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“I guess you shocked yourself, huh?”
He nodded. Crap, now he was scared to try again. What if it had been a fluke?
“How?” No, he wouldn’t let fear hold him back. Not anymore. He tried again. “How is this possible?”
Yes, his voice was there. Soft and a little hesitant, but he was speaking. What on earth had happened?
“I don’t know, and that’s the truth,” Delton said. “One explanation might be that you have grown accustomed to speaking again because you’re feeling safer, and now your brain has decided to make the jump. Or it could be that you feel especially safe with us, which would be a big compliment for Adar and me.”
“Or it could be magic,” Adar said. “Wouldn’t be the first time we see miracles after a funeral.”
Magic. Could it be true? Why would he even question it? Did it matter what had caused it? Maybe it was more important to embrace it and be grateful, to train himself to use his voice again. He’d been quiet long enough.
“I don’t know either,” he said. His voice was still a little raspy, which wasn’t strange, considering how little he had used it over the last two years. “But I’m grateful.”
“Not to dampen your spirits, but this may not mean it’s back permanently,” Delton said.
“You think it’ll disappear again?” Adar asked.
“It could, and you need to be prepared for that, Oliver. I don’t want you to get crushed when you experience difficulties again down the line.”
Oliver nodded. “Thank you.”
He appreciated the heads-up. It seemed like Delton was looking out for him.
“Anyway, you said Fallon talked to you,” Delton prompted him.
Right. Wow, the conversation felt a lot more daunting now that he could speak. He could no longer hide behind gestures and one-word responses. He hadn’t realized how much he’d come to depend on those.
“He explained about the pain.” He looked sideways at Adar. “Sorry, I don’t know the correct word.”
“Impact play, but it doesn’t matter. I knew what you meant.”
Impact play. Interesting that it was called play. That suggested something fake, didn’t it? Or maybe something akin to a game. But the pain Adar wanted was real, and Oliver couldn’t wrap his mind around that. It wasn’t that he judged Adar for wanting it. He didn’t understand what Adar was getting out of it. “Is it a punishment?”
“A punishment? You mean, do I feel like I need to be punished for something? No. Some people who are into this may feel that way, but I don’t.”
“How are you okay with being less?”
Hopefully, that made sense. It was much harder than he’d expected to use his voice again. Apparently, he’d grown lazy, content not to ask and to keep himself shut off from others.
“I know it’s weird for an alpha to want this.” Adar’s shoulders sagged, and he seemed to shrink, looking nothing like the proud and strong man Oliver was used to. A wave of guilt filled Oliver. He hadn’t wanted to make him feel small.
“Can I say something?” Delton asked.
Oliver nodded.
“I think I get what you were asking, so can I put it in different words? Were you trying to understand why an alpha like Adar would choose to submit to another man when he doesn’t have to? Like, why would that be something he wants?”
“Yes.” Thank the gods, Delton was there to interpret and help them communicate, or Oliver would make a mess of it and maybe even inadvertently hurt Adar, which was the last thing he wanted. “That’s exactly it.”
Oliver took a quick peek sideways, and the relief on Adar’s face showed the alpha had taken Oliver’s question personally.
“I don’t know other than that it’s the only thing that truly relaxes me.” Adar scratched his beard. “I like working out, and that takes some stress out of me, but not like engaging in impact play does. I can let go then. That’s the best way I can explain it.”
“For some people, the weight of their responsibilities is a heavy one,” Delton said. “And while we often think alphas have it much easier than betas or omegas, their role and status come with their challenges. Adar, for example, has a job with a lot of responsibilities. Keeping all of us safe day in and day out, knowing how real the danger is, will wear on you. The thing about pain is that it overrides everything else. When something truly hurts, you can’t think of anything else. In fact, you can’t even think at all. All you can do is breathe and focus on the pain. And when it’s the right kind of pain, when it’s administered in a steady way, some people are able to sort of step out of their body and transcend into a different state of mind. It’s called subspace.”
Adar stopped walking, staring at Delton with his mouth open. Oliver and Delton halted as well. Adar cleared his throat. “How did you…? How do you know all this?”
