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“Fair. Want to show me pics of Nova’s recital?”
“Fuck yeah. She was hellaciously cute.” I pulled out my phone and flicked through the approximately one hundred photos I’d taken of my niece up on stage.
It felt so good to hang out with Allie. We hadn’t gotten together outside of work for ages, but at least we had lunches, and we talked through the day on the company’s chat program. She’d taken the step to sign up for my classes as well so we got extra time together. I was fucking grateful for her wanting to spend time with me because I didn’t have a lot of time to spare and I couldn’t explain it all to her except that I had a night shift job on the weekends. Sometimes the guilt over not wanting to tell her everything was crushing. I should feel comfortable enough to pour out my secrets to her, but every time I tried, my tongue felt like lead in my mouth and I dreaded any remotely negative reaction. One day.
“I can’t believe how big she’s gotten,” Allie gushed over the pictures. “She was so little when we met.”
“Ugh. I know. She’s a giant now. I miss when she was tiny enough to wear strapped to my chest. I could probably still manage it with how big she is now, but not for nearly as long.” I sighed wistfully. “Even Rory’s too big for that now. So rude of her to grow.”
“At least you have babies to hang out with. All my cousins finished procreating years ago. The youngest of their kids is already ten. I guess I’m next in line to kick things off, but that won’t be happening for a long while.”
“Sidney’s not begging to be a dad yet?”
Allie laughed. “Nah. We’ve talked about it and I know he’d be great at it, but we’re going to enjoy ourselves for a few more years first before we commit to sleepless nights.”
“The most practical choice.” I clinked my glass against hers. “Also, absolutely calling dibs on being auntie to your kids.”
“Obviously.” Allie nudged me with her foot under the table, a brilliant smile on her face. “I already know you’re an amazing auntie and there’s no way my kids are missing out on you.”
It shouldn’t have been a punch to the chest—the statement that she planned to keep me around long enough to be part of the lives of her eventual children—but god, it felt like it. So simple. I hated that I didn’t trust she would still want it when the time came round. I knew she meant it, and I treasured it.
“You okay, Loons?”
“Yep!” I said it too sharply, my voice close to cracking, and she raised a questioning eyebrow. “Just thinking about what a good mom you’ll be when the time comes and how much love those babies will have in their lives.”
“You still on the no-baby train?”
“Motherhood isn’t in the cards for me. I’m more than happy to love the children of the people I love.” I couldn’t even imagine myself as a mother. Most of my joy in children came from my ability to give them back and return to my regular life. I worried I’d somehow become my own mother if I had a child to worry about, when I was more exhausted than I already was, overstimulated in that unique way that children bring on. I didn’t trust myself to be in charge of an innocent life, nor did I particularly want that responsibility.
Did Luca want kids? Not that it should matter, considering how casual things were between us. But it was feeling a touch less casual after this past weekend. I needed to be firmer with the boundaries. We only had five rules and it hadn’t taken us very long to break the no-sleepovers rule. I should have suffered it out alone even if I didn’t want to. I was always so good at enforcing boundaries, and the very fact that I didn’t want to with Luca put me in dangerous waters.
“Nothing wrong with that,” Allie assured me. “You want to grab froyo before we head back?”
“Fuck yeah.”
We walked arm in arm back to the office with our treats. I tried to focus on this, and not the fact that Luca Marino was making me want more than was safe to want.
Ihadn’t stood on the floor of a club I didn’t work at for who the hell knew how long. Certainly since ladies’ nights at college. Nicky had gotten the hell up in her head and now she, Allie, Meg, me, and Nicky’s coworker, Miranda, were all standing amid the thumping bass at tiny tables with cocktails in hand.
I kissed Nicky hard on the cheek. “Feels like a million years since I’ve seen you.”
“Only three months,” she replied.
“That’s a long-ass time, Nicky.” I thrust my glass in the air. “To the sexiest bunch of ladies in history.”
Even though Nicky laughed, it was easy to see that the happiness didn’t reach very deep. The omega she was dating was going into heat soon and wanted her to be a part of it, but predictably, as she and I both had a habit of doing, she overthought the situation to hell and back and freaked herself out, declining the invitation and leaving the pack house until the heat was over.
I kept it to myself that her boy was probably floating in a hormone soup of devastation at her refusal, because while the information was true and relevant, guilt wouldn’t be helping Nicky at all.
I chatted with Nicky’s friend while Meg occupied Nicky on the dance floor. We ordered appetizers and more drinks, swapping dating stories until it felt like the stick had finally slid out of Nicky’s ass. I loved her, but the girl could clench.
“All right, down to business. Who’s on the prowl tonight? Meg? Miranda?” I wiggled my eyebrows at Nicky.
“I’ll wingwoman,” Allie announced.
“Aren’t you on the prowl, Luna?” Nicky asked.
I wasn’t at all interested in anyone within the confines of these walls. I waved her off and ruthlessly shoved the thought down when Luca popped into my head. “I feel more like assisting tonight. Now, who are we getting laid?”
