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I remembered the phone call and felt like I might vomit.
I just got back early, is all… Come over. I’ll have the champagne waiting.
I was too stunned to speak. I just nodded ‘yes.’
“We don’t know if he was working for China or a third party,” Alistair said, “but either way, he seems to be playing for the opposing team.”
When I didn’t answer, Alistair said gently, “If Lars disappeared, it’s likely he’s either still on a mission, or he got spooked and defected to whatever country is backing him. Or… something happened to him.”
Something happened to him.
So many possibilities could be covered by those four little words.
“There’s… no trace of him?” I whispered.
“None. He covered his tracks thoroughly this time.”
“What about Gunnar?” I managed to ask.
“There was a Gunnar Olafsson in the Swedish Special Forces at Bagram Air Base when Lars was there… but there’s no record of him after he left. It’s like he disappeared. I’ll keep looking.”
I just stared at the photographs of Lars on the snowy streets of Kirkenes.
“I should take these back,” Alistair said quietly as he gathered the photographs.
“…who else knows about this?” I asked.
“At the moment, no one besides you and me. And… unless Lars resurfaces… I see no need to involve anyone else.”
He didn’t need to explain why.
It appeared that I had been dating a double agent…
Which would have been disastrous for my career. It would throw every mission I had ever done for MI6 into question. The investigation would take months, and even if I was cleared – if I was cleared – no one at the agency would trust me with a mission of any importance ever again.
“By the same token,” Alistair said quietly, “I have to ask you to please never mention this to anyone. If management discovered I accessed these files without proper authorization – ”
“No – I completely understand. The secret dies with me. Thank you, Alistair.”
I forced a smile.
It’s not that I wasn’t grateful to him; I was enormously grateful. He’d risked his career to help me.
It was just…
I was dying inside.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t give you better news,” he said sadly.
“…it’s better to know… than not to know.”
I tried to make myself believe it.
He nodded, then said, “I’ll see myself out. If you need anything… anything at all… don’t hesitate to ask.”
After he closed the door, I sent an email that I wouldn’t be able to do the debrief because I was feeling extremely unwell.
I was able to keep it together as I walked to my car and drove back to my house.
