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He stared for another minute then sighed, rubbing a hand through his hair. “If she wanted that, she’d do it herself. Besides, you’re talking about yourself as if you have no restraint. Yeah you sleep around, but you also abhor the idea of cheating. You’ve never hidden the arrangement with any of the women, and you make sure everyone knows what they’re getting into before agreeing.”
He shrugged, “A lot of people do that, and I don’t care how many you’ve slept with. What matters is what you intend to happen between you and Bea.”
Now the glare I’d been expecting finally came. “So what are you intending?”
This was leaps and bounds better than I expected, to be honest, and I answered honestly. “I don’t know. I feel differently for her than I have for anyone else, and I have no basis to work from here. I know I don’t want it to be a one-night stand,” I hastily added when he scowled, “but I don’t know what else to do.”
He relaxed again, rubbing a hand over his chin. “You want to be exclusive to her, right?”
I hesitated. To be honest I’d wrestled with that and thousands of other things over the past month with very little progress.
Still, he’d earned honesty, so that’s what I’d give him.
“I think so. I hate the idea of anyone else touching her, and I haven’t really had the urge to sleep with anyone since our talk. It felt…wrong to even consider, but what if that changes?” I looked at him again, lost.
“What if it feels constricting again later, and I want out? It would hurt her.”
He tipped his head, leaning on his elbow now as he hummed. “She could do the same to you.”
I jerked back, surprised by the turn the conversation took. “Huh?”
“She could decide later down the line she doesn’t want to be with you. That would hurt you, right?”
I hadn’t considered that, but…yes. Her leaving because she wanted something else would burn. Straightening, I frowned. “Well, now I have something else to worry about.”
He grabbed my shoulder, forcing me to look at him. “William, what I’m trying to get at here is that you’re equally as vulnerable to being hurt as she is. As for your original question, I don’t think you’ll want to go back once you get a feel for how nice a relationship is.”
I shrugged his hands off and hissed, “But what if I do? This is your sister we’re talking about. You should be more worried than I am about this.”
He didn’t reach for me again, but he did give me a decidedly unimpressed look. “You’re nearly pissing yourself over the thought of hurting her later down the line. Yeah, it might happen, but you could also make her really happy.” A shrug. “That’s a risk anyone takes when they get into a relationship, and even if she gets over you and tries with another guy, that risk will still be there.”
The idea of her finding someone else punched a hole through my chest, and I sucked in a breath. Devin stared knowingly but didn’t say anything, instead letting me have a moment to take everything in.
When I was somewhat recovered from that, he continued. “You wouldn’t hurt her on purpose, and that’s more than others could say. Yes, one or both of you might change your mind later down the line, but isn’t it worth the risk to try?”
The word ‘yes’ was right on the tip of my tongue, all but begging to get out, but I swallowed it down. I needed to think this through and be one hundred percent sure that it was what I wanted.
I couldn’t keep doing this to Bea. She’d already dealt with mixed signals from me this long, I didn’t want to keep it up for one more minute.
Rubbing a hand over my mouth, I watched as Devin tipped his head, an idea lighting up behind his eyes. “How about this? You said you haven’t been interested in any other women since you guys talked before. Can you imagine sleeping with someone that isn't her right now?”
He grimaced at the end, clearly trying not to imagine just that, and I answered quickly, hoping to get off this topic as quickly as humanly possible.
“No, but-.”
He slashed a hand through the air, stopping me in my tracks. “No buts. You can’t imagine it, that’s what matters. Now, can you picture going on dates with her and stuff like that? You know, cliche couple things.”
Couple stuff…
I somewhat knew what he was talking about. Going to dinner or dancing, bringing her flowers, things like that.
When I tried to imagine it, the visuals came with laughable ease. There weren’t any restaurants in town I’d want to bring her to, but there was one two cities over that she’d love. I stopped in once, and the ambience had immediately reminded me of her. I’d told Alice so they could go check it out.
I sucked at dancing and there wasn’t a chance she’d be getting me to in front of a crowd doing more than a slow dance, but maybe in private. Then again, she might not want to dance either since she’d never mentioned it being something she liked, not before the housewarming party at least.
As for the flowers, she didn’t really like cut ones but I could get her some in pots if I wanted. Or I could bring her some of those chocolates from the bakery in town. Her eyes always lit up when Devin got her those.
The thought of her lighting up like that for me made something twist in my stomach, wiggling around until it settled around my heart.
