissed, her eyes narrowing at the sight. I took off the shirt and dropped it to the floor. Now that I was here, sitting with Lily, seeing her safe, the adrenaline was wearing off, and my side hurt like a fucker. My arm burned too, but I didn’t even want to look at it and see the damage my cutting had caused. At least I’d only gotten one letter done.
“I have to clean it first before I can see how bad it is. You might still have to go to the hospital,” she warned softly.
I nodded, though I knew that going to the hospital was basically the same as giving up my position in the next game. The game that the HHU scouts would be at. I couldn’t let that happen.
She bit her lip as she assessed the damage, and I watched her. She doused cotton balls in alcohol solution and wiped away the excess blood, getting closer and closer to the wound, starting with my arm.
“This is really going to hurt,” she whispered, her eyes flickering to mine for a second.
“It’s okay. I deserve it,” I murmured back.
She swallowed, her slender throat bobbing forcefully with the movement. “No. You don’t. No one deservesthat.”
Then she poured the antiseptic over the wound.
I gritted my teeth and grunted. It burned like a motherfucker, but I wasn't a stranger to pain. I’d be okay. I’d manage this without the hospital, I could already tell.
A pressure closed around my hand, and I opened my eyes to see Lily’s small hand gripping mine, her knuckles white. Her face was drawn. It hurt her to hurt someone else. That was the kind of angel this girl was.
“It’s okay, it’s over, it’s over,” she was muttering over and over.
I wondered if she was telling me or herself. The feeling of her sweet comfort made the burn of the antiseptic fade into insignificance.
She blew out a breath, trying to clear a lock of red that had fallen over her eye. I reached for it before I could stop myself, guiding it into place behind her ear.
“Are you really okay?” she asked. Now that she’d cleaned it, the cut was clearly visible. A line-like shape. I hadn’t cut aw. There’d been no way Jack could have made me without coming over himself to check, and I’d already planned to stab him with his own knife, in that case.
No, I’d decided that I wouldn’t write that cursed word on my body ever again. I’d decided that if I had to write anything, it would be something I wanted. Luckily, I hadn’t cut for long enough for Lily to distinguish the letter as anL, the beginning of her name. She was already freaked out enough tonight.
I shrugged. “I’m a guy who just cut a letter into his own arm. I don’t really know how to answer that. Are you?”
She let out a raw laugh. “Nothing about today’s been okay.”
Guilt punched me in the gut. She’d gotten into this situation because of me. Her life had gotten worse since I’d come into it. She might be an angel to me, a sudden gift of grace that I’d never even imagined, but to her, I was a curse.
“I know. I’m so sorry. You should never have been there or gotten on that asshole’s radar. It’s my fault.”
Her voice trembled as she let out a shaky exhale. “Then it’s my fault your arm is like this. If it wasn’t for me, you’d never have gone there or had to hurt yourself. I’m sorry.” She lifted her green, tear-filled eyes to mine. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t. You’re not to blame for the evil of someone like Uncle Jack.”
“Neither of us are,” she said quickly.
I nodded slowly, agreeing with her, even if I knew in my heart, Lily being there was my fault.
“Josh Samuels,” I started.
Her eyes narrowed. “Nothing will happen to Josh.” Lily’s voice was firm. “Nothing. Too much violence has already happened. It has to stop somewhere, and it stops here.”
I thought about Nikolai Chernov’s words, about taming the monster inside, even while it hungered to be fed. I could go and fuck Josh up. He had dragged Lily into all this, too. And yet it would only go on and on. I could only guess that Josh had gotten involved in the first place because of me. Because I’d broken his fucking nose, for no other reason than petty jealousy and possessiveness. Because the darkness inside had held no relief, and what was one more shitty act of violence after the life I’d led? Karma was certainly a fucking bitch.
“Okay,” I heard myself say.
Lily blinked at me, surprised by my easy agreement. “Okay?”
“Okay. You’re right. It stops here. If you ask me not to go after Josh, I won’t.”
