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Esther sighed and picked up her fork again. Yemi probably wasn’t the best person to turn to for advice. But at least he wasn’t judging her. When she looked at him all she saw in his expression was sympathy. It made her feel a little better. Until his thick-framed glasses and his furrowed brow reminded her of Jonathan, and then she felt miserable all over again.
“You should try anyway,” Yemi said. “It’s better to try and get it wrong than do nothing.”
“Is it?” Esther wasn’t so sure. Trying and getting it wrong was what had landed her in this situation to begin with. If she’d done nothing and let Jinny manage her own love life, they wouldn’t be in the middle of a fight right now.
But then she and Jonathan never would have been friends. The thought made her even more depressed.
Esther skipped knitting on Monday night. She decided what Jinny needed from her right now was space. It wouldn’t do any good to force a confrontation before she was ready to talk—and listen. Jinny didn’t react well to being pushed, which was what had gotten them in this fight in the first place. It wasn’t about the fact that Esther had slept with Jonathan; Jinny was upset that Esther had tricked her into dating him.
Jinny’s mother was always trying to control her: pressuring her into dressing a certain way, dating a certain kind of man, being a certain kind of person. Buying her clothes she didn’t want, setting her up on dates she hadn’t agreed to. She’d even gone through Jinny’s purse once and thrown away a bunch of expensive lipsticks she’d pronounced “too slutty.” Esther knew exactly how much Jinny resented it—and yet she’d turned around and done the exact same thing to her. No wonder she was mad.
The rest of the week went by without a word from her. Wherever Jinny was eating lunch every day, it wasn’t the cafeteria. And since they worked in separate parts of the building on totally different projects, the cafeteria was the only place they were likely to run into each other.
This was exactly what Jinny had done the last time they’d had a fight. Gone silent for a week until she’d cooled off. Then they’d talked and patched things up. That’s what Esther was hoping for. It might take some time, but hopefully it would blow over eventually.
Meanwhile, Esther’s mother had started calling to beg for more money. She called on Tuesday and again on Thursday. “It’s just impossible to find anywhere to live for that price,” she pleaded. “You don’t understand what the rental market up here is like.”
Esther understood perfectly. She’d spent time on the internet searching for apartments around Seattle. Putting in different search parameters, trying to find something in her mother’s budget that didn’t look like a crack den. There wasn’t much. For once, her mother wasn’t exaggerating.
“I’m already giving you as much as I can afford,” Esther said, feeling wretched. That wasn’t strictly true, but she’d made a promise to Eric.
When she got home from work on Friday, Esther’s eyes lingered on Jonathan’s car in the space beside hers. She hadn’t seen him all week. She kept hoping she’d run into him coming or going, but so far she’d been forced to content herself with gazing longingly at his car.
She’d thought about texting him, but she couldn’t think of anything to say. Not anything that he’d want to hear, anyway. He’d probably reject any overtures of friendship at this point.
She went to check her mail, and her heart dropped like a stone when she saw the package waiting for her.
It was the new drip coffeemaker she’d ordered for herself last week. She’d intended to surprise Jonathan by offering him a decent cup of coffee the next time he came over. She wasn’t ready to commit to a Chemex, but she’d decided it was time to move up to a real coffeemaker. She’d been planning to ask him for coffee recommendations.
But now she couldn’t. She couldn’t ask him for coffee suggestions, and she couldn’t make him a cup of coffee in her new coffeemaker, because he wasn’t going to be coming over anymore.
She picked up the box and carried it upstairs to her apartment. She didn’t feel like unpacking it, so she left it on the dining table and went to go change into her pajamas.
Yes, she was putting on pajamas at six o’clock in the evening. Why not? It wasn’t like anyone was coming over. The only two people who ever came to her apartment weren’t speaking to her currently.
She sank down on the couch and flipped on the television. Sally jumped up beside her and promptly fell asleep. Rough life that cat had, sleeping all day, followed by an intense bout of evening napping. Must be nice.
As Esther flipped through the channels, looking for something to watch, the coffeemaker glared at her from the dining table. To the extent that an inanimate cardboard box could glare.
After a few minutes, she pushed herself to her feet, snatched it off the table, and dumped it on the floor in the coat closet where she wouldn’t have to look at it anymore.
The stupid thing reminded her too much of Jonathan and how much she missed him.
What had happened to her? How had her feelings for him changed so much in just a few short months? How had she gone so quickly from hating him to liking him? Depending on him, even.
She missed the way he used to hang around outside, waiting for her to get home from work. She missed telling him about her day and hearing about his. She missed ordering pizza together and arguing about movies. She missed his sense of humor, and how fussy he was about his coffee. She missed the way he ran his hands through his hair when he was nervous, and the smile he only showed his friends. She’d probably never get to see that smile again.
She’d liked being his friend, dammit. Knowing he was right next door if she wanted company.
She wanted company now, and didn’t have anyone to talk to.
The weekend loomed ahead of her, bleak and barren. No Jinny, no Jonathan. Not even knitting to look forward to on Monday. Just Esther and her cat.
She’d never felt like her social circle was small before, but tonight it felt microscopic. Nonexistent, even.
Chapter Twenty-Two
By the time Monday morning came, Esther was actually glad to be back at work, just to have some human contact again.
