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Now that she thought about it, she’d been more in love with the idea of Kenneth than the reality of him. He was fine. But he was always working such long hours—at least that’s what he’d claimed—they hadn’t seen all that much of each other. And she hadn’t actually minded. All those times he was supposedly working late or out of town, she hadn’t missed his company at all. Even now, when she thought about him with that other woman, she wasn’t jealous. She was mostly just mad.
The truth was, she’d never been all that attracted to him. Once the initial excitement of being asked out had worn off, he hadn’t made her heart beat faster or her stomach flutter. The sex had been fine, but nothing special. And to be honest, she’d found him a little…boring. He’d talked about his work a lot, but hadn’t seemed interested in hearing about hers.
Why had she been with him? His hair was receding, he was short and skinny, and he hadn’t shared any of her interests. He only liked dark, gritty movies and dumb reality television shows, and he wasn’t a reader—which should have been a deal breaker all by itself.
Her previous boyfriend, Brendon, hadn’t been all that great either. She’d thought she loved him at the time, but looking back on it, she couldn’t remember why. He’d mocked her fandom friends and her fanfic habit. He’d never wanted to watch her favorite TV shows with her, but she’d spent hours watching football with him, even though it bored it her to tears. Worst of all, he hadn’t talked to her before deciding to move to California. He’d just announced he was moving and said she could come with him if she wanted.
Penny had uprooted her entire life for someone who hadn’t even cared if she came with him or not. No wonder he’d started cheating on her as soon as he got out here.
What was wrong with her? She shouldn’t be settling like that. Sure, she wanted to fall in love and have a family some day, but this wasn’t the way to do it. If she didn’t love herself enough to expect more, how would she ever find a man who would love her as much as she deserved? She needed to start valuing herself and prioritizing her own needs. Which meant asking for things when she wanted them instead of rolling over at the first hint of resistance.
No, not just asking—demanding.
“All right, good work everyone,” Tessa said, shutting off the sleepy music.
Thank God. If Penny practiced much more mindfulness, she was liable to sprain something.
Chapter Five
On Monday morning, Penny went into Antidote and ordered a different drink.
It didn’t happen quite as decisively as that, of course. What actually happened was that Penny went to the counter the same as usual, and Caleb rang up her usual order. But when he held out his hand for her credit card, she hesitated.
“Actually, can I…” She trailed off, biting her lip.
She liked her nonfat lattes, but did she really want to settle for the same boring drink every day? Maybe she was missing out on something better. She could stand to be more adventurous. Mix it up a little. She could have a different drink every day of the week if she wanted.
Caleb’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “You want something different?” He was wearing a soft blue henley, and the way it clung to his chest, arms, and shoulders made it difficult to concentrate on coffee.
Penny tore her eyes away from his torso and studied the chalkboard menu on the back wall. “Um. Maybe? I’m not sure.” It felt like a big step, even if it was just a coffee order.
“An Americano?” he suggested.
Penny shook her head. A drink comprised of espresso and water seemed even less adventurous than her usual latte.
“Cortado?”
“No…”
She knew exactly what she wanted, but it wasn’t on the menu and she was afraid to ask for it. Which was her whole problem. She was so afraid of inconveniencing other people that she never came right out and asked for what she wanted. That was Old Penny thinking, and she needed to let it go.
“What about one of those lavender lattes like you made before? I know they’re not on the menu…”
Caleb’s eyes sparked as if he were pleased. “Coming right up.”
While he made her drink, she went around collecting dirty cups and glasses from the tables and carried them to the dish cart beside the garbage can, because honestly, why couldn’t people clean up after themselves when the cart was right there?
“You don’t have to do that,” Caleb shouted to her from the espresso machine. “It’s literally my job.”
“I like to be helpful,” Penny shouted back.
She contemplated the empty tables. Should she sit somewhere else today, just to shake things up even more? Maybe by the window, or on the big orange couch.
She glanced back at her usual spot at the counter, which afforded an unobstructed view of the espresso machine where Caleb was making her latte.
No need to go overboard, she decided, and claimed her old stool.
“Thank you,” she said when Caleb brought her drink over a few minutes later. He’d sprinkled dried lavender on top of the foam this time. Penny picked it up and inhaled through her nose, letting the aroma fill her sinuses.
