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“So, sounds like the Ice Gods have a new member,” I muttered.
“They sure do. I’m getting Cayden on the team, no matter what. Otherwise—” He cut off and looked at me.
I sat up straighter under his long stare. “Otherwise what?”
My dad sat back, putting his napkin on the table and giving me a grin. “Otherwise, I might not be able to move to the coach position at HHU. They’re keeping it open for me, depending on what I can do with the team this year.”
My dinner felt like a rock in my belly. My father was going to coach at HHU? Because of me?
“I didn’t know you wanted to coach college hockey,” I said lightly.
“It’s a great opportunity, Lillian, and a huge promotion,” my mother said.
She was excited. It was evident in her tone.
“You mean a great opportunity to keep an eye on me?” My accusing question shot out before I could stop it. Never mind that I didn’t even plan on going to HHU, just the fact that my dad was planning on being there only made that invisible pressure that was already threatening to crush me push down even harder.
“Lillian, it’s a big school. I won’t even see you, unless you come and visit your old man. I just thought it would be nice to know that we’re both on campus somewhere. I’m not there to cramp your style.”
I sighed. “That’s what you always say, but being the coach’s daughter was supposed to end after high school.” My protest sounded petty, even to me.
My dad sighed. “Lil, I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s a great opportunity. It’s the next step for me. More money, bigger games, more skill, strategy—”
“The chance at fame you never got as a player because of me, right?”
Silence fell as the cruel words left my mouth. God, I was being a bitch. I was insufferable. My face crumpled immediately, and tears left my eyes as I stood and threw myself into my dad’s arms. They opened for me without hesitation.
“I’m sorry. That was awful,” I muttered against his chest.
“It’s okay, Lil. I know you didn’t mean it. It’s a big shock, I guess.” He rubbed a warm circle on my back.
I nodded, and after a moment, leaned away. My mother was looking at me with sympathy in her eyes.
“I’m just tired. It was a long day. I should go and get started on my homework.”
“Okay, sweetheart. We’re here if you want to talk,” my mom said with a kind smile.
I nodded and slunk away.
* * *
After dinner, I ran on the treadmill in the basement. I liked to work off my anxious energy before bed, but I wasn’t allowed to go jogging alone at night, so the basement it was.
I returned to my room and grabbed my shower things, spending far too long under the hot spray. I washed my long hair slowly and methodically before finally getting out of the shower. The mirror was fogged, exactly like I preferred it. I brushed my teeth and let my mind linger over the conversation at the dinner table.
My father wanted to coach at HHU.
But I’m not going to HHU.I’m going far, far away, and he has no idea.
I’d acted like a complete bitch. I couldn’t stop torturing myself by replaying the moment when I’d snapped at my dad, reminding him of his short-lived hockey career. It wasn’t only my mom’s dreams that had been shattered by my arrival, but my dad’s, too.
I’d cost them everything, and I was reminded of it every single day. It was the very reason I’d burrowed into schoolwork so hard and stressed over having a perfect attendance record and GPA. It was the reason I never got in trouble, or snuck out late, or hell, even kissed a boy. I was fated to pay penance to the two people who had given up everything for me, and I was the ungrateful brat who wanted to run away and be free on the other side of the country.
Forget about California. Be a good girl, go to HHU, and make your parents proud. You won’t be happy in the Golden State if they’re sad, and you know it.
I took a deep breath through my nose, trying to calm my wild anxiety and drown out the obnoxiously wise voice in my head. Rinsing my mouth, I wrapped my towel tighter around my body and went back to my room.
My mom was sitting on my bed. I jerked to a stop, my face flushing as she met my eyes. Again, I felt like she could see inside my frantic, selfish mind.
