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Esther opened her mouth, then closed it again. She took a deep, unsteady breath and said, “Will you give me another chance?”
The embryo smile disappeared. “To do what?” He was gun-shy. She’d hurt him once, and he was afraid she’d do it again.
“To show you that you’re important to me. I know I have issues and I’m not any good at this stuff, but I’m trying to be better at it, because I really like you.” She couldn’t bring herself to use the word love. The broken parts of her were still too broken for that. “I miss you.”
When she’d gotten all the words out, she held her breath, waiting.
Jonathan’s mouth twitched again. “Do you want to sit down?”
“What happened with your adviser? Did you turn in your scripts?” They were sitting on his couch, at opposite ends. The upholstery felt like sandpaper against Esther’s skin. It wasn’t a very big couch. There was barely enough space between them for another person. It felt like a lot more space than that though. It felt like the Grand Canyon lay between them.
Jonathan nodded without meeting her eye. He was staring straight ahead with his bare feet up on the footlocker that passed for a coffee table. “I got an A. Fall classes start a week from Monday.”
Esther broke into a grin. “That’s fantastic!”
He was near enough she could smell the cigarette smoke on him, with just a hint of the woodsy Jonathan smell underneath. She’d missed that smell. She wanted to bury her face in it, but she figured she wasn’t allowed anymore. She wanted to do a lot of things—hug him, hold his hand, kiss the ever-living shit out of him—but it felt like there was an invisible wall between them. A physical barrier she wasn’t permitted to breach.
He glanced over at her, then away again. “Whatever happened with Jinny?”
Esther’s smile faded. “We made up. She forgave me—eventually.”
“Won’t she mind…” His hand flicked, gesturing at the space between them.
“She gave me her blessing.”
He scowled down at his lap. “Great.” She didn’t want him to be scowling. She especially didn’t want to be the reason he was scowling.
“Jonathan.” Her throat constricted as she said his name.
His eyes lifted to her face.
“I’m sorry,” she said again. Helplessly.
He shook his head at his lap. “Don’t be. I get it.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, actually.” He shrugged. “That was what made it so hard. I could understand why you were doing it, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. It just meant I couldn’t hate you for it.”
“I don’t know,” Esther said, “I feel like I was a pretty big asshole. You’re allowed to hate me if you want.”
“I don’t want to hate you.” His eyes found hers and softened. “I like you too much.”
Something fluttered in her chest. He hadn’t said love, but like was pretty good, considering. She’d happily take like. “Still?”
“Still.” He laid his hand on the couch between them, palm up. An invitation.
Esther twined her fingers with his, squeezing gratefully.
They sat there holding hands without speaking. A sense of possibility had opened up between them, and it needed time to soak in. Her thumb moved over his wrist, searching for his pulse. It was racing almost as fast as hers.
There was a smudge of black ink on his index finger. She wanted to kiss it, but she felt like it might be too soon. Baby steps.
“Do you want to go on a date with me?” she asked.
He smiled down at their intertwined hands. “Yeah. I’d like that.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
