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“No, dummy, the letter.”
Esther blinked against the stinging in her eyes. “I’m so sorry, Jinny. I wish I could go back and undo all of it.”
There was another pause, and then Jinny said, “It’s possible I may have overreacted a little. You didn’t deserve two weeks of the silent treatment.”
Esther sagged with relief. “Can I come over so we can talk about it?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
She’d already changed into pajama pants for the night, so she had to change back into outside-the-house pants. She pulled on the first pair of jeans she could find, put her bra back on, and drove straight to Jinny’s.
Jinny’s apartment was newer than hers, with a lobby and indoor hallways that smelled like disinfectant. Esther knocked on her door and waited while her stomach tried to twist itself into elaborate nautical knots.
“That was fast,” Jinny said. She looked almost as nervous as Esther felt.
“I may have run a stop sign or two.” Esther’s stomach hurt so bad she wanted to curl up in the fetal position. It was one thing to put her feelings into a letter, but now that she was looking into Jinny’s eyes, faced with the prospect of having to talk about those same feelings out loud, she was terrified. Like, the-first-five-minutes-of-the-original-Halloween terrified. She wondered if you could actually die from talking about your feelings. Because her stomach definitely felt like it was trying to commit suicide.
Jinny didn’t say anything. She was standing in the doorway watching her, and Esther didn’t know if she was going to let her inside or if she should start talking out here in the hall.
Just as Esther opened her mouth to apologize again, Jinny stepped forward and hugged her. Hard.
Esther clung to her, burying her face in Jinny’s hair. She smelled like lavender laundry detergent and Tory Burch perfume. Like Jinny.
“I thought you didn’t care we weren’t friends anymore,” Jinny said into Esther’s shoulder.
Esther held her even tighter. She couldn’t believe Jinny could think such a thing. “I cared, believe me. I cared a lot.”
“I cared too.”
Esther sniffled. Right in Jinny’s hair, but Jinny didn’t seem to mind. “I thought you didn’t want me around anymore.”
“I always want you around,” Jinny said. “Even when you piss me off.”
“I shouldn’t have fixed you up with Jonathan and lied to you about it. That was shitty. You were right to be mad.”
Jinny let go of her and reached up to wipe her eyes. “I should have taken your calls. That was pretty shitty too.”
Esther looked down at the scuffed linoleum floor and shuffled her feet. “I’ve been doing some soul-searching lately, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I might be broken in some crucial ways. I should probably be in therapy.”
“Probably,” Jinny agreed. “But you’re not broken.”
Esther looked up tentatively. “You think?”
Jinny shrugged. “You’re no more broken than I am.”
“Are we okay?” Esther asked.
“Yeah,” Jinny said, nodding. “We’re gonna be fine.”
Esther blew out a ragged breath. Jinny was still her friend. Everything was going to be okay.
“Come on.” Jinny grabbed her hand and dragged her into the apartment. “Get in here before any of my neighbors sees us crying in the hallway like weirdos.”
They’d talked until late into the night, clearing the air between them. Jinny hadn’t held anything back, and neither had Esther. It was painful, but it also felt good. Like draining the poison from an infection. For the first time in weeks—for the first time since they’d known each other, actually—they’d really talked. Openly and honestly. About everything.
Not just about their friendship, but about their relationships with men and with their mothers. About Esther’s abandonment issues and how they made her keep people at a distance, and about Jinny’s low self-esteem and how she needed to value herself more. How Jinny’s mother had screwed her up by making her resentful of being managed, and how Esther’s mother had screwed her up by making her feel like she needed to manage everyone else. And how that was all stuff they were going to have work through and find a way to navigate.
Esther hadn’t gotten home until almost two a.m., and she’d been so amped up it had taken her another hour to fall asleep.
