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He’s RIGHT.
“No… no, I’m sorry,” I murmured. “It’s better if I just accept the truth.”
“Well, it was still out of line for me to say it. I apologize.”
I frowned slightly. “Why did you say he was a bastard? Because he’s working for the Chinese?”
Alistair frowned and stared at me like I was speaking gibberish.
“No, Rachel – because he left you. Because he hurt you. He had something incredibly precious, and he threw it away. He was a bastard and an idiot.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. This time, I didn’t get angry at what he said.
Alistair seemed uncomfortable with how much he’d revealed about how he felt. “Well… I should be getting back. I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”
“…I’m getting better.”
That was closer to the truth than I’m alright.
“Good. Take all the time you need… I’ll make sure you get it.” He smiled sadly. “Take care of yourself, Rachel.”
As he stood up to go, I grabbed his hand. “Alistair?”
He looked down at me in surprise. “Yes?”
“…thank you,” I whispered.
He just smiled and squeezed my hand. “You’re very welcome.”
When he left, I felt the strangest emotion:
A little sad that Alistair had gone.
For a while, his presence had lessened my grief…
And I never forgot it.
154
Ireturned to work after a month was up.
I still felt a little shaky, but I resolved to put Lars behind me and get on with my life.
Wherever he was, whatever had happened to him, he had lied to me –
And if he’d betrayed the UK and NATO, then he’d used me as well.
Fuck him.
I threw myself back into my work. Within no time at all, I was back to doing what I did best: risking my life for Queen and Country.
But then, it was easy to go on death-defying missions when you had no life to come back to.
Not one you cared about, anyway.
The one huge change was that Alistair and I struck up a friendship. It was the only thing besides my career that meant anything to me.
I didn’t even attempt to date for two years after Lars left me. I didn’t have sex – nothing. I felt like a nun, shut away in a deserted abbey of my own making.
