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“Time for Kian to give Dolcezza her tracker! She can’t have high blood pressure during the procedure, so go be a good boy somewhere else,” Zander encourages.
“You’re a dead man, Zander,” Domino threatens and punches the door, but it remains closed.
“Sure, sure,” Zander dismisses him as he taps his fingers quickly against his phone screen. “Saved, copied, backed up, and sent to ten other phones around the world. Perfect.”
“You’re serious?” I whisper. I’m impressed.
“Have to make sure any content that can be used as blackmail is accessible from afar but inaccessible by the rest of the world, including the one desperately wishing to obtain it.”
He gives me a wink and sits back in the seat next to the side of his bed. Picking up the bowl of pudding, he offers me another spoonful.
“Now, let’s finish this up and get you tapped into the database.”
It’s odd to prepare to have a tracker imbedded into your flesh, but for some reason, it makes me feel important.
That deep within these men’s hearts, my survival does matter to them, even if they may not want to show it.
30
WALK THEM LIKE DOGS
~GEMINI~
“There we go,” Kian declares, reviewing the site where the tracker now lies beneath my flesh. “It shouldn’t scar, but I’ll leave a healing barrier cream you can apply twice a day. Should heal up by the end of the week.”
“Cool,” I reply as I lift my hand to inspect the tiny slice at the back of my left hand. “Could get a tattoo around it.”
“You like tattoos?”
“Yes and no?” I offer more like a question to myself. “I used to dislike them. Think all those who got them just did it for show or to project some sort of pride of having trauma.” I laugh at myself. “I mean, you’d have to carry some sort of trauma to willingly walk into a space and allow them to drill you up for hours on end.”
Kian smirks as he leans back to admire me.
“But?”
“Then I got to that space where I used to mock in my mind. Realized that despite having someone drill into your flesh forhours on end, there’s a sense of control there.” I further admire the red line, getting lost in the years of bullying I endured. “You get to choose the tattoo parlor. Choose the artist who will permanently ink your flesh. You prepare yourself for the agony, stress, and ultimate pain you’ll endure in those set hours. YOU are in total control of how the tattoo goes from start to finish.”
Lowering my hand, I let out a sigh and closed my eyes.
“You don’t get that sense of control with trauma. When someone hurts you, whether physically, emotionally, mentally… heck, even sexually, it’s a validation you never asked for. You didn’t warrant such abuse, and if another thought you were ‘deserving’ of such punishment in their mind, it still doesn’t justify the abuse happening to you. In that instance, whether past or present, that control you take advantage of is suddenly stolen. You’re left hollow, and I guess reclaiming that sense of power in the form of a tattoo can help start the process of healing. It’s just in our own unique way.” It makes me sad to admit it out loud. “Just wish the world wasn’t so fucked up, so we didn’t need to deal with these situations to begin with.”
“I wish that, too,” Kian whispers as he crosses his arms over his chest. “That’s kind of why I’m transitioning.”
I’m surprised he’d be open to admitting it to me when we barely know each other, but I can’t deny my intrigue.
“To regain control?” I offer. “Why does Zander not connect well with you?”
He laughs, the sound genuine and pure, which is why it’s more feminine in nature.
“The crazed fucker has attachment issues,” he emphasizes. “Which is why when I started to transition, he didn’t like it. His attachment to seeing me as a female is already engraved in his database. He gathers all the good I’ve done for him into that little space in his mind, so watching me say, ‘fuck being a woman. I’mgoing to be a man’ to him is like saying, ‘fuck all the memories of the past I had with you.’”
“But that’s not the intention you’re projecting. You’re doing something for your protection and self-love,” I quietly note.
“Oh, I know.” Chuckling, Kian shakes his head, smiling from ear to ear. “It’s because Zander is a loyal mother fucker. Once that man has deemed you worthy of his commitment, he’ll never abandon you. Heck, you can be the fucking devil’s advocate, and the man would simply shrug and ask what’s next.”
Yup. That’s Zander.
“That’s the thing, though. He has to compartmentalize those emotions and bonds because he can’t allow himself to fully immerse himself in them,” he reveals. “If he does, all that will lead to pure agony when the person betrays him.”
