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Inside the kitchen, the light was on over the table, and my parents were both sitting there. As soon as I met my mother’s hurt gaze, I felt like crying. Damn Cayden to hell for forcing this on me.It had to happen sometime.I ignored the voice of reason in my head and pushed my hatred toward the only figure I had to blame. Fucking Cayden.
“So, a lot happened this week, and I think we need to talk about it,” my dad said carefully.
“That whole journal thing was just a prank,” I began, but my mother didn’t let me get far.
“Did you really apply to college in California? Couldn’t you get farther away? Doesn’t Hawaii have a good epidemiology program?”
Ouch, her opening shot was fiery. This conversation wasn’t going to be easy.
“Honey, let Lily talk and explain herself.” My dad’s tone was full of the false confidence of someone who was convinced there was a reasonable explanation for everything.
“What’s all this about?” he continued. “Did you really apply for school in California?”
My mouth too dry to speak, I slowly nodded.
My mother gasped out a tiny, pained exclamation.
“Okay, it’s okay.” My dad patted her hand. “Why did you, honey? Can you tell us?”
I stared at them, words crowding my head, rising and falling, every single one inadequate.
“Lily? Why aren’t you speaking?” my mother burst out.
“What are you waiting for? It’ll only get harder. Does it feel good to lie to them every day?”Cayden’s annoying voice played in my head.
“I-I don’t know what to say,” I admitted. “I could pretend that I just love the idea of the sun and Cali living, or that the college is my dream school and the program is better than the one here, but it would be a lie.”
My parents were shocked at my words. Whatever they’d been expecting, my outburst hadn’t been it. But Cayden’s words had shaken something loose inside me that had been tight for so long.When are you going to stop being such a fucking coward?Today, I finally replied to him in my head.I’m stopping today, come what may.
“Lily,” my dad started.
“I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to upset you. My whole life, upsetting you has been the thing I was most scared of.” I let out a tense laugh, trying to shift the fear strumming through me. “Not bad grades or being unpopular or getting made fun of… disappointing you was my nightmare. I only cared about my grades, because you cared. You both cared so damn much.”
My parents stared at me aghast, like I was a person they didn’t know. I forged on.
“I’m not blaming you or saying that it was a bad thing. It was an amazing thing. It pushed me to work so much harder than everyone else and to achieve so much more. I have my pick of colleges to go to and I can study something I really love, and that’s because of you guys. You always believed in me, and it helped me to believe in myself.”
My dad cleared his throat after a moment. “But?”
“But…” I blew out a long breath and braced myself. “But I know the librarian better than my classmates, and I have a million facts in my head, but very little in the way of memories of school that will make me smile and laugh. Silly moments, parties, friends, first kisses…”
Both my parents blanched at that.
“Yes, before you say anything, it’s normal for an eighteen-year-old to date and kiss a few guys. It doesn’t mean I’ll get pregnant and drop out of college.”
“Lily, believe me, these things happen before you can even realize, and then your whole life changes.” My mother’s voice was so painfully sad.
I reached out and touched her curled fist on the table. “Mom, I know, believe me, you’ve told me enough times, but sometimes, when you do…what you don’t realize is that it sounds like my existence ruined your life.” My voice broke on the last few words.
My mother’s face tightened, shocked, and then crumpled.
“I wish I could change it for you, but I can’t. I’m here, and I’m sorry about that – but I can’t do anything about it.” Tears ran down my face now, and the looks on my parents’ faces broke my heart.
My mother was crying. I’d made my mother cry. I shoved back the chair and stood. I had to be alone. I couldn’t take their sadness. It was all my fault. It was always all my fault.
I fled the room, closing the kitchen door and sticking my feet back in my sneakers. I pushed out the front door, sobs racking my body.
I barely had time to realize I wasn’t alone when I collided with a hard chest. Cayden’s arms went around me and pulled me against him. He smelled like leather. He was wearing his motorcycle jacket, his helmet gripped in one hand. He’d had the bike fixed a few days ago; I could make out the shape of it parked just behind him. He’d come home earlier than I’d expected him to.
